An Honest Letter to Myself (KLEENEX ALERT!)

Apologies for the long absence. Life happened. It usually does. Not to mention that the evil Writer's Block just stopped me for a few months…..I couldn't figure out ANYTHING to write about. So, I guess I owe you a brief update: attended the Pennsylvania Autism Training Conference again, selling two paintings (only it was Mom who sold them—thanks, Mama Squirrel!); walked an entire 5K color run/walk event; still working on getting my shit together; ran out of ADD meds, but did a fasting blood test so I can get more; having weird dreams due to the absence of the ADD meds, etc.

From LifeHack Quotes

This time around, I have decided to publish a blog post where I could be more honest to everyone (including myself), to a degree (since the Interwebs is full of creeps and criminals, in addition to the awesome, nice people online). And I've decided, after some consideration, to write a letter addressed to myself, which I know is already bringing me to tears; it's hard to be raw and real in an environment populated with trolls and cyberbullies, and I've become far too cautious for that, but I've decided to just answer Yoda's "Do or Do Not" lesson by choosing "Do," and even go so far as publishing it, regardless of the reactions readers may have. This isn't just for you—it's for me.

Oh, what theme song? Just pick something sad-ish, like, sad and honest with yourself and realizing truths about your life or something to chillax to. It could be "Leave Out All the Rest," "From the Inside," or "Waiting for the End," by Linkin Park, the Deadmau5 remix of Calvin Harris' "I'm Not Alone," or Joel's originals such as "Avaritia" or "I Remember," Everlast's "What It's Like," or CoMa's "Something In the Way." (I apologize for the images on that last one!) Of course, having typed all this, I realize that not only did I give too many suggestions, but I also don't feel like going back to edit it right now. You know what? Fuck it—just play something from Nigel John Stanford, like, "Crystal Skies."

Anyways, make sure to have tissues ready, because things are about to get more real and more honest than they have been so far on the Interwebs! (Hence, the "KLEENEX ALERT!")

No, it's not a gimmick: I really did have a hard time typing this up. But it's worth it.

Disclaimer: I'm NOT suicidal, and I have NO intentions or plans to hurt myself, okay? Please. I don't want people to freak out over this. I'll be okay, as long as I get the help I need.

---

Dearest Eden,

Hey. It's you. Well, actually it's yourself, the part of you who wants to live a happy and fulfilling life.

Why are we writing a letter to ourselves? Because it's time to do away with the jokes for a while and address what's been going on within ourselves for a long time now. We need to talk.

I know what we've been feeling, lately. Yes, we're lonely, we're incurably sad, and we don't want to grow up or for things to change. But why is that? Why are we torturing ourselves emotionally by thinking, "Why can't I just be a four-year old again?" Is it because we deserve this masochism of the mind? Or is it that we secretly want to fall down that metaphorical sinkhole we've been running from for a few weeks now?

I can tell you right now that, yes, life is hard. It's difficult, and for us, unless we're distracted (and especially off the medications), it feels incredibly lonely. It's hard to remember that we have friends and family who want to help us, despite the voice inside of our head saying that nothing will work and nobody can help.

Perhaps it's a bit too much pride and egotism that prevents us from asking for help easily.

Or perhaps we're really just scared of change in life.

Yes, change can suck. But it's the metabolism of life on Earth. Some changes are bad (deforestation, changes in policy that allow politicians to be bought by corporations, global warming, political shifts in the Middle East giving rise to a group of militants who know how to really hurt us from the inside, etc.). But why get sad at the good changes, too? Is it because we've become too comfortable with the way things were before the change? Why is that?

I actually don't have an answer for that question.

Try as we might, it's incredibly hard for us to live happily. We live with depression (and its bedfellow, anxiety), which we fear is getting worse, whether it's because we were medicating irregularly, or that it's truly, independently getting worse, making us feel unstable in life.

Remember that post on Hyperbole-And-A-Half, about the time Allie Brosh was struggling with her depression to the point where just feeling any emotions is horribly terrifying and painful? And that she wound up ditching her emotions for "robot mode"? And this led to the feelings of not wanting to live anymore? We can't allow this to happen to ourselves. We have reasons to live, whether it's a temporary noble reason (raising awareness and paving the way towards acceptance of neurodiversity) or a temporary petty one (Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess, releasing her second book, which should be just as hilarious as her first one). We can't give up on ourselves and just check in to the mental hospital and go, "Help me feel as though I can be happy again without feeling my heart break for myself!"

It's too terrifying to even go that far, even if it means that we wind up getting outpatient psychiatric care due to our ex-psychiatrist not being helpful with insurance bullshit. (Seriously, this area that we live in is the worst in the State for mental health service availability; local health networks don't do outpatient psychiatric services unless we get admitted to the hospital for mental health reasons, which we really don't want to happen!)

Life is amazing and beautiful and something to be witnessed. We shouldn't scare ourselves with the negatives that lurk within the Deep Web, like Cthulhu being held in the deepest and darkest depths of the sea, waiting to be released to cause chaos and world destruction. Instead, we should figure out a way to either get the fuck away from the metaphorical sinkhole of despair, or just stop it entirely.

As much as it hurts, just talk to Mom and Dad about it. Or your sister; they'll understand that you're feeling hurt inside, and that you want it to stop but are scared to do so.

They're walking similar paths to yours, and they can't help you unless you tell them, unless we muster up the courage to just say the following four words:

Please--I need help.

It will all be worth it, because we are worth it.

I love you, Eden, and I want us to feel better.

Forever yourself,

Eden

A Weird Conversation Between Myself and My Depression/Anxiety (An Update)

       Hi, y'all!  Sorry for failing to post for so long....  I've been nuts as of lately.  How?  Like this:

Me: *Looks around*  "Dammit!  I've fucked up and now it's time to fix everything.  No more extremely slow downward spiral for me!" *cracks knuckles*

My Depression/Anxiety: *Perks eyebrow*  "Really?  Are you sure you want to do that?"

Me: "Yes, motherfuckers!  My brain isn't some place where you can camp out and run self-destructive programming for free!  I'm tired of sleeping all day, not taking my pills--which can make me sick--and not being productive!  I have stuff I need to do!"

D/A: "Uh, no, you don't!  You have other stuff that's more fun!  Besides, chores and responsibility are boring and lame; you'll be boring and lame if you do them, and they're not fun in an ironic sense!"

Me: "LIESSSS!!!  I have dishes to do, a living room to clean up, a bathroom to scrub clean....  I have to start now!"

D/A: "No, your inner Lazy Dalek says that you can do it later, following it up with repeated chanting of 'PROCRASTINATE!  PROCRASTINATE!'  Plus, isn't it lonely?  You don't have many fr--"

Me: "SILENCE!  I shall be productive today!  Not later--TODAY!!!"

D/A: "Crap!  Uh, uh....!  Hey, Attention Deficit Disorder!  A little help here?"

ADD: "Hey, look!  SHINY!  *points*"

Me:  "OOOOHHH!  SHINY!  *scamper-chases*"

D/A:  "TROLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!"

That's a sort-of typical conversation that led to me to a lot of unmedicated days of sleeping, nights staying up until 6 am EDT, and not even following through on plans that can help me be Pro-Eden.

Pro-WAAAAAAAT?

      Yeps.  Pro-Eden, meaning helping me make positive changes towards my life.  How come?  Go listen to the Pro You Podcast on the Nerdist Podcast Network!  Episode I, Inertia--the Real Phantom Menace, should explain everything, and help you start on your way towards better awareness, and, ultimately, a better lifestyle.

      It's because of this podcast that I've decided to get going  with my climb up Mt. Molehill; I've even gone so far as to not refer to workouts as "workouts," but as "Pro You Moments".  I've been tweeting with their Twitter account, and been giving updates with my progress.  Here's a couple of the latest ones that I sent them recently (before this blog post):

I just took initiative to have another #ProYouMoment: checked out Planet Fitness for a possible gym membership! #EVALUATE @proyoupodcast
— Lady Eden Pyrithea (@LadyEden1337) April 28, 2015

Just to report in: had another #ProYouMoment! Just signed up for membership at Planet Fitness. Meeting with someone tomorrow! @proyoupodcast
— Lady Eden Pyrithea (@LadyEden1337) April 29, 2015

Seriously, this podcast is awesome, especially after all the talking is done, when Tom (one of the hosts) gives you a chillaxing Pro You Moment, where you can meditate with food for thought.

Beyond that, some other stuff happened, which I will update in another blog post, one that I'll publish once I've stopped yanking my hair out over Artist's Block, aaand, for the most part, being like this:

In any case, be consistent (especially with medications), be aware, and ENJOY YOUR TACQUITO!!!!

A Second Existential Crisis: The Scary Question About the Human Race

            Yeah!  A new blog post!  Wanna think about it?  Try my Psybient Chillscape playlist that is a couple of days and a few minutes long in total playtime!  Chillax a ton!  Expand your consciousness!  Huh?  Oh, no, wait, it's a blog post, not an acid trip.

            Just recently, I've had another bit of existential angst on the scale of the human species.  It's not that it's a bad thing, it's something that probably everyone should think deeply about, while they do repetitive boring tasks or are spending time by themselves doing nothing that will risk their lives (like operating machinery or driving or patrolling for trouble if you're one of the cops out there).  Say, perhaps 5 minutes at a time on your smoke breaks.  That should work….

Cue the Imperial March—HEAVY METAL STYLE!……

             Anyways, this has only popped up in my head during a shower a few weeks ago on Monday evening (on February 9th, 2015).  It was like my brain just decided to open up a corner of my mind I prefer not to frolic through, mostly because it's a bit too dark.  And from that corner in all of her Sith glory emerged Darth Eden, the dark side of my humanity that I insist on suppressing.  And it was not a good thing at all; in fact, this is proof that I should medicate more often, to prevent Darth Eden from ever even seeing the light of day, or night, or evening, or whatever time I arise from my comatose sleep; she can still exist, but she shouldn't ever take an active role in my life because I want to be a good person.  Anyways, with Darth selves come dark questions, and this moment was no exception: Darth Eden just emerged while I was shampooing my hair and, simultaneously, pondering the validity of the moral and ethical conflicts that arise from deciding who should die—the chimpanzee or the little person being attacked by said chimpanzee.  ("Schwaaaaaaaa?  Where did THIS come from?!"  Listen to Nerdist Podcast episode #130,"Penn and Teller."  The link for the impatient ones is also available.)  And without skipping a beat, while I decided to try and drop the mental dilemma, Darth Eden asked with evil eyes aglow, "Why should the human race as a whole exist the way it is now? With all its faults and issues and the conflicts that we currently have?"

            That frightened me so much that I just HAD to reach out to my friends and my tweeps.  And it also helped to remind me that they are simply awesome weirdos just like me who totally get me!  So, major POINTS(!) to them!

The Questions of a Young Padawan to Jedi Master Leonidas

            First, let's start with a response from my friend Jesse, who I absolutely SWEAR is the Jedi Master version of Leonidas!  He was wise, he totally understood where I was coming from, and he's a Spartan!  Really!  (Ever heard of the Spartan Race?  I think that once I become a ninja Jedi, I should run in it!  *adds to list of currently unlikely dreams*)  His responses were really insightful and what's also interesting is that he thought that my question was so good that he shared the conversation on Facebook:

A friend of mine, Eden Pyrithea, asked me a question that had come to her mind, and its a good one, and we had a conversation about it and i thought i should post it here because i do believe every word i said to her"Should we humans, as a whole, exist the way we are?"i thought about my answer for a while before responding, "No, we should exist and work daily to improve ourselves and the universe around us. Simple acts can lead to mighty changes. Go speak at a town meeting on views that you believe in, volunteer at a soup kitchen to help those less fortunate then you and make the world, and the universe a better place""Huh. What about the general current human state There are evil people who live inside of the lies they spread." was her next question"They only exist in power because we allow them to. So by beginning a small movement that can then become a large movement you can resist them, a perfect example would be Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and his dream.""But they carry influence like we carry mass.""Only because we allow them to. I think a time will come, and sooner than some think, that we as a people will rise above things like hate and greed to become the utopia Gene Roddenberry believed we could"and yes i do believe we could be as great as The Great Bird of the Galaxy thought we could be, but its up to us to start finding small ways to help each other. Like my thoughts or not, but i will stand by them to the end.

            He's right, though it does seem a little frustrating.  There are so many good people in the world, but there are all these larger-than-myself issues such as war and ISIS and the anti-vaccine bullcrap (as well as the anti-autism fears people have related to it) and us having a really corrupt Congress (and possibly POTUS if the antichrist twins Koch brothers succeed in buying the election) that, despite each drop into the bucket of liquid influence causing a small ripple, I just want to kick the whole bucket over, spilling its contents, shaking up everything to the point where people can finally figure out what really works and helps everyone vs. what doesn't.  But maybe once I start attending town hall meetings and speaking out on issues that I'm passionate about, my drops of influence could become rocks that get bigger and bigger.  I should become more patient.  And I probably shouldn't be so impatient; as Mahatma Ghandi once said:

"Be the change you want to see in the world."

            Perhaps maybe the world could change quicker and for the better if we work together….

Into the Twitterverse: When You've Found "YOUR TWEEPLE"!

             Another good friend could be one you have met online through Twitter.  Fellow Nerd @LisaR_M (who is actually a hardcore Chris Hardwick fan, but not to the groupie level that @DiHard11 is at) was able to provide some insight of her own.  Here is her series of tweets that helped me onto the path of personal enlightenment:

@LadyEden1337 What are you thinking about that’s scary? Murdering somebody? Committing the unpardonable sin? Doing something perverted?
— Lisa Moore (@LisaR_M) February 10, 2015

@LadyEden1337 Ah, big picture existential angst. That’s a “Let go and let God” situation. Or insert whatever your higher power is.
— Lisa Moore (@LisaR_M) February 10, 2015

@LadyEden1337 All of life is a paradox. It’s always a take the good with the bad situation. There can never be perfect people.
— Lisa Moore (@LisaR_M) February 10, 2015

@LadyEden1337 And you have to watch your ego. It’s tempting to think you know what’s best for everyone but you’re not omniscient
— Lisa Moore (@LisaR_M) February 10, 2015

@LadyEden1337 The issue you're having with the bullshitters is a clashing of egos. Instead of judging them try to learn from them.
— Lisa Moore (@LisaR_M) February 10, 2015

@LadyEden1337 :) I’ve thought a lot about this stuff. It’s exhausting sometimes that's why I avoid politics & try to let it go.
— Lisa Moore (@LisaR_M) February 10, 2015

            I was able to take to heart the "ego check" one, because sometimes, when you're on the Autism Spectrum, you don't always think of the world through a perspective outside of your own.  This (in my case, especially) often leads to moments where you feel as though you have all the answers!  ALL OF THEM!  Including the Answer to Life , the Universe and Everything!  (That one is easy to obtain; just read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and ask, "What is 6 times 7?")

            It does get frustrating at times, and she's right: we shouldn't think that way.  Even if you're not on the Spectrum, if you're just a nerd, it's still the same principle.  Chris Hardwick has already pointed this out on page 105 in a subsection titled "The Third Reaction" in his book The Nerdist Way, saying, "Nerds know they're smarty-pantses—in fact, it's part of how they define themselves, so sometimes we come from a place of 'everyone is stupid but me.'  This is shitty and wrong.  It also leads to spontaneous emotional reactions to situations rather than calm, well-thought-out ones."  So, as a member of this community of differently-wired persons, we should work on understanding what makes sense to other people, instead of dismissing it as "utter crap".  In fact, that's what I'm adding to my XP goal chart: "Understanding and Communication," because I know that once I understand where my debate opponents (like the anti-vaccine….. *struggling* people) are coming from, I can communicate my way around their defenses to see if I can help them open up to (at the very LEAST) healthy discussions that are highly educational for both sides of an issue.  This is also made difficult because everyone understands something their own way and are often convinced that they know the "truth" behind certain topics; and everyone living their life as a story, and they are the hero of it, regardless of whether other people regard them as heroes or villains.

            (Small parenthetical paragraph note: Another great way to help people get a better understanding of Autistic Spectrum Disorders is to talk to us!!!!  So often are we excluded from the conversation that I'm sure there is misinformation out there, provided by people who are thought to be the voices of the "autistic people," when they're not really speaking for us, but rather for themselves.  Yes, this includes Autism Speaks; they don't really pay attention to what we're figuratively saying.  Just talk to us or ask us about ASDs and living independently!  We can answer questions!  Either tweet to me or to @chromesthesia; we can give you insight!)

            So, as I was saying, I was given pearls of wisdom that I'll be fashioning into Earrings of +20 Wisdom, thanks to my friends.  And it has led me to perhaps what the goal would be for the world.

My Hopes for the World in Commercials

            This discussion about humanity has led me to having hope for the future of the human race; it's not a very big anti-vampire spotlight of hope, because it's a lot of work to set forth a giant tidal wave of change.  But now that I typed that sentence, I am realizing that I shouldn't work on creating a tidal wave, but rather just create my own small waves that will erode at this rock of evil that I see before me.  And I can do it similarly to this commercialfrom Liberty Mutual:

One way to start, just hold the door open for the person entering or exiting the building you're entering or exiting from, or keeping to the sides of the grocery aisles, shopping cart and all.

            Maybe once that gets going, we can live life like these adorable animals in this Android commercial that has been making the rounds of the advertsphere:

In any case, I should enjoy what I can, taking the good stuff to heart and cherishing it emotionally while leading the bad stuff to my mental laboratory to analyze it, determine if it's an endeavour to take on with the experience I have or to pass on it, buying more time to learn about the issue that is staring at everyone in the face.

            (And can I point out that we have a time limit here?  I mean, come on!  Asteroid Apophisis coming!  TICK-TOCK TICK-TOCK!!!)

            In any case, I hope you agree with me on this and have decided to join me on this journey towards world improvement.  And to make the journey more enjoyable, why don't we ride a burrito boat?  JUST BECAUSE!  Heehee!  In the meantime, enjoy your mindful tacquito!