The Unofficial Musikfest Survival Guide 2014

            Greetings, readers and newcomers!  If you're reading this, it's probably because you're either a regular reader or you're someone planning on attending Musikfest for any length of time (the whole Loki-damn festival runs annually; in 2014, it's from August 1st to August 10th).  Being a slightly experienced Musikfest attendee (Shut up, Spellcheck!), I figured I should give tips on how to survive it.  Just keep in mind that these tips will not help you in the event of zombie outbreak/riot/Dalek invasion/Cybermen invasion/Sontaran invasion/any other alien invasion/a beloved superhero going rogue/dragon attack/vampire attack/werewolf attack/Empire conquest/asteroid Apophis striking the immediate area/the Apocalypse (or Ragnarok if you prefer it that way).

            Also, I suggest you take these suggestions to heart so that you may further enjoy Musikfest without having some locals hate you.

Anyways, shall we begin or shall I continue to chatter the beginning away in silence?  Your optional blog post theme song for today is Deus Ex Human Revolution remix by defibrillator .music!

Beverages

            Yes, there will be booze among the drinks offered at the festival.  Which brings me to the tips under this category:

1.) Do not drink more than you can handle, so long as you're of age.  If you're underage, you should A.) stop reading this (because this is an R-Rated blog; believe me, I can see you, you chain-smoking hipster teen who's still in high school and totally under 18 years old), and B.) consider either water or soft drinks.  Because drinking illegally will only give you not only glares from me but also the likelihood of police involvement.

I should mention that even I take this to heart.  So you should, too; you don't want to wind up like the former regular who was banned from the Underground Lair, do you?

2.) The Musikfest Mugs are available each year, refillable, for use of consuming alcohol (usually), and it will cost you more than a regular-size drink.  And unless you are interested in collecting the different mugs, as the designs on the outside change from year to year, you do not have to buy one each year that you come!  It has been my experience that mugs from previous years are also allowed to be filled with your drink of choice.  Just heed rule #1, please!

            I have purchased one myself and used it for alcoholic beverages; that's how I found out that my limit is 24-oz. of non-tequila mixed drink. (I don't like many of the beers.  I've tried and tried, wound up mismatching the beer to the food, and at this point, I'm on the verge of giving up.)  If I do opt to drink a 24-oz sonic screwdriver or a 24-oz. Drunk Arnold Palmer (take the iced tea-lemonade mixture, spike it with vodka), I (as everyone should) will be careful with it, by eating before-hand, watching my pace, etc.  I do not want to wind up calling someone up and saying, "I'm drinking lots of water," three times in the same conversation again.  (Sorry, sis!)

3.) Keep hydrated!  Specifically not with outside water!  There are bottles of water available, as well as soft drinks and what-not at particular stalls at the festival, and beer/vodka/insert-liquor-of-choice-here does NOT hydrate you.  You'll just wind up passed out way before bedtime on the festival grounds with people staring at you.

4.) I don't think the ghost-kind-of spirits (as well as the living caretakers) of God's Acre and Nisky Hill Cemetery will appreciate the drunken debauchery on their graves.  Please avoid drinking, pissing, crapping, vomiting, polluting, and passing out in these locations, LEST THOU AND THY FAMILY BE CURSED!!!  (I am neither liable nor responsible for any actual applications of curses.  If you do get cursed, the onus falls on you for failing to apply common sense and self-restraint.  And no, I don't know where your car is; stop asking me.)

Transportation

             I shit you not, transportation (whether it's by vehicle or on foot) is always a problem at Musikfest!  And I hope to everything that people attending will be more careful this year!  Especially if you share this blog post....

5.) The rules of the road always apply, even if there is a festival going on!  Seriously, I know you have places to go, alcohol (or other beverages) to drink, sights to see, etc, but it doesn't mean that you can just ignore the NO TURN ON RED signs that are basically at EVERY intersection that's there!  Believe me, I almost got run over because of people not paying attention to road signs andchoosing to be bad drivers!  Just fucking pay attention!  Also, pedestrians, there are crosswalks with crossing signals that have buttons you can push!  I strongly suggest that you use them!  Because *rumor voice* I hear that the city will start implementing jaywalking laws on August 1st; the people from California know what I'm talking about…. >:3

6.) MIND THE TRAFFIC!  The usual complaints from the locals is how bad the traffic is, and I can see how bad it can get!  So follow rule #5, please!  So people (like me) don't get hurt!  Which will bring ambulances around which will make traffic even worse!!!  So just be aware of pedestrians, bikers, flying saucers, Godzilla, other drivers, buses, etc!

7.) There will be tons of parking issues during Musikfest.  Seriously, there are lots that are either pay-to-park (expensive) or off-limits!!!!  Seriously, "Residents Only" actually does mean "OFF LIMITS"!!!!  Unless you like getting your car towed at your expense….

-----There will be special bus routes available for certain locations, and that will allow you to park your car for cheaper than $20 per day.  Which brings me to an actual tip:  Park at the Westgate Mall and then ride the LANTA bus ($2 USD one-way; $4 USD day pass; availability limited to schedules; ask bus driver for details) to and from the festival.

8.) Please, please, please, please, PLEASE do not walk through apartment building parking lots (or the apartment buildings themselves) to get someplace!  I don't care how late it is or how drunk you are, it's still a huge security risk: people can get hurt, residents don't know who is going to try stealing their cars, and you'll wake people up by doing that!  You can achieve the same effect of getting to where you want to go by going around the parking lot and not through it!  Yes, it's tiring, but it's good exercise: not only physically but also in respect for property owners and residents alike!

Other Tips Fest-Goers Should Be Aware Of

These are the tips I did not cover in the above categories…..

9.)  On top of #8, yes!  I get it: You're drunk, you're happy, you're having a good time, but the residents don't need to hear you cheering and shouting like the visiting students from fucking West Virginia University!  (Bethlehem, PA, is Marshall territory, because I said so!)  Just please keep it down so they can sleep!  Everyone needs their sleep; the fest will be there tomorrow....unless it's the last day.

10.)  It should go without saying that federal, state and local laws apply, as do the rules for Musikfest (which are available in the pamphlets, on their website and on signs on festival grounds).

11.) Above all else, HAVE A SHIT TON OF FUN!!!! (as long as you don't piss people off)  Seriously, what's the point of attending the fest if you're not there to have fun?  (Well, yeah, besides being a vendor/merchant/business owner/employee/performer....)

For More Info….

            If you are asking a question about Musikfest that has nothing to do with what I covered above, I suggest you click on THIS link about Musikfest or try asking at one of the information booths.

            I do plan on attending (and tweeting about it), and I hope everyone follows these tips!  If you choose not to, well, then it's your own damn fault for someone turning into the Hulk and smashing people and things all because you decided to press that last hot button they have.

            Anyways, I might see you there, or I might not.  In any case, I hope you play it safe and ENJOY YOUR DRUNKEN/MUSICAL FUN TACQUITO!!!!!

(Apologies to ArtsQuest and the City of Bethlehem, PA, for being ^^^that^^^ kind of nerdy blogger.)

The Strange Incident with the Drunk Regular in the Underground Lair

Best to listen to this song while reading this post:

            I finally got a topic to write about in a chance encounter at the Underground Lair, which is basically what I consider to be a "nerd shop," where they sell nerdy stuff like action figures, vintage toys, vinyl records, geeky magnets, Doctor Who merch (that is IMPORTED ACROSS THE POND FROM THE UK!) and other stuff that's interesting for us nerds.

                                                                                                           

            The encounter took place as follows:

                                                  

            Time: after 5pm EDT on Saturday, October 12, 2013

            Location: The Underground Lair in Bethlehem, PA

            I was on my way home from the library and Harvestfest was taking place, with wine-and-soup trails winding through the main drag of Bethlehem, bars wide open and overflowing with people drinking, some more sober entertainment at various locations, and a ton of vendors selling their wares, and I decided to make a pit stop on the way home to the Underground Lair, who have fantastic shopkeeps and toys I've been feeling nostalgic about.  The inflatable Dalek is there in all its red glory, standing guard next to the register, and we were just chatting until one very drunk individual comes in, looking for his money and his ID.  He was a little mentally lost and, surprisingly, he's a regular at the UGL!  He was obviously drunk (you can smell the alcohol when he unintentionally breathes on you) and he was in and out, in and out, like a drunk needle pulling a thread of alcoholic odor through the fabric of the Underground Lair's shop threshold.

            Not only was he trying to figure out where his ID, money and car is all at, he was weirded out by these dolls that were not very creepy at all, having the drunker version of a Zak Bagans reaction to "creepy dolls".  So I offered to stand in front of them to block their view of him, saying that I'll "stare at him instead".  I wound up standing in front of the dolls whenever he re-enters the shop, as he tries to figure out what happened to his belongings.

            He was also very huggy; I kid you not, he hugged the inflatable guard Dalek twice!  Kris (the female shopkeep who is so awesome she keeps the Facebook page for UGL updated with cool stuff!) was like, "you break it, you buy it, and you don't have your money on you!"  And for some reason, this is a repeat performance of inebriated behavior.  Like, he demonstrated what his mother would yell at him with me in his role.  Kris is like, "Please don't yell at my customers!" and I'm like, "Uhhh, okaaaaay…."  And I think he felt bad after a little light scolding from Kris, so he's like, "I'm sorry," and hugged me!  The good news is his arms and hands stayed north of my equator, so it was really more of a Howard-Raj hug, from The Big Bang Theory.  And, still being nice, I hugged him back.

            He left again, and Kris was wrestling with the dilemma of calling the cops on a drunk regular who is yelling at and hugging both their customers and their guard Dalek, then starts apologizing to me.  I'm like, "It's no big deal.  I dealt with Mom after she had two White Russians, and my sister went through a slightly more intense deal with tequila, where she didn't understand how toilets, pants, gravity, and doors worked."  And she suggested that I leave the next time he comes back.  I suggested leaving before he does, with agreement from her, but he came back before I could act on that idea.  So we had this unspoken exit plan in place: Kris went, "Okay, see you around," and I'm like, "Sure.  See ya, Kris!"  And I added, out of evil impulse and a little vengeance, "Have fun with the creepy dolls!"  I couldn't help tweeting about it while heading home with a "WTF?!" kind of grin on my face, giggling awkwardly.

            I imagine he couldn't stop obsessing about it after I left, staring at them with a drunken paranoia, swearing that he lost his belongings to them.

            Lessons from this encounter:

1.      Don't be so drunk that you lose your money, keys, friends, and transportation.

2.      Have your money, plastic and ID in a WALLET and not a money clip; wallets are harder to lose than cash in a money clip.

3.      If you have to deal with such a drunk, be a little kind and patient; these people can be quite unpredictable, and yelling will result with negative reactions.

4.      If they're slightly uneasy from creepy-looking dolls or clowns or whatever, always mention them when leaving their company so they obsess drunkenly over them instead of hugging inflatable Daleks and complete strangers.

5.      Always blog about these moments!!!

            Apologies to Mom and my sis for mentioning their drunk moments; I simply wanted to share my experience with inebriated people who aren't Puerto Ricans who regularly attend the huge parties that the one particular friend of the family throws every year.  Also to the drunken stranger, who I hope learned his lesson from this experience; I also hope you've sobered up well enough after this with little hangover feelings.

And to laugh it all off, I give you this relevant treat: