A Little Bit of Loneliness, A Little Bit of Disregard

        Hi, y’all!  Sorry I was silent for so long….  I just never really had anything to talk about prior to now (or the time to write about it thanks to my very crazy schedule).  Brief update: I’ve had issues, I’ve had progress, I’ve had fun.  But now’s not the time for the “here’s how my life is” stuff…..  There’s something far more important, and far more personal, to talk about, a topic I’m struggling to write articles about for a project I want to put together to change how people perceive it……

FYI, this post is basically addressing the "Autism martyr" parents of the Interwebs that I frequently run into in the comments sections of certain articles. So if you're not one of these "my child is suffering! We must cure them of their autism!"-shouting parents, please don't take it personally; it's just a message and it was way easier than typing in the third-person perspective. So the "you" doesn't apply to everyone.

This post’s theme songs are all by Linkin Park: Faint, By_myslf, Castle of Glass, Somewhere I Belong, and Nth th End.  (Basically, these are all songs I felt express my frustrations towards the neurotypical people who act like they are supporting us, but are actually supporting causes that make them feel better about us.)

Don't Shut Me Up!

“[I am] A little bit of loneliness 

A little bit of disregard 

Handful of complaints but I can’t help the fact 

That everyone can see these scars 

[I am] What I want you to want 

What I want you to feel 

But it’s like no matter what I do 

I can’t convince you 

To just believe this is real 

[So I] Let go 

Watching you 

Turn your back like you always do 

Face away and pretend that I’m not 

But I’ll be here ‘cause you’re all that I’ve got.”  

--Verse 1 (Mike Shinoda) of “Faint” by Linkin Park

It’s frustrating to be in my position sometimes, when I try to navigate the Interwebs and come across an article about how “Autism is debilitating,” and that “such-and-such groups and corporations are funding research into the causes in the hopes of curing Autism,” and that “parents struggle with their child’s violent outbursts.”  Of course, once I peek into the comments sections of these articles, I see so many commenters repeat themselves in a variety of ways with the same ideas, over and over….. “Vaccines cause autism!  Here’s a link to this site I trust more than the CDC’s web site!” and “Hey, the gluten-free diet helped so much that my child doesn’t have autism anymore!” and even negative comments from idiot trolls calling people on the Autism Spectrum (people like me) the r-word and making claims that because of (the oft-repeated not-at-all true claims of) our “lack of empathy,” we would become killers that shoot up schools.

Source: deviantArt

It’s even worse when I try to say something, because there is always going to be people who not only agree with me, but more often than not, people who say that I’m wrong, that I’m “not an expert” and that I have “no clue what these parents are going through,” and should therefore, “get off the internet and let the parents of ‘severely affected children’ do the talking.”  Yes, I have received those comments before, here, here and even here!  And they piss me off every time!

I know what they’re doing: they don’t want me to speak up and prove these neurotypicals (NTs) wrong, that people on the Spectrum are okay, that we do have difficulties but with the right supports, can have an actual future and function independently, that despite all the talking about how parents “know more than the doctors about what it means to live with autism,” that I’m a member of a the population that has true first-hand experience of living with an Autistic Spectrum Disorder DIFForder (ASD).

I have a few questions, and the most important one is “WHAT THE FUCK?!  Why are you ignoring us?  Why won’t you shut up for a few minutes and give the microphone to the people you need to listen to--US?!?!”  Sure, it’s three questions in one, but at least the point is made….

“[I am] A little bit insecure 

A little unconfident 

But you don’t understand 

I do what I can 

And sometimes I don’t make sense 

[I am] What you never want to say 

But I’ve never had to doubt 

It’s like no matter what I do 

I can’t convince you 

For once just to hear me out 

[So I] Let go 

Watching you 

Turn your back like you always do 

Face away and pretend that I’m not 

But I’ll be here ‘cause you’re all that I’ve got.”

 --Verse 2 (Mike Shinoda) of “Faint” by Linkin Park

Yes, there are all of these groups that want to raise awareness of Autism--but they’re doing it all wrong.  Basically, the same message is there--“Autism is an evil disease that ruins lives and makes our sons and daughters less than human, and therefore, rob us of the life we wanted originally: a normal life just like everybody else, without Autism and its difficulties.”

See how insulting that is?  (Many people out there may be going, “Hey, you’re exaggerating!  We’ve never said that!” But you still did--we don’t always read “between the lines,” but when you talk about us, it’s like, we’re the “angry” gorilla in the room who doesn't care what you say!)  Yeah, we may not look like we’re listening, but we still are, despite not looking at the people talking.  (It’s basic knowledge: we don’t listen with our eyes!!!!  Unless there’s lipreading or sign language involved……)

I want to make a few things clear here: we are human beings, we are neurologically different from you, and this world you NTs have built for yourself is baffling and difficult for us to navigate.

It’s time to shut up and listen to us……  Here’s my side of the situation…..

“How’s the Advocacy Going?” “Well….”

I’m angry as hell. I’m furious, I’m frustrated, I’m enraged…..  So often, NTs want to be heard, and are willing to figuratively “talk” over everyone else, including their own sons and daughters, to have their concerns and fears be received by the community.  They fail to realize that they’re trivializing us in doing so.

Source: deviantArt

Which is why I ask you “martyr” parents of Autistic people, who violate our privacy by posting videos of our meltdowns and complain about how we’re throwing tantrums “all the time”, despite our being in a vulnerable emotional state; who ignore our cries for help or misinterpret them as whining-due-to-our-not-having-things-our-way despite the fact that shrieking, crying, screaming, etc., is the most basic and primal forms of communication that we’ve inherited from the apes (providing that you believe in evolution; if you’re a hardcore Creationist, listen up: GOD MADE US THIS WAY!  Okay?); who force us to act like everyone else despite our need for self-stimulation (stimming) that includes hand-flapping and rocking back and forth, our need for an environment that doesn’t make us experience sensory overload (which is terrifying, in case you’re wondering), our inability to blend in no matter how much you want or even train us to; who don’t want to be ashamed over having an autistic child, thanks to all the stigma that society attaches to being disabled--Who has more experience with Autism: you or us?

This hurts us more than it helps. However, parents, please don’t be dismissive.  I want you to know that you are our partners who help us navigate the world we both share, our protectors, and our guides to that world that confuses us.  We do need you to be there for us, to be supportive of our talents, our interests (despite how narrow they can be), our dreams and desires (despite how invisible they are to you, who can’t seem to see past the external behaviors that allow us to process the world that we experience).

Yes, this is mine....

You might be saying, "You can't speak for everyone! Your to mild and high-functioning!" One--UGGGHHHHH!!!!!! In this case, it's "you're" not "your", and too, not "to". Two--the functioning polarity (which is what I call it) is complete bull and does not represent the true nature of the Autism Spectrum. And three--You might assume that I don't have struggles, but the reality is that I do struggle with certain things, including social cues. I can’t tell you how often that I’ve embarrassed myself for not knowing the subtle messages of “No, thanks,” or “Please leave me alone,” or even “You’re too annoying, go away.”  And these messages do hurt, but it hurts more when these messages are there and I can’t even pick up on them; after all, if it isn’t said, it isn’t being said, riiiiight?  According to the ways I’ve had to learn them, HELL NO!  It’s as if hinting way too subtly was way more acceptable than explaining in a straightforward manner that you don’t want me to contact you so often, or hang around as a friend, or even be nice to you in a way that I thought you’d appreciate.  Nooooo, it’s way more “acceptable” to just cut all ties without letting me know what I was doing wrong, without giving me a chance to learn and change my ways so I can be better at being a friend or coworker or classmate or neighbor!

Also mine....

I do have troubles.  I do have problems, but they’re not all that visible to you--I have depression, anxiety, and even ADD.  And these co-occurring disabilities (Doctors say “co-morbid”, but that’s too negative; I prefer the more neutral term “co-occurring”.) are what I’m struggling with more, rather than my Asperger’s itself--and it all wears me the hell out!  The anxiety is actually causing so much tension that I’m just craving Massage Therapy to undo all the knots I have lurking in my back. (I’m not kidding!  I get knots too!  First time I got a massage from a friend who took classes, he found three knots. Second time, it was four!  So, really, it was frustrating to feel tight in my back after having such great sleep!  I bet I have seven knots lurking about at this point!)

Each of us experience anxiety, and probably depression; some of us have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) due to the amount of bullying we’re subjected to during childhood (and sometimes not even bullying--there’s a lot of other stressful points that we experience as traumatic).  We have co-occuring conditions that have symptoms that either mask the ASD or even are mistaken for ASD.  And people fail to realize that we’re a population as well, and that in every group, there are good people and bad people.  And yet, what we experience gets trivialized by the neurotypicals (NTs; people without autism, in other words) because we “can’t possibly feel _________” or “know what it means to _________”.  Because we’re autistic.  And they’re not.

From quickmeme, because FUCK YES!!!

But how would they know?  How would NTs who trivialize what we see, hear, feel, experience, think, etc., know what it’s like to be us?  We’re not lying!  And yes, we’re not looking you in the eyes either, because it’s too intense or painful or just plain hard for us to maintain that focus where we’re talking and aiming our eyes at yours!  We’d have to sacrifice an amount of RAM to be able to appear normal while conversing with NTs who like to pretend to be intelligent or courteous by wasting time talking about things that we don’t value all that often or get confused by.  (Like, “Are you keeping up with the Kardashians?  Kim and Kanye did this the other day!”  My response would be, “I don’t fucking care what the Cardassians are doing!  They need to broker a peace treaty with the Bajorans already!”)  Ask us about the weather, and we’ll give you the forecast for the day, totally serious.  We don’t handle small talk well, we don’t have the programming for “social niceties” already installed (that costs extra for our model of “human being”), and we have a hard time distinguishing sarcasm from genuine expression, understanding the meaning behind idioms that are so ridiculous that we’d rather be straightforward by saying what we mean, and, finally, just navigating the script for social interaction is so hard for us that through painful trial and error over the years, there are those of us who have crafted a neurotypical “persona” (an act, really) to allow us to “pass” in a society that not only doesn’t understand us, but would fear us and ostracize, alienate and bully us for not “fitting in” and being “normal”.

And what really pisses me off is how many "martyr" parents just prophesy bleak futures for us!

The Dangers and Evils of Stereotypes and Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

In case you've forgotten, yes: we're a minority, and with every minority, there are stereotypes. The rich white (and sometimes orange) assholes (who are fulfilling the stereotype of rich white assholes) are applying stereotypes to everybody who is not part of their population, as part of their compartmentalized sorting system, categorizing each person with a box-shaped image of what springs to mind when this population is mentioned. They'd stereotype black people as "thugs who engage in crime, are dangerous, form gangs, and love watermelon, fried chicken, and hip hop!" and (lately) Muslims are "terrorists who are a danger to our country; they're always plotting something!" They also stereotype us: autistic people, who "can't do anything worthwhile, will never speak, will never use the toilet properly, won't be able to work or take care of themselves...." BLEH!!!!

(Does that sound familiar, anybody?)

From a google search....

Here's the issue here: stereotypes feed into self-fulfilling prophecies. Yes, it's the brain's way of simplifying things; in fact, your brain loves you......BUT.......it can be a real asshole at times. Some peoples brains are assholes more often than others, even; this is what happens with depression and anxiety (overly-simplified, of course, since we're keeping things super simple). But if you engage in self-fulfilling prophecies that are echoes of the "autistic individual" stereotype, then you're already doing damage before you do anything that you think would help them. It leads to giving up on opportunities that we could have taken to wow the world, to surprise the assholes, to......*Bill Nye voice* dare I say it...... CHANGE THE WORLD!!!!!

So, as soon as we hear, "She'll never be able to ___________," our hopes and dreams are tainted with your despair. It affects us greatly: "She'll never be able to get/hold down a job" leads to us believing that we'll never succeed in the job hunt, so why bother? "She'll never live on her own," leads us to being that 40-year old who still lives in their parents basements, trapped in low expectations land. It's a real effect that has major implications...... But we can learn; we are great at pattern recognition, so why not use that to our advantage? We see a pattern, we figure out what it means, and we apply it to life. "Getting a job means I get money which means I get to move out and have more freedoms!"

Basically, we’re a population of scholars, who learn as we go through life.  Our brains are so often on overdrive that it even keeps us awake late at night, running fast with the premium-level problem-solving programs to the point where we have a hard time getting a good night’s sleep.  And though we’re more visible, we’re not as audible to you.  Wasn’t there a line in Gregory Maguire's Wicked when there’s a poetry scene--one line goes “Animals should be seen and not heard.”  We’re not Animals (or animals, for that matter).  We’re not victims--so why are you treating us like that?  We don’t need your pity, just your support, patience and understanding (especially in the grocery stores; don’t block the aisles while looking at

the shelves!  Because I’m behind you, getting impatient!).  We crave routine and scheduled events happening when they happen, because the NT world is too chaotic and loud and bright and smelly and full of people who don’t get the concept of “personal space,” even while walking in the same direction as us.  (This last one perturbs me a lot; there would be people walking in the same direction as me having a conversation but they get too close behind me to the point where I could poke them with a metre-/yardstick, which is unnerving--mostly for survival self-defense reasons, like, “Why are you so close to me?  Do you want to hurt me?!”  This is why I let people pass in front of me, so I don’t get anxious.  Because anxious autistics/Aspies are unhappy autistics/Aspies.)

Source: Daily LOLcat blog

There are things that we do that don’t make sense to you, but it makes sense to us.  We’re not always right, but neither are you.  And we’re excellent at pattern recognition, and can be expressive in ways that aren’t always verbal.  You know, “picture’s worth a thousand words” and all that.  Perhaps there are members of our population who have thoughts and ideas too beautiful to be expressed verbally???

This is why it does not suit our needs and interests to be ignored.  Perhaps if you listened to us in whatever launguage we use (sign language, Morse code, written word, augmented communication, binary, etc), maybe you’ll be more enlightened to what does and doesn’t work, what hurts and what helps; we’re at the center of the meltdowns you so often complain about, so why not try to understand what has us red-lining explosively with all this pent-up stressful energy???  Why not connect with us through our narrow interests?  Why not just get to know us?

We’re more than what meets the visual, aural and tactile senses.

In Summary, With Additional Reading…..

I understand that you’re frustrated, exhausted, scared, confused, lost, and struggling to figure it all out, and I’m sorry you feel this way.  I want to help you and especially help your son(s) and/or daughter(s).  That’s why I’m offering insight, with the perspective of somone “on the inside”.  Yes, I am aware that when you meet one person with autism, you only meet one person with autism; I don’t have all the same problems as your son(s) and/or daughter(s), but I have experienced similar problems and situations, just like everyone else on the Spectrum.  So what worked for me might help your son(s) and/or daughter(s).

So, what do you say?  You ready to shine some light on the situation?  Or would you rather continue to keep us trapped in the darkness created by well-intentioned ignorance?

Additional recommended reading for more information:

• Jim Sinclair's "Don't Mourn For Us"
• [Growing Up Aspie] on Facebook
• A reply to an exhausted Autism Mom
• A curt reply to an anti-vaxxer
• An important article on tumblr...... (trigger warning: ableism and child abuse; also, NSFW language)
• The book NeuroTribes, by Steve Silberman--highly recommended!!!

         So, there you go.....  Some food for thought.  If you still disagree, then I'm sorry if I have not made myself more clear, or conveyed my message well enough.

Anyways, don't forget to VACCINATE!  Aaaand enjoy your tacquito!  (If you need me, I'm hiding in my bunker from all the drunk, insane tourists who are in the area for Musikfest.....)

Source: imgur

A Weird Conversation Between Myself and My Depression/Anxiety (An Update)

       Hi, y'all!  Sorry for failing to post for so long....  I've been nuts as of lately.  How?  Like this:

Me: *Looks around*  "Dammit!  I've fucked up and now it's time to fix everything.  No more extremely slow downward spiral for me!" *cracks knuckles*

My Depression/Anxiety: *Perks eyebrow*  "Really?  Are you sure you want to do that?"

Me: "Yes, motherfuckers!  My brain isn't some place where you can camp out and run self-destructive programming for free!  I'm tired of sleeping all day, not taking my pills--which can make me sick--and not being productive!  I have stuff I need to do!"

D/A: "Uh, no, you don't!  You have other stuff that's more fun!  Besides, chores and responsibility are boring and lame; you'll be boring and lame if you do them, and they're not fun in an ironic sense!"

Me: "LIESSSS!!!  I have dishes to do, a living room to clean up, a bathroom to scrub clean....  I have to start now!"

D/A: "No, your inner Lazy Dalek says that you can do it later, following it up with repeated chanting of 'PROCRASTINATE!  PROCRASTINATE!'  Plus, isn't it lonely?  You don't have many fr--"

Me: "SILENCE!  I shall be productive today!  Not later--TODAY!!!"

D/A: "Crap!  Uh, uh....!  Hey, Attention Deficit Disorder!  A little help here?"

ADD: "Hey, look!  SHINY!  *points*"

Me:  "OOOOHHH!  SHINY!  *scamper-chases*"

D/A:  "TROLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!"

That's a sort-of typical conversation that led to me to a lot of unmedicated days of sleeping, nights staying up until 6 am EDT, and not even following through on plans that can help me be Pro-Eden.

Pro-WAAAAAAAT?

      Yeps.  Pro-Eden, meaning helping me make positive changes towards my life.  How come?  Go listen to the Pro You Podcast on the Nerdist Podcast Network!  Episode I, Inertia--the Real Phantom Menace, should explain everything, and help you start on your way towards better awareness, and, ultimately, a better lifestyle.

      It's because of this podcast that I've decided to get going  with my climb up Mt. Molehill; I've even gone so far as to not refer to workouts as "workouts," but as "Pro You Moments".  I've been tweeting with their Twitter account, and been giving updates with my progress.  Here's a couple of the latest ones that I sent them recently (before this blog post):

I just took initiative to have another #ProYouMoment: checked out Planet Fitness for a possible gym membership! #EVALUATE @proyoupodcast
— Lady Eden Pyrithea (@LadyEden1337) April 28, 2015

Just to report in: had another #ProYouMoment! Just signed up for membership at Planet Fitness. Meeting with someone tomorrow! @proyoupodcast
— Lady Eden Pyrithea (@LadyEden1337) April 29, 2015

Seriously, this podcast is awesome, especially after all the talking is done, when Tom (one of the hosts) gives you a chillaxing Pro You Moment, where you can meditate with food for thought.

Beyond that, some other stuff happened, which I will update in another blog post, one that I'll publish once I've stopped yanking my hair out over Artist's Block, aaand, for the most part, being like this:

In any case, be consistent (especially with medications), be aware, and ENJOY YOUR TACQUITO!!!!

MEGA-STRESS ATTACK: An Update on What I'm Doing PLUS Some Science AWESOMENESS!

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Rant-Rant-Ranty-Rant: When Your Teeth Get Stupid

            Yeah.  I know, it's a rant about something as small as "wisdom teeth."  But I have a few thoughts I'd like to share about the topic.  Seriously, I do!  Some of it is me voicing concern over being given general anesthesia, some of it is about how I have to fast before the surgery, but I hope that I'll give it a humorous spin.  Be warned: there is media in this post, so it's best that it gets loaded up on a laptop or desktop computer with a cable/wire/whatever connection.  It's also best not to be eating when reading this post….

            As for the optional theme song, it's "Hard Trance Techno Rave Music" by trancElovE.

            I've never expected this to happen to me; I just hoped that I didn't have to deal with this issue.  Unfortunately, my biology just laughed in my face with my own mouth.  In fact, it only started one or two days before I found out: my right lower wisdom tooth (which is number 32, in case you're a dental professional) was hurting so bad that I couldn't even sleep.  When I got up and talked to my parents that morning, I was terrified: what if they had to yank it out right there at the dentist's office?!?!?!  I was not mentally prepared for any of it!  Although I admit it's not my first rodeo—it's my second and I'm still not any better at it: my two front teeth had to be removed in two halves, the second being oral surgery with Novacain.  I hated it, since it involved the use of a scalpel inside my mouth!  (Sorry for the visualization, there.)  That and with Mama Squirrel's recommendation, I insisted on general anesthesia.  And with every choice, there are consequences: a whole new hellish hand basket of dread was delivered straight to me because I've never been anesthetized that way before.  But let me shed some light on the teeth themselves.

Unintelligent Design: Why Not Call Them Stupid Teeth???

            There's a lot of debate over how we got to be this way: Creationism vs. Evolution, Intelligent Design vs. Natural Selection, etc.  Of course, there is a shit ton of scientific evidence that tells us we evolved from monkeys, who might not be so thrilled about the connection:

Evolution is a FLAWED THEORY. There is NO WAY humans are genetically linked to monkeys. That idea is OFFENSIVE. -monkeys
— Joss Whedon (@josswhedon) September 17, 2014

And yet, we aren't perfectly evolved (Disproving Intelligent Design: why design us with these medical flaws, for fuck's sake?!), which brings me to this brilliant counterpoint from Dr. Neil Degrasse Tyson: Unintelligent Design.  There are so many things wrong with us, and some of them were outlined by Dr. Tyson in the 277thepisode of the Nerdist Podcast.

            First off, what's going on between our legs?!  We've got an entertainment complex in between two sewage systems.  It's unsanitary and we have to use our hands to keep ourselves clean in that area, which is also inefficient.  That and there's a ton of foliage in that area!  It's gross and stuff, seriously.

            Secondly, we eat, drink and breathe through the same hole in our human faces!  This ensures that a percentage of us humans choke to death on what we consume.  Not with dolphins: they eat and breathe through two different holes in their body, which means that they'll win in a sardine-eating contest!  But even then, if we don't find an early exit from life, we live 80 years on average; in spite of this, we die from starvation in 8 weeks, we die of dehydration in 3-8 days, and we die from asphyxiation (suffocation) in 8 minutes.  We're fragile human beings who fall prey to many illnesses that are the result of this chemical and biological balance being off inside our bodies.  Too many cells in one spot causing a riot is cancer; not enough endorphins being produced in our brains leads to depression; too much stomach acid leads to acid reflux disease.  If we're so "perfectly designed," then why do we have this happen to us?

            Then we have our "useless" body parts: the appendix is not really needed in these days, and yet, we all have them, thanks to our ancestors hunting for whatever food they can get.  There was no cooking in those days, no discerning bones from muscles and feathers and fur and scales and whatnot, so they would eat the entire animal, including the parts that give us no nutritional benefit.  That's where the appendix would come in: it creates a sort of acid that helps the remaining solids (bones, beak, feathers, fur, etc.) dissolve so it doesn't hurt them when it comes out the other end.  (All together now: EWWWWW!!!!)  But now it's quite useless, as the appendix, being completely BORED, will sometimes malfunction and burst—appendicitis, which can only be resolved with surgical removal.  The gallbladder stores whatever the liver produces, even though the liver can perform the same functions as the gallbladder.  Tonsils would have to come out when we get tonsillitis, but nothing is as much of a pain as wisdom teeth.

            Why have wisdom teeth?  They're the farthest back on our lower jaw, and we don't even get them to come through until we hit our later years, well after we lose all our baby teeth.  But they aren't perfect in their emergence: 90% of all people have at least on wisdom tooth come in impacted, or at an angle, pushing against the molars next to them, causing pain and infection, perhaps even damage to the adjacent teeth.  There could even be a cyst that forms, which is even worse.  Yes, it's common as fuck, but here's another issue: why not just remove them at an earlier age?  These teeth are easier to remove when the patient is younger, since their roots are not completely formed, and the surrounding bone is softer than in your early 20s; not only that, there is less of a chance of damaging nerves and other structures nearby.  (Source: pamphlet I got from my consultation appointment.)  Thanks, AAOMS, for taking the wait-and-see approach.

            One more point to make: why call them "wisdom teeth" when they come in incorrectly?  When I first went in to my dentist's office, I made the joke of my wisdom teeth being "unwise".  This body part, in my opinion, is completely stupid.  They have no current purpose except to be a pain in the ass, causing problems for 90% of all people, which can only be put an end to by way of oral fucking SURGERY!  That's why I want them to be renamed as "stupid teeth," because there is no point to them in today's world.  Not to mention how many drugs are involved with treatment.

Anesthesia: The "Fun Part"

            I've never done illegal drugs, I'm prescribed medication for depression/anxiety and my ADD (squirreliness), and I don't like not knowing what my brain is doing, and even just being unconscious with people doing surgical procedures on me makes me anxious.  I'm just not prepared for that idea.

            That and me going like this after waking up:

I'm terrified of having a panic attack and freaking out like that.  Seriously, the loopiness, albeit fun for my parents, is frightening to me as I don't know how much control I have; my pre-frontal cortex could be affected in ways I do not know if I like it or not.  What also sucks is that I have to go into Gremlin Mode the very night before; I'll wind up hungry and cranky and panicked and anxious and stuff—I'll be a total mess, trying to find my copy of Let's Pretend This Never Happened and re-reading the chapter titled "Draw Me A Fucking Dog."  It'll be a total trip, for sure.

            That and I better have a milkshake waiting for me after I'm awake and mobile!  (I'm going to look for milkshake and smoothie recipes after this and the next time I'm online.  Suggestions are appreciated!   Just tweet them to me with the hashtag #SmoothieSquirrel!)

            At this point, I think it's best to look at it as a nap I so desperately need, followed by a liquid diet I hope to extend into a week-and-a-half.  Again, not my first rodeo: I was on a liquid diet before, and I lost a lot of mass that way.  Not that liquid diets are the ideal solution for "weight" loss.  I'll update you as best as I can, and I appreciate you reading this blog, but it could be a while before I post anything again.  My next post might wind up being the week after, but who knows?  #RECUPERATE

            In any case, ENJOY YOUR BURRITO MILKSHAKE!

What the Fuck Happened?! A Long Overdue Update

            OOOOOOF!!!!  It's been such a looong time since I last did a blog post!  The last post was probably done in April, before I traveled over to California Dalek's sector (I'm hoping for your sake, Cali, that it doesn't get split up into six separate states.) and forgot to continue doing blog posts and my XP log!  D:  Not to mention that afterwards, I kind of let my library fines get CRAZY and that prevented me from doing blog posts.  Also, I borrowed wifi for a bit--until it went away.  So now it's back to using the library's CRAPPY computers again.  Oh yeah, (optional) theme music!  It's going to be AC DC - Back In Black (Jim Heinz Remix) by theMHRproject2.

            Anyways, here's what happened to me during that period of time; however, it's going to be a bunch of bullet points that I hope aren't super lengthy, so strap in…..

          Π Trip to California—I was able to travel to California for a week and a half, visit family, check out Disney's California Adventure (after Disney refreshed it to help bump up the various problems with the park that helped drive away crowds), have EXCELLENT food at restaurants I will share the review of soon, complain about hotel accommodations, wander around the San Francisco airport, go through Newark Airport after midnight when all the businesses are CLOSED, get my hair trimmed by my aunt, and just enjoy my vacation burrito.  Oh, and I did go to Meltdown Comics (+10 Life List XP!) and be all touristy there after having a bizarre Garmin-led adventure through these towns outside of LA, take a look at the various populations and even see a mission while we (Dad and myself) drove by.  I consider it to be quite a success.  (No, Chris didn't autograph my copy of the Nerdist Way yet because he wasn't there.  Which actually helped because I was kind of super nervous—I wasn't sure if I wanted to really meet Chris and other people from Nerdist Industries, being all anxious with my small-town fansquirrel feels.  But I did enjoy going there!)  Next time, I shall be successful, with autographs and @midnight tapings that I probably could've not missed had my father not been as discouraging as he was before the trip!  Yes, Dad, I will make sure to get the tickets this time; just try talking to Mom first, okay?

   

Π     Pennsylvania Autism Training Conference—June 11th and 12th, I was able to attend a conference at the Eden Resort in Lancaster, PA!  And I did it (mostly) by myself as an exhibitor in the expo part of the conference!  I was doing quite a bit of art prior to the show in an effort to be all prepared and to sell some pieces.  Which I was able to do, fortunately: I sold three framed paintings!  That's $90 USD total!  Not a great profit margin but I'm happy about that success!  I was able to meet other people who are also on the Autism spectrum and have a good time!  And it was all PAID FOR!  I didn't have to spend a single cent on anything unless I wanted to!  Not to mention that it's a fancy hotel with suites, one of which I stayed in by myself!  Yeah, I got a whole suite to myself and it was super fancy!  There was even a phone in the bathroom!  (There's a difference between fancy and swanky: fancy is like, a super expensive hotel where you could have a wedding.  Swanky is top hats, monocles, fainting couches that are actually chaise lounges in the ladies' restroom.  And while we're on the topic, "formal gala" is basically what you would see at a Presidential or Royal ball: ballgowns, suits, servants in butler uniforms (read: "suits with tails"), orchestra, etc.)  Mom and Dad were not only proud of me, but so surprised that they said they could've stayed over with me.  I'm like, "But your schedules say no!"  Anyways, I'm glad I was able to pursue going to this event.  Thank you to my Supports Coordinator, everyone who organized the conference, the Eden Resort staff, Mom and Dad (for being SO supportive and understanding) and my Community Inclusion peeps!  As well as the people who purchased my art!  That is one fancy/gourmet tacquito I totally enjoyed!

     Π    Personal Stuff—I have been doing a lot lately within my life, and much of it was for the better: I got the Adult Autism Waiver (hence the conference, Supports Coordinator, Community Inclusion, etc.), I got to clean up my apartment, keep it clean, be very responsible, and it really cheered up my parents!  My psychiatrist was happy about all the progress we reported to him, as is my therapist!  In fact, so many good things took place that I started making a "Good Things List" that really helps keep the mood positive and helps counter the lies that depression tells us are true.  Here's a sample:

ü  I'M ALIVE!

ü  I'M  OKAY!

ü  I'm making a ton of progress!

ü  I was able to stay at a hotel in a suite by myself--and it was paid for!

ü  I sold three paintings with a small profit!

ü  Mom is happier!

ü  Parents are more supportive of my artistic and creative pursuits!

ü  I'm being productive!

ü  I'm getting the supports I need!

ü  I'm not really alone.

ü  I enjoyed some nerd humor.

ü  I started having a following under not only the name I blog with but also my secret identity!  (Major yays!)

ü  I'm a little more organized.

ü  There is less yelling and arguing between me and my parents.

ü  There is generally a good mood in the air!

ü  My meds work for my depression AND the anxiety I sometimes feel.

ü  Parents are more understanding!  :D

ü  Assessments (for Autism Waiver) showed how many things improved!

ü  I have not argued with parents in at least one month!

ü  Problem solving skill levels are up!

ü  I'm more attentive.

ü  I can relax over mistakes I make.  (Like missing a therapy appointment is NOT the end of the world for me at this point!)

            If you're dealing with depression, why not do what I did?  It really helps to have something to go back to, like a list of happy truths that can tell depression to fuck off!

            Of course, this is only part of the story: just recently, I discovered that at least one of my wisdom teeth has to be removed.  The dentist couldn't do it at the office I usually go to (1.5 to 2 hour bus ride away; 1/2 hour by car) couldn't do it so I have to go see a specialist.  I was super upset and anxious about it, fearful even, mostly due to the fact that I will not be conscious during the procedure (Do I even want to be?!?!?!).  And I'm fearful of how I will be loopy immediately after the procedure; however, my allies in the Twitterverse definitely cheered me up!

@LadyEden1337 a human I knew had all 4 removed in one sitting as well as a 5th tooth. 3 arms. 2 tires. And an eye. He said it was easy.
— The Magician (@IAmTheMagician) July 10, 2014

@EducatorDalek @LadyEden1337 I USE MINE TO BALANCE MY CASING WHEN CHASING INFERIORS.
— GayAgendaDalek (@NotGayDalek) July 11, 2014

@NotGayDalek @EducatorDalek @LadyEden1337 Better than chafing interiors, I suppose
— Anarchist Dalek (@AnarchistDalek) July 11, 2014

            I love you guys/gals/Daleks/other sentient races!  You totally made me laugh when I needed it and you let me know that it's super common for people to undergo wisdom teeth removal.  (Lucky Mom!  She doesn't have wisdom teeth so she doesn't have to go through it!)  And according to my parents, the car ride home will be super fun due to the loopy phase I will be going through; so with all of that info being fed to me through my ear holes, I think I should just drunkenly smile and ride that dragon all the way home.

            Question is, will the dragon be real, colored purple, fluent in cat, and smell like root beer?

            Anyways, I must prepare for the possibility that my base will be overrun with drunks due to the 10-day presence of Musikfest.  Yes, overrun with drunks.  It's a shame that I can't have weapons here at my residence, because if the drunks turn into real zombies, I'm fucked.  But I might be one of those drunks anyways because I plan on going.  Just look for the drunk Padawan that's actually more sober than the rest of the people attending the festivities while strategically avoiding the polka tent except for possibly passing through to take one of the paths traveled a little less because foot traffic.

            Anyways, I believe this update is sufficient enough to say, "I'm sorry for disappearing because stuff and I will be back to blogging; here's an update to share the stuff."  Now, to plot out my Birthday/Christmas Wishlist of Awesomes (that's already a few yards long because of ThinkGeek's Wishlist feature)…..  And I promise to try and post some blogs I drafted out already.  But that's for another time.

Enjoy your California/Amish drunk/high tacquito!