Monday, October 28, 2013

Samhain Rituals on Saturdays

Theme music for this entry:

            Okay, let's get THIS blog post started, despite being drafted but not published in chronological order; that's right, I'm drafting my blog posts as they come up, but publishing them out of order.  Yes, I'M SCREWING UP THIS BLOG'S TIMELINE!  DON'T TELL THE DOCTOR!  He'll kick my ass for sure!

            Anyways, first, allow me address a few things that my mother will inevitably yell at me for.  Number one, yes, I was baptized Catholic.  I know that the first of the Ten Commandments is "I am the Lord, your God; thou shalt not have any other Gods besides me."  And breaking this rule is a huge black mark on my soul--ACCORDING to the most orthodox of Christians.  Yet, if you have ever watched Lady Snake's portal-opening ritual at the Ancient Ram Inn, or the voodoo ritual that took place at the Magnolia Lane plantation done by Bloody Mary, the Voodoo Queen of Louisiana, or even attended a ritual in person, you can tell that there's something in the air, that something otherworldly happens, that there is something ELSE out there, besides the orthodox structure of God-the-good, Satan-the-evil, heaven-vs-hell belief of the universe.
  Some sort of Force is out there that we humans can tap into with certain rituals, whether it's pagan, voodoo, or even Native American, and as long as we use it for good, it will treat us the same; plus, it's a two-way street, for, if we use this Force for evil intent, it will bite you in the ass in the long run, making you curse that time you tried to get this Force to fuck over your ex, that bully at school, your boss for being a boss-hole, etc.

            Secondly, paganism isn't evil; that paradigm was created out of a conversion campaign by the Catholic Church a long time ago as it swept through the British Isles, which is where I believe the origins of the Wiccan faith lie (*NERD FACE*).  And paganism is like ice cream from Baskin Robbins or Ben & Jerry's: there are many different flavors, but after reading about it in Anti-Craft (one of the most badass craft books you could find), it turns out that paganism is a category of religion that has non-Abrahamic origins, as Judaism, Christianity and Islam have; of course, that means Hinduism and Shintoism are also pagan, but such classification is purely subjective.  I think that Wiccans and Witches are not inherently evil solely for believing in something other than the Abrahamic God, but rather in a whole plethora  of gods and goddesses whose origins were created out of man's fear of the natural forces of nature, in a world where science has not yet explained why there are thunderstorms, what happens when a child is conceived, and why people die, also etc.  And Mom might be worried about what I might get myself into (as all moms would), but I hope she pays attention to this next part.

            I have a couple of personal rules when it comes to rituals of the pagan variety:

  1. Never dabble in Satanism and Santeria--the former because, duh, it worships Satan, and the latter because of live animal sacrifices, which I completely ABHOR.
  2. Never partake in rituals that involve the sacrifice of human lives; if I start attending rituals like those, and I find out that this is happening, I'm calling the cops on these motherfuckers, with no questions asked except, "Are you going to kill them?"

Other than that, I am open to the idea of honoring ancestors and loved ones (who recently passed away) during Samhain (pronounced Sao-in), celebrating the arrival of springtime with Ostara, or whatever else is positive.  It's an excellent exposure of not only culture, but it also means you get to be social with the other pagans, while fighting back against the constraints placed upon you by the Church, the same Church that says that contraception is wrong and homosexuality is evil.

            That's one of the reasons why I attended: to force myself to be social, to interact with people, to stop being such a goddamn hermit.  If I interact with others, I'll have a better chance of finding friends.  The other reasons include, duh, the actual ritual itself, me being able to honor my Uncle Mark, the exposure to cultures and beliefs that are alien to my own, the potluck that took place afterwards (W00T FOR FREE FOODS!), and to irk my older sister and my mother a little bit.  (Sorry!  I didn't want to live under a rock anymore!  Can someone please inform Az-Grell and Tomo-Undertaker of FallnAngel's Creations that I did this?)

            I really was super nervous before hand, which is why I was tweeting like mad to my pagan tweeps online before-hand.  I didn't know what to expect, I didn't know what to do, I felt I needed some guidance.  I couldn't find out beforehand with my 15 minutes of interwebz at the library, trying to sift through About.com's spider web of links to other article stubs, so I tried Twitter.  Naturally, since Paganism is such a big theology category umbrella that has a lot of leniency, I didn't get a straight answer of "You can expect this, this, this, this, and this to happen, and you have to say blahblahblah while doing such and such."

             I was preparing lightning fast for the event, taking a shower, cooking, eating a little tiny bit before packing up and heading out; I made tuna noodle casserole, and I don't know how many taboos I violated with that dish, but I bled for it when one of the tuna cans stabbed me!  (Eh, it was a drop or two of blood, and it was an inappropriately cut lid piece that was still stuck on the can, which technically means that the tuna can DID stab me.)  I walked over while hoping to whatever Force is out there that I don't freeze to death and that I also wind up not tripping, breaking my only 2-quart baking dish with its badass plastic lid and losing my dish!  That segment of the quest was completed while I froze my fat ass off.  (Don't worry, I also brought along my wire cooling rack, a serving spoon and a couple of pot holders all in a green reusable shopping bag; the more stuff I lose, the better the night gets! *sarcasm*)

            I did make it in time and *squirrels* someone brought along their greyhound, which is a little comforting; such a cute shy greyhound!  But what really helped chill me out is when one of the practitioners smoked me with his "sage stick."  That REALLY mellowed me out!  I kid you not, the smell just helped me get over my jitters, and I felt…. lighter, and freer and less full of dread.  Also, many of the people participating in the circle had on their cloaks, so I had to make do with my hoodie!  But a lot of the other people had on cool outfits, a couple of the men there had on Victorian-style clothing, complete with top hats and one of them had a classy walking stick, and there were decorations with a mini-pumpkin and skulls…  Completely cool.  No full-faced masks were allowed, and green witch masks were forbidden as well, probably because those masks came from the ideas that give real witches a bad reputation of being sickly "evil."  Also, it was very laid-back, so I didn't have to fit myself into Renaissance-esque garb, complete with bodice!  But it was also very very cold, so I had my scarf and my glove-mittens, and I got into my cuddle-warm clothing after I got back, then sipped black-plastic-skull-mug hot chocolate!  SQUEE!...  (Oh, shit, I'm rambling again.)

            There was music and drumming, there was singing (vocalizing, I think; if only the Vocaloids were there, then they can help!), and there were awesome looking BELLYDANCERS!  Seriously, I loved their outfits, and it just made me wish I were sexy-skinny again without rusty belly-dancing skills just so I could join!  There was another point when there was a chanted rhyme to be done, going along the lines of, "Blood by blood/Bone by bone/We summon you (or Come to us)/Speak to your own," and it would first start off quietly, rise in volume, then decrease in volume until we were quiet again.  (Jeez, now the post is starting to sound like a kid's "What I Did for Samhain" school report.)  But I can see how this ritual is comforting, as it's to remember and honor our ancestors and loved ones.  When we were picturing our loved ones, I was thinking of not only my uncle, but also my dog who passed away (from vet-sanctioned MURDER) not long after; it really made me tear up during the ceremony, because I missed them so much, because their love and support helped my family and me…

            Another point in the ceremony was that people in the circle that surrounded the Ancestors Altar share who they were honoring that night; after a bit of delay, I barely got mine in, which wasn't easy--I was so nervous, like I was back in high school, never wanting to go up in front of the class and speak to my judgmental peers.  But this past Saturday night (October 26), I went up and shared anyways, because if I don't do it at all, I'll never be able to do it again, cowering in the fear I've felt before.  That was one wall I've kicked down.  Yeah, it was a wall; you see, people who have Asperger's (like myself) have these walls where there's something they have to do (like call a dentist or doctor for an appointment) and they can't get past that initial feeling of "I can't do it," and it happens with chores, tasks they have to do, moments where they can start socializing with others, or they lack the motivation to do whatever it is that they feel they can't do.  I don't know how else to explain it; Mom and Dad do a better job of explaining, so hopefully they can e-mail me their explanation of it that I can add on later in an edit…

            But I went up to that altar, and I (hopefully) clearly stated, "I'm honoring my Uncle Mark, who died in 2006.  He loved myself, my mother and my sister unconditionally."  Albeit, I almost said, "I uncle--" at the beginning, and I believe I slurred a little at the end (which is something I struggled with from living with a hearing impairment all my life, since I was a baby), but I did it and now it's done, and I was able to breathe a sigh of relief!  It was like climbing the Grand Teton or Mt. Kilimanjaro, or even just bungee jumping, but once it's over, IT'S OVER!  Advice for all individuals who have Asperger's: just grit your teeth, roll up your sleeves (both not literally) and do it!  You'll feel better and happier once it's done!

            Afterwards, there was a potluck--YAY!  People got to eat my tuna noodle casserole!  Some enjoyed it, one woman was a gluten-phobe and she was like, "AHHH!  GIT IT OFF MAH PLATE, YO!"  (That may have been dramatized…)  But, there were cookies and cupcakes and sodas (most of them diet; YUCK!), and what Samhain ritual potluck is complete without a red velvet cake that's in the shape of a SKULL?!  I had a piece of it, and it was delish, and still amazing; though I pity the cake skull dude because he lost his brains before he lost his skully face!  ZOMBIES, I TELL YOU!  Popcorn balls, sugar cookies--I swear, I was the only person who served an actual dinner, which I did because I haven't had dinner yet, and I figured, "Why not share?"  I think, though, that next time, I'll do two pans: one that is gluten-free and one that is regular, without labeling them and let the people sort out which one is which, then laugh when they get it wrong--MWAHAHAHA! Problem?  (*troll face*)

            And during the little repast thingy, I chatted up a cooking nerd!  He really was a cooking nerd!  One of the best kinds!  He knew the tuna mould recipe Mom and I would do, he had the cake pan for the skull, he knew tuna noodle casserole, and knew how to make certain recipes healthier!  Maybe I'll share a recipe I managed to learn from my mentor & her husband when they had me over for dinner one night; I wonder if he knows about the Marshall mashed potatoes recipe, which provides a product that is tasty AND healthy!  So, wall-smashing-like-the-Hulk?  DONE!  Fast cooking quest?  DONE!  Socialization and exposure?  DONE!  Is Mom pleased with the personal issues I've resolved on my own yet?

            Now, as the actual date for Samhain (October 31, aka MAH BIRTHDAY!) draws closer, it is said that the veil between life and death thins and we will be able to receive a sign from our loved ones who have passed on.  So, I have to be open for a signal from Uncle Mark that says, "I got your message, and I love you and miss you too."  Maybe it'd be everything working well for me, and I don't wind up on the couch with a shitty day and in need of loves and cuddles.  Or perhaps I already received that sign months ago when I had a dream with him in it, one where I got to hug him and tell him that I love him and "will" miss him so much.  I am happy with that dream, but would it kill him to give me a birthday gift of that message, that reply of "I love you"?  (Crap, poor choice of wording; he's already dead.  Sorry, Mom and Uncle Mark!  If only my friend Jesse could be here to give me that Gibb-smack…)


            But all in all, not only was I able to be exposed to things I've been sheltered from, I also got ideas for a new clothing collection!  But the ideas have to remain top secret for now, so that nobody can steal my ideas from me.  Yes, I'm that paranoid; so what?  Anyways, in the spirit of celebrating the pagan new year, merry part, blessed be and blessed Samhain!

            And, fuck it, HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!



Tuesday, October 22, 2013

A Review of @Midnight, the New Nerdist-Funny or Die Show

            WOW!  Chris Hardwick is still alive!  And he still looks great on television, despite the weird Indiana Jones lighting on Talking Dead giving him a sepia-esque tan (that somehow doesn't seem to come across on the computer--I blame my tv)!  I wish I could look that great; that sounds like another subgoal to work on: look as great as Chris Hardwick despite being a fat, pale, hermity squirrel-brained woman at the moment!

            But I'd never guess he'd be a pop-culture social-media "game" show host on Comedy Central--didn't those guys fuck over Futurama by ending it…for the fourth time?  I'm pretty sure they did…  Oh well.  At least he's hanging out with friends that aren't Matt Mira and Jonah Ray. (Sorry guys, but I think he felt that you're tying him down. *plungerpets*  He must've gone, "THERE'S ENOUGH OF ME TO GO AROUND!" to you two before riding a stripper pole out the doors of the Nerdist podcast studio, and then Meltdown Comics, and then flew on it to Comedy Central's board room meeting--with the rest being recent history.)

             Anywayyyyssss, I've yet to start on reviewing the actual episode I witnessed being aired on that Colb-hairbrained network the very night it premiered!  Let's start with the scoring system: was there a set scoring system, or was it a rerun of one of those Oprah's Favorite Things episodes of her Oprah show that people may or may not have forgotten about after it was canceled years ago?  It's like, "You get points and you get points and YOU get points, and everyone in the audience gets points for just laughing instead of saying something funny!"  Really!  Kumail Nanjiani, Doug Benson and Natasha Leggero, who were contestants on the show, all managed to get at least 1,000 points before one of them was eliminated for the head-to-head "For The Win" showdown.  I did laugh, but only because it was decently funny.  And I'm sure you saw my tweets to Chris Hardwick in regards to his promos and during the show…

            It should be noted that I only tweeted twice during the show…


            Anyways, it was hilarious; just not as hilarious as Jenny Lawson's blog and book, both ofwhich left me dying from laughter and in need of self-defibrilation!  (THAT set the standard for awesomely funny!)  And I was more intrigued by that one moment on Dancing With The Stars, where the "officials" (read: producers) decided not to eliminate anyone this week, despite Bill "Aholé" Engvall dancing like my dad all the way down the favorability charts.  Turns out there was a glitch in the voting system last week, so the "officals" (producers) decided to be fair and not eliminate anybody (aka, "Let's try again!").  I thank them for giving Bill a second chance to stop dancing like my father, who is really white and really nerdy (I so believe he's a real life Mr. Spock, despite not looking like Leonard Nemoy.); they both need to loosen up with an awkward spa day together!  By the way, that's why I consider Weird Al Yankovic's  hit song, "White and Nerdy" to be my dad's theme song!  (I shall share that song with you for your enjoyment…)


            All in all, @Midnight needs several improvements:

            1.) Scoring system needs more definitive structure, beyond "saying something funny will get you points, with Chris Hardwick deciding if it's funny or not!"
            2.) Comedians need to workshop a little more; they are funny, but my laughter died in 15 seconds.  That's at least 100 funerals I had to plan for--rest in peace, multiple peals of laughter!
            3.) If you want @Midnight to be a hit show, fuck over ABC and CMT by grabbing and dragging Bill on (by his chest hair, preferably), with Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy in tow, and wait for me to cry, "UNCLE! HARDWICK, YOU WIN!  I FUCKING LOVE THIS SHOW!" while my fat ass falls off from laughing so fucking hard.

            I have to say, the lines were definitely funny, especially the FTW round.  (Damn typo keyboard sex fairies--I'm not even on Second Life and they almost had me put "reound"!  Thank Davros for my spelling ninja skillz!)  I think it depends on the person, in my opinion; it's less to do with the extra nerdy discussion stuff and more to do with comedy (which is why Comedy Central exists, by the way).  If you love people being silly, watch it.  If you want something a little more profound, go check out the Nerdist podcast.  It's still Chris Hardwick in either direction, and you'll benefit from your decision.

            Yes, all roads lead to Chris Hardwick; that is the law of our existence, besides "allow Kale and Daleks to be your overlords while worshipping Davros as your Creator."

            #boobs #excelsior #butts

           P.S. Sorry, Dad.  I can't think of any other way to describe Bill's dancing....  HE DANCES LIKE YOU!

           P.P.S. I've been listening to almost all the Nerdist podcast episodes in order, starting with Episode 1--A New Podcast Series.  Hopefully I'll get caught up before I miss anything.  Thank you, Chris Hardwick!  (I know--why not just address him as Chris?  So I don't confuse him with Chris "CMNeir" Neir.  Here, you try telling the two apart!)
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Saturday, October 19, 2013

A Film Review and an Update--Hamlet Starring Doctor Bacon

            I understand that I haven't been posting as much lately, but mostly because I really want more people to enjoy my writings.  So sharing is extremely encouraged--and if you don't share my entries, I can send my Daleks in to EXTERMINATE YOU!  Ha, ha, just kidding!  Mostly.

            Yeah, I'm SUCH a troll to y'all……

            Anyways, for the moment, I am drafting up my blog entries away from the library through Microsoft Word so I can just copy, paste, add shit, format shit…  (Not that any of my entries are shit--I'm like Stan "The Man" Lee in that I highly believe that my blog posts are just made of AWESOME SAUCE AND BACON, despite needing some improvements…)  And there might be times when I would just wind up doing some twofers and threesomes…  Yeah, I know, it sounds kinky, but it's a SHIT TON OF WORK when you have a week to review three movies + three books and you have to space it out a little when you post it all!  So I might just get a shit ton of posts ready and then schedule its publishing date so I don't have to simply freak out.  Unless it's like that drunk person episode I'm still laughing about; who DOESN'T like Dalek-hugging drunks, hmmm?  Despite being a little unpredictable, they're just so LOVABLE and stuffs!  But as I was saying, if anything like that ever happens again, or if I really need to get a message out I can't keep bottled up inside (i.e. rants, which I tend to do a lot), I'll get that post out of the way, and then delay the others a bit.  I plan on getting a minimum of five posts published over a two week period.  Which shouldn't seem that hard…  And, yes, Universe/God/Loki/Force/Karma, I can fucking see the wheels turning in your head, plotting how to fuck me the FUCK over.  Give it up, cuz I'm not letting this bitch die, since it's a cute and sexy bitch that has Doctors, drunk people, cats, and is BETTER THAN TWILIGHT!!!!  (Twihards, shut up--you know I'm right!)

            So, now that's all clear with y'all, on with the kickass review of one of the best Shakespearean films ever made…

Hamlet starring David Super-Sexy Tennant and Sir Patrick Bacon-Baron Stewart!!!

             Why did William Shakespeare write something like HAMLET?

            So that the BBC could make a modern day version of it out of BACON, with BACON-CLASS ACTORS such as David "Doctor 10" Tennant and Sir Patrick "Captain Picard" Stewart!

            I know--hacky joke.  But it's so full of bacon that the Whovians and the Trekkies might as well have had an endless orgy together and made a sex tape of it, releasing it as this version of Hamlet!

            Can you tell how much I love this film already?  Oh, you can't because you're not telepathic enough, not counting the Ood?  Aw, shit, I thought you could!  But I think it's for the best because dangerous things lurk within the shadows of my mind that should never see the light of day…  Yeah, I agree, I should never think those thoughts, but who put you in charge of my mind?  I never did, even when I was buzzed!  (Yes, that happens, but I never allow myself to get Dalek-hugging drunk.)  Anyways, PAY ATTENTION FOR YOU WILL BE QUIZZED!

This is Nerdface!  Like it?
            First of all, majorly mad Master props to the BBC and Gregory Doran (Wow, I know the name of the director!  Impressed yet?) and the cast and crew for getting this badass masterpiece together, because they executed the film so well it seems like nobody else could make it so amazingly delicious like this!  It's like the stars are aligned so perfectly that it seemed Shakespeare himself didn't die, but aged hundreds of years just to help us make this film!  (Or his ghost kept up with modern society as time crept along and then helped out.  Hey, a nerd like me can dream, can't she?)  Never have I seen a modernization of a Shakespearean performance be produced so well since that modern version of Romeo and Juliet starring Leonardo DiCaprio.  Oi, please don't groan like that: I grew up in quite a small town, sheltered a lot, so my tastes in film may be a little different, okay?  *NERD FACE*

             But as I was saying, the film was made so well, and David Tennant did excellent in his role, even to the point when I could see the Doctor inside of him, just echoes of the heroic-yet-dangerous Time Lord living inside, influencing him subtly enough to the point where it seems like that version of the Doctor hadn't really died and all you can do is make grabby hands at the screen while clutching your sonic screwdriver (as in either the tool or the alcoholic drink--your choice) and silently screaming "DOCTORRRRRR!" every time you see certain elements of this character emerge in that featurette.  Yes, I did this sans screwdriver and it didn't help much…at all.  And yes, Shakespeare wrote the play but the ones who created the visual interpretation of it, with the retro film camera, the security camera, the hidden passages, the modern attire and military technology mixed with old-fashioned scandalous monarchy should be considered members of the Hollywood and English-version-of-Hollywood royalty.

            And Sir Patrick Stewart kicked ass!  Not only as Claudius, but also as Hamlet's dead father's ghost (of the rightful but murdered king)!  For some reason, he not only oozed Enterprise's TNG Captain (with facial hair) but he did so well that he made the characters bear his face now, whenever someone thinks "King Claudius".  The only complaints I have are the mysterious shrug before he drinks the poisoned cup (it seems a little out of place--I don't know why, though) and the scene with the military not having enough background; it just looked like snow on a platform and blackness in the background--not very worldly in my opinion.  If it were me, I'd have done a military base or a forest or a field next to a forest, all covered in snow in the background, because a limited setting just doesn't cut it, despite bringing more attention to Tennant's Hamlet.  Might I suggest some sort of snowy fog at night?

            All in all, well executed, especially the set and the soliloquoys, including "To be or not to be; that is the question"--so well done!  (And yet, my squirrelly brain can't help bring up a scene of Sir Patrick Stewart doing a different version of that monologue for Sesame Street for the letter B.  In case you missed it, here you go…)


            I absolutely recommend it be shown in schools across the country for English class because if you're a badass nerdy teacher who is making his own scalemail for the class trip to the Renaissance Faire, WHY THE FUCK NOT?!  (You know I mean you, Mr. Perelli, who taught me English in the 11th grade!  Feel free to fangasm as you watch this film for the first time.  And bring your own sonic screwdriver.  Yes, I recommend the tool instead of the drink, though I'd like to have one of the latter right now, to be honest…)

            But raving aside, why not inject a little comedy, eh?  Here's a CSI:Denmark cutscene from my buddy, Nick "Nutcase Nightmare" Liow, creator of the :the game: series and Interwebz master of Craftyy, the online game remixer!


            May your fencing foils never be tipped with a very potent and deadly venom and your drinks never be poisoned!  Oh, and may your sister(s and brothers) never drown in any bodies of water, giving you cause to murder someone who looks like David Tennant, and may Lieutenant Horatio Caine of Miami-Dade PD always bid you "Goodnight, sweet prince."

            P.S.  I think that it should be of note that after I finished watching the film and the special features that I couldn't stop thinking in Shakespearean English.  I know there's a technical term for this, but I can't think of it at the moment of my drafting this entry, so please forgive me.  But really, I mean, I just could do like, Freudian Shakespeare that I can't stop coming up with until after I went to bed!
            Cue the Picardian facepalm!


            P.P.S. Sorry.  I lied about the quiz.  Mr. Perelli can give you one if you want, though! J

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

The Strange Incident with the Drunk Regular in the Underground Lair

Best to listen to this song while reading this post:

            I finally got a topic to write about in a chance encounter at the Underground Lair, which is basically what I consider to be a "nerd shop," where they sell nerdy stuff like action figures, vintage toys, vinyl records, geeky magnets, Doctor Who merch (that is IMPORTED ACROSS THE POND FROM THE UK!) and other stuff that's interesting for us nerds.
                                                                                                           
            The encounter took place as follows:
                                                  
            Time: after 5pm EDT on Saturday, October 12, 2013
            Location: The Underground Lair in Bethlehem, PA

            I was on my way home from the library and Harvestfest was taking place, with wine-and-soup trails winding through the main drag of Bethlehem, bars wide open and overflowing with people drinking, some more sober entertainment at various locations, and a ton of vendors selling their wares, and I decided to make a pit stop on the way home to the Underground Lair, who have fantastic shopkeeps and toys I've been feeling nostalgic about.  The inflatable Dalek is there in all its red glory, standing guard next to the register, and we were just chatting until one very drunk individual comes in, looking for his money and his ID.  He was a little mentally lost and, surprisingly, he's a regular at the UGL!  He was obviously drunk (you can smell the alcohol when he unintentionally breathes on you) and he was in and out, in and out, like a drunk needle pulling a thread of alcoholic odor through the fabric of the Underground Lair's shop threshold.

            Not only was he trying to figure out where his ID, money and car is all at, he was weirded out by these dolls that were not very creepy at all, having the drunker version of a Zak Bagans reaction to "creepy dolls".  So I offered to stand in front of them to block their view of him, saying that I'll "stare at him instead".  I wound up standing in front of the dolls whenever he re-enters the shop, as he tries to figure out what happened to his belongings.

            He was also very huggy; I kid you not, he hugged the inflatable guard Dalek twice!  Kris (the female shopkeep who is so awesome she keeps the Facebook page for UGL updated with cool stuff!) was like, "you break it, you buy it, and you don't have your money on you!"  And for some reason, this is a repeat performance of inebriated behavior.  Like, he demonstrated what his mother would yell at him with me in his role.  Kris is like, "Please don't yell at my customers!" and I'm like, "Uhhh, okaaaaay…."  And I think he felt bad after a little light scolding from Kris, so he's like, "I'm sorry," and hugged me!  The good news is his arms and hands stayed north of my equator, so it was really more of a Howard-Raj hug, from The Big Bang Theory.  And, still being nice, I hugged him back.

            He left again, and Kris was wrestling with the dilemma of calling the cops on a drunk regular who is yelling at and hugging both their customers and their guard Dalek, then starts apologizing to me.  I'm like, "It's no big deal.  I dealt with Mom after she had two White Russians, and my sister went through a slightly more intense deal with tequila, where she didn't understand how toilets, pants, gravity, and doors worked."  And she suggested that I leave the next time he comes back.  I suggested leaving before he does, with agreement from her, but he came back before I could act on that idea.  So we had this unspoken exit plan in place: Kris went, "Okay, see you around," and I'm like, "Sure.  See ya, Kris!"  And I added, out of evil impulse and a little vengeance, "Have fun with the creepy dolls!"  I couldn't help tweeting about it while heading home with a "WTF?!" kind of grin on my face, giggling awkwardly.

            I imagine he couldn't stop obsessing about it after I left, staring at them with a drunken paranoia, swearing that he lost his belongings to them.

            Lessons from this encounter:

1.      Don't be so drunk that you lose your money, keys, friends, and transportation.
2.      Have your money, plastic and ID in a WALLET and not a money clip; wallets are harder to lose than cash in a money clip.
3.      If you have to deal with such a drunk, be a little kind and patient; these people can be quite unpredictable, and yelling will result with negative reactions.
4.      If they're slightly uneasy from creepy-looking dolls or clowns or whatever, always mention them when leaving their company so they obsess drunkenly over them instead of hugging inflatable Daleks and complete strangers.
5.      Always blog about these moments!!!


            Apologies to Mom and my sis for mentioning their drunk moments; I simply wanted to share my experience with inebriated people who aren't Puerto Ricans who regularly attend the huge parties that the one particular friend of the family throws every year.  Also to the drunken stranger, who I hope learned his lesson from this experience; I also hope you've sobered up well enough after this with little hangover feelings.

And to laugh it all off, I give you this relevant treat:


Friday, October 11, 2013

A Glowing Book Review for The Bloggess: So Glowing You'd Swear It's Radioactive!

Now, I understand that you're shaking your head and rolling your eyes at this point.... After a surprisingly ranty post the last time, I'm doing a book review again?

Trust me, it's worth the squirreliness you're dealing with on a regular basis.

Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess, is the BEST BOOK I EVER FUCKING READ!  I kid you not!  There's so much wit and insanity that not only will you laugh, you'll also cry--from laughing so hard!

Technical analysis?  THROW THAT SHIT OUT THE WINDOW AND INTO YOUR NAZI NEIGHBOR'S FAN!  This book is exempt from spelling error issues and typos and grammar flops!  Why?  Because this blogging goddess just made everything better the moment I finished reading it!  And I'm so glad that I got my own copy!  I originally purchased it from The Moravian Book Shop, intending to let my parents (who are also fans of hers) borrow the book.  I didn't realize that they already had a copy of it.  And the library also had a copy of the book.  But it's so important to purchase your own copy--because if you check it out of the library or borrow it from someone else, YOU'LL NEVER WANT TO GIVE IT BACK!

I swear, I was laughing so hard that I got high!  So much dopamine was coursing through my brain I could've been high!  It's like nothing you ever read.  Curl up with a taxidermied animal and read this because you'll reserve it for the days you'll want something hilarious to help you feel better on your darker days!

This book is like THIS:

And I hope that when you're done reading this review, you'll be like THIS:

GO GET A COPY NOW!!!!  And laugh away everything, including the Apocalypse!

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

A Meteorologist Clips His Jet Wings and A Rant About the Government Brats

             I understand that you won't always want to read rants from me.  But I really have to get this out there onto the Interwebs.  I just read an article from Yahoo about how a meterologist read an IPCC report on how climate changeis worse than ever before, one that projected to a time beyond the year 2100, and decided once and for all to no longer fly anywhere.  He found out that his flying attributed to about half of his carbon footprint.  He chose to use video conferencing and phone calls if he could help it, and to use cars and trains if he needed to travel.  Which I can appreciate; if you need to do something, find an alternative way of doing it, one that has less of an impact on the environment.  To which I cheer and send my verbal support: why can't we all do that?  Why can't we just simply do what this guy is doing, which is have a greener lifestyle?

            I'm sure government officials will be reading this by now, so I'd like to present my definition of the environmental term "green":

            Green (grēn): adjective An environmental term used to describe actions and products that have little to no negative impact on the environment.  It's not just a color, it's a movement people shouldn't ignore, especially those living with the principal of plentitude.

            I can present a number of businesses who made being environmentally friendly part of the business practice.  Chipotle, for example, is really a TexMex kind of green Subway; they use grass-fed beef, free range chicken, no meat that is fed hormones, and they offer vegetarian options!  They use recycled materials for the napkins, they wash (and sanitize) used baskets, recycle oil barrels into trash bins, pizza pans as trays!  I love their efforts!  If other restaurants use similar business practices, the country could cut its carbon footprint down sizably and be very effective in saving the world from a destruction our descendants have to deal with (if they live that long).


            Yeah, McDonald's and Burger King and KFC and A&W and Pizza Hut and Long John Silver's and Popeye's and Subway and all you other restaurants out there!  I'm calling you out on this shit!  People will love you more if you adapt these business practices to your company!  And don't just use some of them; instead, use all of them!  You'll get more business from people who will feel less guilty for supporting a chain that used to help propel us to a dystopian landscape and even get tax credits for being so green!  You don't need lobbyists, just the common sense to recycle inedible products, use healthier-sourced foods……  And I don't want you to use your PR shtick of "We have our customer's best interests at heart," or whatever.  I want you to be honest: release a report of the least green practices you use, and release them all; if I even sense that you're withholding anything, I'll go on a social media campaign to incur a boycott of your services!  I'll keep my money to myself, along with my friends' business, if I have to, to get you to wake the fuck up.

            But there is one problem: the idiots who feel that they can shit on baby seals and not give a damn or get punished.  In fact, one such idiot who calls himself Jim (when we really should be calling him Shithead, Dickface and Vaginamouth) made a stupid comment on that idea!


            He really should be banned from the Interwebz for his dickish attitude.

            But when I think of people wanting to live a life of plentitude (having more than enough to live a richer lifestyle where we could have almost anything we want while people starve in Africa, China, North Korea, the Middle East, the rest of Asia, even the slummy areas of North America; think the Capitol citizens in the Hunger Games trilogy), I also think of the government brats who pay SO MUCH for their mansions, cars, arsenals, their annual cruises of the Mediterranean, and complain that the money that funds the now-shutdown government is starting to disappear.  They're so denying that the money that funds said government is actually going right into their pockets.  (This is actually why I did not vote for Romney: he represented corporate  greed and the plentitude we're conditioned to live in.)

Government Brats Should Grow Up

             Does anyone remember how this shutdown happened?  The government is shutdown, yes, and is going through (at the time of this post) its eighth day.

            I know how it happened: because those brats in power have been bickering and fighting like children in a real-life Romeo and Juliet!  I kid you not, the Republicans are Montagues, feuding with the Democrats who are the Capulets, refusing to work with each other because the other side is who they are, while the rest of us suffer from the consequences of such a feud.  Didn't the updated version from the 90s (starring Leonardo DiCaprio) teach you NOTHING?

            They're fighting like children!  Children!  Even toddlers learn to share the sandbox and their toys at an early age!  Yet the Donkeys and Elephants are having a contest  as to who can make a bigger shitpile that can sink the whole aircraft carrier!  YES, AMERICA IS AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER AND YOU'RE TRYING TO SINK THE DAMN THING! 


            It's expensive!  It's childish!  It's so many egos trying to give themselves a blowjob so they can inflate!  I have news for you, KIDS….  Grow the fuck up and get this country up and running!  You're killing it.  And not like Krewella!

            Congressmen, Congresswomen, Senators….please.  Just meet in the middle, which is where I'm at (Moderate for the WIN!).  It's not a bad place to be; in fact, the view is nice, despite the fence being stuck between my legs.  Put aside your differences, let Obamacare run (because it really is a nice idea; imagine how it can help the medical transition of people with disabilities), and just KISS AND MAKE UP!

            (To tell you the truth, that's what I'd love to see: Obama and Boehner kissing each other on the lips, practically making out with each other.  MAKE IT HAPPEN, INTERWEBZ!)

            Imagine how much EASIER things will get once we stop fighting with each other!  You'll manage to get things done a LOT faster without the bureaucracy and bickering!  The  country can be a democracy once again, instead of the Hypocrisy it is now.  That's what we are at the moment: a government full of people who are two-faced brats who are having temper tantrums and need a time out or a violent spanking.

            Just fix it.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Midget Ghost Theory and A Review of the 100th Ghost Adventures Epsiode


            I understand that I promised this post on Saturday.  But in that case, Saturday meant Monday, so  I hope you forgive me for that temporal flop as I finally post something after not knowing exactly what to blog about.  There's two parts to this one…with this half part warming you readers up.

            Please allow me to explain the title…. because it might not make sense to a random "normal" person stumbling upon this blog out of sheer boredom or Googling.  First of all, the Ghost Adventures Crew just aired their 100th episode so I'm going to review that.  Yes, a review of their 100th episode.  They have been around for years so why haven't I reviewed any of the others?  Easy: I didn't have this blog up before!

            "Midget Ghost Theory" came out of a discussion on Twitter where I was simply scrambling for a topic to blog about.  I just asked a few people for topic ideas, but @NotGayDalek just had to bring up religious topics and gay marriage and I'm like, "I'M NOT DOING THAT!"  Later on, people brought up the Amish and "gay Amish," "Amish Gay Marriage" and finally "Gay Amish Ghosts".  To which I responded with the tweet pictured below…..

            And there it is….I have my reasons for it, which includes audio from the Nerdist Podcast.  But I'll get to that in a moment.

            First, the review of Ghost Adventures episode #100!

Ghost Adventures #100: The Exorcist House


            I'd like to first congratulate Zak Bagans, Nick Groff, Aaron Goodwin, Billy Tolley, and Jay Wasley (whom I've met and chatted with at Parafest 2013!  SQUEE!) on making it all the way to their 100th episode!  And being a nerd, I can't forget to also say congratulations to the rest of the production team, the editors and the team at the Travel Channel…  Giving credit where credit is due so people don't feel left out…

            It's either credit or plastic!  Though plastic may be a bit cheaper…


            It was only 2004 when Zak, Nick and Aaron first started filming the documentary and captured not only footage of a FULL-BODIED APPARITION (which is a big deal within the paranormal community because it's SO RARE!) but also poltergeist activity on film.  (You can read more about this in the books Zak Bagans published, Dark World, or Chasing Spirits by Nick Groff)  Now, they've been considered experts in the paranormal field, and are quite often recognized as celebrities by a ton of fans.  Their investigation style quite often involves breaking one of the rules of paranormal investigation: never go someplace alone, which has safety and practical reasons behind it.  They also sometimes provoke and almost always head to locations with a dark history and what could be demonic activity.  They've investigated strip clubs, brothels, casinos, abandoned hospitals, Loretta Lynn's Ranch, an English fort, even an island used to quarantine people and cremate their remains when plagues hit Italy, the very same island that is now forbidden to locals and tourists on holiday by the Italian government.  But for their 100th episode, they decided to do something very significant, to give a very special intense treat to all the fans who also like horror films….


            The Exorcist was a novel and also a film that is actually based on real events that happened in the 1940s in St. Louis.  It is believed that the demonic entity that possessed the boy when he and his grandmother were playing with the Ouija board is still in that house where the actual exorcism.  People are afraid to enter it and even the family that currently owns it is afraid to talk about it at all.  So this little journey really seems like a search for some answers for the crew's previous bouts with demons.  It's also dangerous, as demonic forces can really fuck your health and life up, perhaps even possess you and tear families apart.  It is real and very dangerous; people could die from demonic possession.

            There have been strange goings-on surrounding this investigation as well, with Father Ashcraft, their consulting priest, falling ill a couple of days before the investigation when he was on his way to talk with the crew, with an unexplainable crack appearing in one of the windows while talking with a neighbor, with the guys feeling such fear, especially Nick, who exclaimed, "I have a…family!  I don't want to die from this!"

            My assessment of the episode?  It definitely seems special, definitely has that sense of darkness that surrounds the story.  The sequence editing (arranging the clips in a certain order for those who don't understand the jargon I sometimes use to sound technical), I probably wouldn't touch for now but if there was a better way to arrange things, I would've done it that way.  It wasn't the best episode  by far but it could have some improvements so it could be better.  I can't pinpoint them at the moment.  The narration could also use some polishing….  All in all, it's still a very exciting episode, with #GA100 becoming a trending topic on Twitter!

            But there are also questions related to the paranormal that I feel need answering--which brings me to the next topic in regards to little people (which will sometimes be referred to as "midgets"--simplification, not labeling, so please don't take offense; apologies in advance….)

The Midget Ghost Theory


            People can come up with some weird questions for Google; mine included, "Do people who abuse LSD see in ultraviolet when on acid?" or "Can cats hold complete conversations in not-dubbed English with people?"  And the most important one I wouldn't just ask the GAC, but also members of the Haunted Collector team, TAPS and the Constantinos:

DO MIDGET GHOSTS EXIST?

            It is a bit difficult to determine whether the ghosts of little people really do exist, as they can be mistaken for children due to their being "fun-sized".  But there is another reason for this, as "midget ghosts" might just not exist at all.  The best explanation for this can be provided by a Matt Mira story from Nerdist Podcast episode number 10, which was recorded at a live show at Largo in LA and features Adam Savage from Mythbusters….

Here's the audio from Youtube......

Matt Mira:  I have a somewhat related midget story.  Uh, the, uh… When I, I used to work at a funeral home and, uh--
Chris Hardwick:  Oh my god!  His…funeral home stories are…and he loves it, like, when he goes home to Boston, he fills in part-time at the funeral home, just helping out.
Matt Mira:  Put the fun in funeral!  (Laughter)  But, uh, so we're at the cemetery, and uh, Manny, one of the cemetery guys who digs the graves, he says--we're just standing there afterwards, you know, we make sure that the grave is filled in so that no one steals stuff.  Uh, so we stand there with him….
Chris:  That's the minimum that guy's job is, making sure that the grave is filled…
Matt:  So he turns and he goes…He just goes, "Hey, uh, can I ask you something?"  And I was like, "Yeah, what's up, Manny?" and he goes, "You guys ever do a funeral for a leetle person?" and I think and I ask my friend Joe, and we're like, "No, we haven't."  And [Manny] goes, "We haven't either, man.  They don't die!"
(Laughter)

            So, with that (so-called) knowledge, we can now apply the property of Association:  if ghosts are the earth-bound spirits of dead people, and little people don't die, then how can there be midget ghosts if there aren't any dead little people?

            Of course, I might be wrong.  Which is why this is called the Midget Ghost Theory, not the Midget Ghost Fact.  I might also be wrong in the sense that there are midget ghosts and they are just mistaken for children.  They could just be hiding somewhere out of the way or something, or they could move on right after death to some unknown afterlife that many religious scholars and quantum physicists theorize about.  We just really don't know.


            But I really hope there are midget ghosts, if not for my excitement but also to help my tweep @LisaR_M feel less disappointed about the supposed non-existence of these types of spirits; if there are any of them out there, we need to hold the digital recorders and PX devices a little lower or provide step stools to help them out, lest we feel phantom kicks on our shins that are trying to grab our attention.


            (Please note that this second half is solely based on silliness and comedy.  There's almost nothing serious and factual about the "Midget Ghost Theory".  And I'm not an expert, so don't take my word for it.)

Friday, October 4, 2013

An Open Letter to All Bad Drivers (Especially the MORON From Yesterday Evening)

Warning!  This post is R-rated!  Don't let kids read this!

There's a reason why I'm addressing you about this topic: I've seen plenty of them yesterday and I'm done rolling my eyes (which is probably why I'm a little cross-eyed nowadays).  And I can bet you that about 80% of the strangers out there did something wrong while behind the wheel.

Now, don't just ignore this post.  Don't deny your actions, don't go, "Oh, this doesn't apply to me but it applies to someone I know even though I think I didn't run through three red lights yesterday!  Hey, (insert name of friend here)!  Check this out!"  And don't think it only applies to the person pictured here.....

Everyone has shitty driving nowadays.  I've seen it myself, even though I don't drive.  So, yes, I'm addressing you, whether you've been given a link to this post via e-mail or twitter or facebook or whatever, OR you've somehow found this post via Google or Blogger or Twitter!

Especially if you've done any of the following listed below.... (Liars, just fucking read this!)

--You regularly stop at any point past the stop sign line (which does NOT include the crosswalk, mind you!)

--You park illegally because you "didn't see the sign and the rule only applies to the people who see the sign," sir with the million parking tickets especially!

--You regularly park in the accessible parking spots without the required license plates or placard.

--You turn on a red where there are No Turn On Red signs ALL OVER THE INTERSECTION!

--You run through red lights regularly.

--You run red lights even though you were at a speed when you can stop and the yellow is about to turn red but you do it anyways while the yellow turns to red.

--You ignore the impatient pedestrians standing at the corner.

--You tailgate like this guy: 

Obviously, this crowd of morons need more rigorous testing--one regularly applied in a real-world environment.  People who fail this test must have their licenses revoked.

I know you don't care.  That's why I absolutely KNOW you're blowing this off.  But take it from me: the next time I see you fucking me over when I'm behind the wheel, I'm handing the tape from my dashboard cam over to the cops and they can hunt your guilty ass down.  Be not just safe but also courteous behind the wheel, hang up your fucking smart (or dumb) phone and pay attention to the environment outside your vehicle.

If you do, you won't end up like this:
 

Thank you for reading this and remember.... I HAVE MY EYES ON YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!

Thursday, October 3, 2013

A Rant and Education about Banned Books

I promised you a look into Banned Books and Banned Book Week.... I'll get into that in a minute.... If you wish to skip ahead, feel free while I fill some of the space below with rants about my real life.

I love my parents.  I really do.  I understand that much of what they do is out of their love for me and out of fear for what will happen to me if I fail inspection AGAIN.  But a lot of the time, we seem to be on different levels of communication.  I think that what I did with my money is okay because what I do with my life is mine, etc.  What right do they have to question my actions and decisions?  I often feel as though I have to defend my choices to them.  It feels quite....aggravating to have my parents there all the time.  And I fear the possibilities of what would happen, which is what they only want to talk about with me sometimes; I fear those possibilities so much that I block them out, that I choose not to think about them.  Because they hurt and are scary.  I don't want to endure that fear so much, the way Mom and Dad do.  I can see it hurts them, so I avoid the hurt by not thinking about it.

Don't get me wrong: I want to solve my problems.  But sometimes I have no idea where to start.  They do, and they keep telling me.  They keep saying what I need to do but it doesn't seem to compute with me.  Perhaps I need to experience the problem solving myself to fully understand......

Now, with that said.... Let's get into the topic I chose.....

Why Banned Books?

A lot of the information I am putting here comes from InfoPlease so don't worry.....

It may seem archaic and trivial but book banning still takes place even today.  The Giver, To Kill a Mockingbird, even Anne Frank: Diary of a Young Girl were all banned for various reasons, even though their existence is actually quite important, to share knowledge of what has happened or what can happen in the future.  But if they're so important, why are certain texts banned?

A lot of times, it's for the best intentions, mostly to protect people, especially children from the horrors of the human mind, specifically ideas that are quite difficult to understand.  Of course, certain governments take it a step further: banning books and media that counters their idea of a perfect government, especially the propaganda they put out.  Like, why would China and North Korea allow books that promote capitalism and the "American dream"?  Because it would threaten their influence over the people in those countries.

I agree that these books have to exist, despite their status.  Some address racism, others allow imagination, and some just outright question certain ideals like a Utopian society.

Others are deemed anti-American, such as A Hero Ain't Nothin' But a Sandwich by Alice Childress.  But most are considered to be not suitable for children.  Isn't that what the Young Adult genre label is for, anyways?

Banned books exist.  You might disagree with its existence but it's there.  Golden Compass is there and full of ideas, despite the intentions of the author.  The Giver is there, too, warning us of the dangers of a Utopian society.  Just give it a chance before pissing on it and perhaps it could open a few minds up to possibilities.

Let us celebrate the books and experience the hurt--the way we should!

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

What's Really Going On....

Apparently, I can't seem to access http://ladyeden1337.blogspot.com so here's the new blog I'm starting up....

Not to mention that I failed to get the damn DottyDotDot link OUT of Blogger..... So you'll have to ignore that..... Technical difficulties obviously.

Let's start with the basics.... I'm similar--I have grown since my last post on Unnecessarily Needed Commentary.  I'm doing my best to survive and now....I've got plans and games afoot!

But please, allow me to treat you to a book review for my first post for this blog so that we may start off on the right foot.....

Matched by Ally Condie


What would you do if you lived in a perfect society where everything you do is dictated by Officials that know you so well they can predict your actions?  What would you do if they determine when you work, where you work, where you live, what your name is, even when you die and who you'll marry?  What would you do if your perfect Match was selected for you?

Sounds perfect, right?  Not really, according to Cassia Maria Reyes.  There are some chinks in the armor, with rebellion in the Outer Provinces and every member of the Society carrying three tablets in a case.... blue for emergency sustenance, green to calm the person down (Universal Xanax) and red for when the Officials tell you take them.  Not everybody knows what the red one does....yet.....

In this modern-day take on the Banned Book The Giver, controlled perfection is examined, as well as the measures a government would take to keep that perfect level in society, through the eyes of one citizen, the daughter of a lower-level Official tasked with disposing of literature and art that was left over from the fall of the society that existed before theirs: our society.  Nobody is allowed to outright create new things.  But one Matching later, Cassia is in the middle of a major conspiracy, one even she never knew about.

This definitely gives a much needed update to The Giver, which made it onto The American Library Association's List of the 100 Most Frequently Challenged Books of 1990–2000.  It's been added to the Banned Books list but celebrated and even a required read for middle school students.  Hopefully, Matched is the Microsoft Surface to The Giver's Mac Book Pros. (Don't hate me for the comparison....just understand it.)

Stay tuned for an examination on Banned Books!

Edit: I added an image of the cover to this review....hope you like it....