Hold
onto your action figures, because this one's a long one! Also, I'd like to point out that this post is
not very accurate; it's more of a description of what I believe would make up a
superhero,
as it makes sense to me and not so much my sister!!! So, please don't get mad! The optional theme song is
Last Sons remix.
Just
recently, Jenny the Bloggess posted to her immensely popular blog
a hilarious(as usual) nerdy argument with her husband Victor about Mighty Mouse and
Underdog being superheroes and what actually is the definition of the term
"superhero". It escalated into
"What the FUCK does it mean to be a superhero?" all thanks to the
people who commented on the blog post saying, "It's ONLY the costume; no,
it's the secret identity; it's actually wanting to save the day; can anyone say
superpowers?" which I disagree with for the most part due to the fact that
it's not any one singular aspect of superhero-ism. In fact, I kept directing my friend's
attention to it with the hope that he can contribute his point of view on the
subject because he's the person to talk to (in addition to Chris
@nerdist
Hardwick aka "Big C" and Wil
@wilw Wheaton and Matt Mira and Jonah
Ray of the Nerdist Podcast, not to mention the godfather
of all superheroes, Stan THE
MAN Lee) about this subject. Hopefully
my friend can provide some insight to this matter as he is a comic book nerd,
superhero nerd, computers, etc. He's a
nerd who should share his knowledge of everything Marvel-DC-Dark Horse so that
this way people can stop endlessly arguing about the subject, which somehow
expanded to Tony the Tiger being a drug dealer, Scooby Doo being a dog who can
eat (hero) sandwiches (bad pun, so sorry), and the Doctor of the Whoniverse
being a superhero…... or not.
I
figured, you know what? Let's break the
composition of being a superhero down into multiple parts that I shall discuss
at Nerdy lengths. Now, I might not be
entirely correct, so this is just my opinion of what the "recipe" is
for a superhero (sammich). In any
(nut)case…. *AHEM!*
Alignment: How Morality and Ethics Make Love
If anyone
has played any sort of roleplaying game (RPG) at all, especially Dungeons and Dragons
(D&D), they should know that one of the steps in creating a new character
is choosing an Alignment. According to
Wikipedia (the non-encyclopedia that's really a self-policed general knowledge
and information clearinghouse, whose information I actually took from Big C's
book
The Nerdist Way's "RPG
Your Life" chapter), "Alignment is a categorisation of the moral and
ethical perspective of the player characters."
And the
official position on alignment can be credited to the roleplaying gamesmith
company known as Wizards of the Coast (
Pokémon
Trading Card Game,
Call of Cthulhu,
etc.)—
Alignment is central to a D&D
character's personality. D&D uses
two measures to determine a specific character's ethical and moral attitudes
and behavior.
The moral axis has three
positions: good, neutral, and evil. Good
characters generally care about the welfare of others. Neutral people generally care about their own
welfare. Evil people generally seek to
harm the others' welfare.
The ethical axis has three
positions as well: lawful, neutral, and chaotic. Lawful people generally follow the social
rules as they understand them. Neutral
people follow those rules [they] find convenient or obviously necessary. And chaotic people seek to upset the social
order and either institute change, or simply create anarchy.
So
there's no singular way to align yourself; instead, there's nine--you could be
the law-abiding citizen who rises to the occasion to protect people and do what
it takes to do away with anyone of the Evil alignments, you could be the cowboy
who basically only looks out for their own self or you could be the evil
mercenary who could help the villain by selling their services and limited
loyalty to them.
If there
was a graphical representation of the Alignment axes, it would look like this:
If you already know about the alignment areas, skip ahead
to the next part of this section. If
not, I suggest you read the description I've laid out for you here with the
help of Big C's Nerdist Way
book (yes, again; it's very educational)…. Which I totally recommend you check
out; my Elks home service nurse is doing just that….
Π Lawful
Good—The
"Crusader": These people
are saintly do-gooders who do what it takes to SAVE THE WORLD! Many superheroes and heroes fall into this
category. Examples include Superman,
Batman, Wonder Woman, Indiana Jones; any actual mainstream superhero you can
think of is typically grouped together in this category.
Π Neutral
Good—The
"Benefactor": If Lawful-Goods follow a third-party code,
Neutral-Goods are bound by their own conscience. They will act altruistically, even if some of
their actions aren't considered technically "legal", which is why
most regular people fall into this category.
(Yes, most; if you haven't seen my bad driving post yet, you
need to press PAUSE here and read up on that.)
Examples include Spiderman, Zorro, Han Solo quite a bit, young Captain
James Kirk of Star Trek on his first mission in the Alternate Universe movie
series, and ME!
Π Chaotic
Good—The "Rebel" (noun): These characters are vigilantes, who are
basically drawn towards a greater good, but have little care for any political
authority unless it lines up with their own agenda. In fact, they might rebel (verb) because they
like to be in control of their own world and don't like being under someone else's
authority. They're not above doing bad
stuff and getting their hands dirty if it serves that "greater good"
in the end. Added characteristics:
LADIES LOVE THESE GUYS! Examples include
the Doctor, Robin Hood, Dexter Morgan, early Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.
version), Neo inside the Matrix, Wolverine, and Walter White from Breaking Bad.
Π Lawful
Neutral—The "Soldier": These people are dogmatic and "enjoy
an abdicratic existence where [they] do everything [they're] told in an effort
to never question [their] authority of choice." Every soldier of lower rank falls into this
category (thank you for serving and making sacrifices for us; I'd join you, but
y'all wouldn't be able to handle me out on the battlefield—SORRY!) There's no real allegiance to the good or
evil morality alignments, just orders and tradition. Examples include James Bond, Odysseus,
Forrest Gump in boot camp, super-straight cops (as in, not crooked), SD-6
grunts in Alias in the very beginning, evil minions, the Minions in Despicable
Me.
Π "True"
Neutral—The "Undecided": These people have no sway one way or the
other in any direction; anyone who doesn't fit into any of the other alignment
categories are in this category. Animals
that have at most little self-awareness (or whales) typically are grouped here
because they don’t have the burden of moral and ethical dilemmas and decision
making. It's too vague if you stick
yourself here, opinion-wise, but that's your choice. Examples include full-time druggies (stoners
and potholes and crackheads and whatnot) and animals without much sentience
(meaning not Scooby-Doo, neither Underdog nor Mighty Mouse), who are basically
just your run of the mill [insert favorite animals here—mine would be either
the tauntaun or the Tribble].
Taxidermied animals also are in this group; all they do is WATCH
YOU PRANCE AROUND THE HOUSE NAKED AND NOT GIVE A SINGLE DAMN ABOUT IT!!!
Π Chaotic
Neutral—The "Free Spirit": Hippie Central basically. These people only give a crap about
themselves and their own wants and needs without regard for anyone or
anything. They're free to do whatever
they want, and they'll just undermine authority for the sake of undermining
it. Examples include Jesse James the
Outlaw (or other "famously" infamous cowboys), Han Solo when you first
meet him, Captain Jack Sparrow, other pirates, any anarchists, Anonymous on the
Internets (no offense or disrespect).
Π Lawful
Evil—The "Dominator": These people are the kinds of corrupt
politicians who would rub their hands together and go "MWAHAHAHA!". They do follow a code of conduct or a leader,
and while they wouldn't go out of their way to crush someone, they take great
pleasure to remove obstacles that take the form of other people. Examples include Boba Fett, Magneto, Darth
Sidious early on, other dictators, and I'm tossing Mitt Romney in here just
because I don't like him or his motives.
Π Neutral
Evil—The "Malefactor": These morons are not needlessly
destructive, but they also don't follow any higher code. Guided by their own desires, they'll only
pledge allegiance to those who will help them get what they want and then
resort to backstabbing if it suits them.
Anyone in this category is NOT your friend! Examples include Megatron and any Bond
villain out there.
Π Chaotic
Evil—The "Destroyer": These beings (people or otherwise) are pure
evil, plain and simple. They're guided
by their own desires and are almost always cruel and awful. Demons, monsters,
most serial killers, terrorists, etc. are typically thrown into this
category. Examples include Darth Maul,
Sauron from Lord of the Rings,
Satan himself, etc.
So,
yeah. That's how alignment goes so
far. And people in the Bloggess' blog
post comments were saying, "It's about intent! It's INTENT!" I'm like, "'Intent' has a couple of
names (morality and ethical views) and those two names formed the love-child
word of 'ALIGNMENT'! And that's not the
only part of being a superhero!"
Because you see, alignment is at the core of the individual's
personality, and it directs how they view the world, act upon it and react to
certain situations. Superheroes (and
heroes in general) are generally the very good guys, and they go with the
Lawful-Good and Lawful-Neutral alignments, because they do what is right no
matter what, and they rise to the occasion to save whatever is in danger!
But like
I said, the D&D-style alignment is not the only defining piece of the
superhero puzzle. What about skills and
talents?
Abilities: Can YOU Shoot LAZORS Out of Your Eyes?
There's
an old joke by Boris Hamilton about how there are medical procedures that can
improve your eyesight with the use of lasers.
Basically it's along the lines of "You know, I've been wearing
glasses for a long time and they (whoever they are) said that there is a
procedure where doctors could shine lasers into your eyes and then you don't
have to wear glasses anymore. I'm not
about to have lasers go
into my eyes, but if there's a
procedure to where I could get lasers to
come out of my eyes, I'll be the
first in line!" WHO WOULDN'T?!?!
You see,
superpowers (that isn't anything along the lines of anthropomorphizing animals
like Scooby-Doo, Underdog and Mighty Mouse) are a part of being superheroes. Basically any sort of supernatural ability
(super anything, like strength, speed, eyesight, hormones! And abilities that aren't actually typical,
like having wings, flying, laser eyes, laser BRAINS [which need to be
laser-pointer toys that are produced and sold by ThinkGeek], invisibility,
shapeshifting, telekinesis, telepathy, etc.) can make someone into a superhero
in addition to a positive alignment. But
wait, it gets even better: Superheroes
can even use devices that have supernatural (or super-scientific) abilities,
like Green Lantern's ring, Iron Man's armor, or Thor's Mjolnir and they'll
still be superheroes!
But
let's back up to Batman and make one thing clear: He might not have
powers,
but he
still maintains superhero status!!!!! You see, according to Wikipedia (Crap, now
I'm
citing it! Oh, well; it's general
info….), "Unlike most superheroes he does not possess any superpowers; he
makes use of intellect, detective skills, science and technology, wealth,
physical prowess, martial arts skills, an indomitable will, fear, and
intimidation in his war on crime."
Not to mention that he hangs out with Superman and Wonder Woman in the
Justice League, and their superhero status could just rub off onto him. But just because you're not super-powered
doesn't make you NOT a superhero and Batman repeatedly proves that.
Anyways,
there are other ways to be a superhero, like through the transformation origin
story that provide unusual results that are used to fight evil in the end:
Bruce Banner gets exposed to gamma radiation, causing him to mutate a bit so
that anytime his heart rate and adrenaline levels spike, he turns into this
giant super strong green rage monster (which is really a personified boner
according to Big C); Tony Stark, weapons entrepreneur and the Marvelverse Bruce
Wayne, gets hurt badly while being kidnapped and had to replace his heart with
a power core in order to live, through which he powers his super-suit
exoskeleton. And if you dare say that
aliens can't be superheroes, goddammit, ARE YOU RACIST AGAINST ALIENS?!?!?! Seriously, the only way racism (including
racism towards extraterrestrials) can go away is to IGNORE ALL RACE!!! Seriously, Superman (aka Kal-El, displaced
refugee from the planet Krypton) is a superhero—THAT'S A GIVEN! As for Thor, an Asgardian (which is really
more of an alien race at this rate, and not supernatural), saved Earth and the
human race with his alien-tech weapon! THEY'RE
SUPERHEROES! They can do super things
ordinary humans cannot do in order to save the day! But on the other hand, there's the Doctor, a
Gallifreyan humanoid alien (a Time Lord, if you want to get technical) who can
travel through all of time and space and use a sonic screwdriver like no
fucker's business, and save the day! He
doesn't WANT to save the day, but he HAS to!
He'd rather go on vacation than stop some misguided human from using
evil alien technology that will destroy the planet Earth, yet he still does it
anyways because he knows it's the right thing to do! He's still a hero! Just don't not call him a superhero
because he's an alien with alien tech!
(Racist again! Of course, I'm
also saying DON'T call him a superhero because that also doesn't gibe with the
Chaotic-Good alignment he's got. He's a
hero, with extraterrestrial abilities and tech, who protects Terrans!)
But
these two things (alignment and abilities) aren't the only ingredients to the
superhero sandwich you wish to examine.
We've got more to consider….
Appearance: Why It's Cool to Wear Your Underwear on the
Outside and Accessorize With a Cape
In our
world, appearance is everything. That's
why the fashion industry is so huge in our society: people want to dress up in
certain kinds of clothing in order to look rich, famous, like they're part of the
"trendy in-crowd" who can get awesome jobs and extra houses and cars and
yachts and stuff just because they "look good"! To be honest,
I don't care about the
trends; I only use trends I actually agree with, and I try to go more for the
functional part of fashion, rather than the "fashionable" part. Seriously, skinny jeans, footless leggings,
Ugg boots, pajama pants, year-round flip flops, and raggedy men's exercise
shirts that have arm holes the size of my thighs are undoubtedly non-functional
and unfashionable to me. Translation: "UG-LY! Go put on real clothing, dammit! Because I want to destroy you with my laser
brain and super hormones for
wearing that!"
But
having a costume and an identity is another part of the whole superhero soup:
who in their right mind would ever instinctively support some random nerdy
party-going former TV host fat guy named Peter Smithwycke who wears khakis and
a grease-stained t-shirt with raggedy sneakers on his feet, or some other guy
who calls himself Red Napoleon (the name of my Voltaire cover band) and sports
the Goth ensemble to fight an alien invasion that so far did not follow the
United Nations' binders full of plans that deal with responding to a predetermined
course of First Contact? Captain
America's outfit and Superman's costume are easily identifiable and associable
with the hero who people, in general believe, can save them from whatever
villain threatens their lives or lifestyle; it's a brand, like any sort of
image that corporations would use as identification in the world. It also gives them a "secret
identity" that Tony Stark is obviously not following the code
of, something that would protect them from having someone go after them for the
purpose of "ruining" them, by threatening their life outside of their
superhero career, threatening their loved ones, and so on and so forth. It's like my names on the Internets: Eden
Pyrithea or LadyEden1337 aren't my real names, but rather aliases I use to
protect my real identity because I was raised to be paranoid thanks to my
loving overprotective paranoid parents.
Only a select few know my real name.
And I am happy that they know who I am, because I trust them.
Anyways,
we've got three out of the four parts that make up being a superhero. By this point, you're probably like,
"Okay, wrap it up! I've got videos
of cats being cute and people being hit in the nuts to get back to
watching! You've confirmed what I
believe makes up a superhero! Just wrap
it up and gimme my fucking hilarious Lolcat picture that you always tack on at
the end that ties into the theme of the blog post!" But you forget: there's one more part of
superheroism that is crucial for your typical superhero to continue to exist:
the SUPER VILLAIN and his minions!
Arch-Nemesis: Super Villains Exist Too
(Yes, I
named almost every single section in this blog entry with a word that starts
with A. Why not?!)
"The more successful the
villain, the more successful the picture."
—Alfred
Hitchcock
"Who is to say who is the
villain and who is the hero? Probably
the dictionary."
—Joss
Whedon
"Villains are much more
proactive than heroes. Heroes, by their
nature, are purely reactionary forces.
The villain is, in all ways, an agent of change. A catalyst."
—Black
Mage from 8-Bit Theater
In case
you haven't gathered this from the quotes I listed, having an antagonist such
as a villain or an arch-nemesis or even a super villain is essential (but not
mandatory) to any superhero's existence.
Without the super villain, why would the superhero exist? There's no Superman without Luthor, there's no
Batman without the Joker and the Penguin and the Riddler, there is no Ceiling
Cat without Basement Cat, there is no Sherlock Holmes without Jim Moriarty
(unless you're into a JimLock roleplaying ship on Twitter, courtesy of Mark
Gatiss's writing of "The Empty Hearse"; seriously, that idea gives me
goosebumps), "There is no Thor without Loki," as Tom Hiddleston once
shared during his Nerdist podcast episode while discussing the possibility of a
Loki movie with host Chris Hardwick.
Sure,
there might be some petty criminals in the world who need to be slapped in the
face and nagged to near death by my friend Jesse's superhero, Captain Naggy,
but it would provide for a boring existence!
Heroes, in addition to superheroes, need some sort of challenge that
overarches across every story; without villains, life would get boring fairly
quickly with the press appearances, the interviews, the circus-like displays of
his abilities, anything Metro Man would do in between each of his nemesis
Megamind's attempts to defeat him and take over Metro City; it's in the movie Megamind, with Will Farrell's
voice! It's a pretty good movie; I
suggest you watch it!
Anyways,
there's always going to be a super villain to balance out the existence of the
superhero; otherwise, it's just an egocentric press circus that will get dull
very quickly. I mean, why did Indiana
Jones have to go into perilous situations to retrieve artifacts? To keep the Nazis from getting them! Why did Captain America go into a Hydra
factory sort of base camp? So he can
rescue 400 men, including his own best friend Bucky, from Herr Schmidt aka Red
Skull. What would happen if Thor and
Loki got along pretty well? NOTHING
WOULD HAPPEN!!!!
Let's
face it: Evil geniuses are necessary so that the not-so-evil geniuses would
face off against them and defeat them in a battle of wits and science and
MWA-HA-HA-ing. It's all about
balance! That's what the Tao-ist
yin-yang symbol is all about: balance.
That's what Sir Isaac Newton's Third Law is describing: "For every
action (force), there is an equal and opposite reaction (force)." For without balance, the multiverse will be
uneven and anything and everything (including motherfucking universal
meta-badass Chuck Norris) will plunge into the jaws of CHAOS AND DISSOLUTION!!!
*pant,
pant* I hope that covers it because I've
already stayed up all night after sleeping all day this past Sunday, and after drafting this blog post, I'm ready to nap! (Yes, once again, I'm screwing up my
circadian rhythm. Someone help me fix it
please!) In any case, I hope to every
deity out there that this clears up the "what makes a superhero?"
air; it's important to learn and understand ideas such as this so that we may
correctly identify who IS a superhero and who is JUST a hero and who is NOT a
superhero. I tried to be as objective as
possible with examples, so that we can apply the listed traits to the character
to see how they measure up. I also plan
on publishing another blog post very soon; this one is a GUEST ENTRY, by my
good friend Jesse Graves (a.k.a. Captain Naggy) and I hope it's a lot more
comprehensive than this one. I sure
enjoyed providing my input on this nerdy topic, but now I must sleep some.
"Duct tape is like the force: there is a light side,
a dark side and it holds the universe together."
—Anonymous source
Enjoy your tacquito.
And your Lolcat picture, which is really more of an adorable pug gif pic!—WASN'T IT WORTH IT?!?!
