A Little Bit of Loneliness, A Little Bit of Disregard

        Hi, y’all!  Sorry I was silent for so long….  I just never really had anything to talk about prior to now (or the time to write about it thanks to my very crazy schedule).  Brief update: I’ve had issues, I’ve had progress, I’ve had fun.  But now’s not the time for the “here’s how my life is” stuff…..  There’s something far more important, and far more personal, to talk about, a topic I’m struggling to write articles about for a project I want to put together to change how people perceive it……

FYI, this post is basically addressing the "Autism martyr" parents of the Interwebs that I frequently run into in the comments sections of certain articles. So if you're not one of these "my child is suffering! We must cure them of their autism!"-shouting parents, please don't take it personally; it's just a message and it was way easier than typing in the third-person perspective. So the "you" doesn't apply to everyone.

This post’s theme songs are all by Linkin Park: Faint, By_myslf, Castle of Glass, Somewhere I Belong, and Nth th End.  (Basically, these are all songs I felt express my frustrations towards the neurotypical people who act like they are supporting us, but are actually supporting causes that make them feel better about us.)

Don't Shut Me Up!

“[I am] A little bit of loneliness 

A little bit of disregard 

Handful of complaints but I can’t help the fact 

That everyone can see these scars 

[I am] What I want you to want 

What I want you to feel 

But it’s like no matter what I do 

I can’t convince you 

To just believe this is real 

[So I] Let go 

Watching you 

Turn your back like you always do 

Face away and pretend that I’m not 

But I’ll be here ‘cause you’re all that I’ve got.”  

--Verse 1 (Mike Shinoda) of “Faint” by Linkin Park

It’s frustrating to be in my position sometimes, when I try to navigate the Interwebs and come across an article about how “Autism is debilitating,” and that “such-and-such groups and corporations are funding research into the causes in the hopes of curing Autism,” and that “parents struggle with their child’s violent outbursts.”  Of course, once I peek into the comments sections of these articles, I see so many commenters repeat themselves in a variety of ways with the same ideas, over and over….. “Vaccines cause autism!  Here’s a link to this site I trust more than the CDC’s web site!” and “Hey, the gluten-free diet helped so much that my child doesn’t have autism anymore!” and even negative comments from idiot trolls calling people on the Autism Spectrum (people like me) the r-word and making claims that because of (the oft-repeated not-at-all true claims of) our “lack of empathy,” we would become killers that shoot up schools.

Source: deviantArt

It’s even worse when I try to say something, because there is always going to be people who not only agree with me, but more often than not, people who say that I’m wrong, that I’m “not an expert” and that I have “no clue what these parents are going through,” and should therefore, “get off the internet and let the parents of ‘severely affected children’ do the talking.”  Yes, I have received those comments before, here, here and even here!  And they piss me off every time!

I know what they’re doing: they don’t want me to speak up and prove these neurotypicals (NTs) wrong, that people on the Spectrum are okay, that we do have difficulties but with the right supports, can have an actual future and function independently, that despite all the talking about how parents “know more than the doctors about what it means to live with autism,” that I’m a member of a the population that has true first-hand experience of living with an Autistic Spectrum Disorder DIFForder (ASD).

I have a few questions, and the most important one is “WHAT THE FUCK?!  Why are you ignoring us?  Why won’t you shut up for a few minutes and give the microphone to the people you need to listen to--US?!?!”  Sure, it’s three questions in one, but at least the point is made….

“[I am] A little bit insecure 

A little unconfident 

But you don’t understand 

I do what I can 

And sometimes I don’t make sense 

[I am] What you never want to say 

But I’ve never had to doubt 

It’s like no matter what I do 

I can’t convince you 

For once just to hear me out 

[So I] Let go 

Watching you 

Turn your back like you always do 

Face away and pretend that I’m not 

But I’ll be here ‘cause you’re all that I’ve got.”

 --Verse 2 (Mike Shinoda) of “Faint” by Linkin Park

Yes, there are all of these groups that want to raise awareness of Autism--but they’re doing it all wrong.  Basically, the same message is there--“Autism is an evil disease that ruins lives and makes our sons and daughters less than human, and therefore, rob us of the life we wanted originally: a normal life just like everybody else, without Autism and its difficulties.”

See how insulting that is?  (Many people out there may be going, “Hey, you’re exaggerating!  We’ve never said that!” But you still did--we don’t always read “between the lines,” but when you talk about us, it’s like, we’re the “angry” gorilla in the room who doesn't care what you say!)  Yeah, we may not look like we’re listening, but we still are, despite not looking at the people talking.  (It’s basic knowledge: we don’t listen with our eyes!!!!  Unless there’s lipreading or sign language involved……)

I want to make a few things clear here: we are human beings, we are neurologically different from you, and this world you NTs have built for yourself is baffling and difficult for us to navigate.

It’s time to shut up and listen to us……  Here’s my side of the situation…..

“How’s the Advocacy Going?” “Well….”

I’m angry as hell. I’m furious, I’m frustrated, I’m enraged…..  So often, NTs want to be heard, and are willing to figuratively “talk” over everyone else, including their own sons and daughters, to have their concerns and fears be received by the community.  They fail to realize that they’re trivializing us in doing so.

Source: deviantArt

Which is why I ask you “martyr” parents of Autistic people, who violate our privacy by posting videos of our meltdowns and complain about how we’re throwing tantrums “all the time”, despite our being in a vulnerable emotional state; who ignore our cries for help or misinterpret them as whining-due-to-our-not-having-things-our-way despite the fact that shrieking, crying, screaming, etc., is the most basic and primal forms of communication that we’ve inherited from the apes (providing that you believe in evolution; if you’re a hardcore Creationist, listen up: GOD MADE US THIS WAY!  Okay?); who force us to act like everyone else despite our need for self-stimulation (stimming) that includes hand-flapping and rocking back and forth, our need for an environment that doesn’t make us experience sensory overload (which is terrifying, in case you’re wondering), our inability to blend in no matter how much you want or even train us to; who don’t want to be ashamed over having an autistic child, thanks to all the stigma that society attaches to being disabled--Who has more experience with Autism: you or us?

This hurts us more than it helps. However, parents, please don’t be dismissive.  I want you to know that you are our partners who help us navigate the world we both share, our protectors, and our guides to that world that confuses us.  We do need you to be there for us, to be supportive of our talents, our interests (despite how narrow they can be), our dreams and desires (despite how invisible they are to you, who can’t seem to see past the external behaviors that allow us to process the world that we experience).

Yes, this is mine....

You might be saying, "You can't speak for everyone! Your to mild and high-functioning!" One--UGGGHHHHH!!!!!! In this case, it's "you're" not "your", and too, not "to". Two--the functioning polarity (which is what I call it) is complete bull and does not represent the true nature of the Autism Spectrum. And three--You might assume that I don't have struggles, but the reality is that I do struggle with certain things, including social cues. I can’t tell you how often that I’ve embarrassed myself for not knowing the subtle messages of “No, thanks,” or “Please leave me alone,” or even “You’re too annoying, go away.”  And these messages do hurt, but it hurts more when these messages are there and I can’t even pick up on them; after all, if it isn’t said, it isn’t being said, riiiiight?  According to the ways I’ve had to learn them, HELL NO!  It’s as if hinting way too subtly was way more acceptable than explaining in a straightforward manner that you don’t want me to contact you so often, or hang around as a friend, or even be nice to you in a way that I thought you’d appreciate.  Nooooo, it’s way more “acceptable” to just cut all ties without letting me know what I was doing wrong, without giving me a chance to learn and change my ways so I can be better at being a friend or coworker or classmate or neighbor!

Also mine....

I do have troubles.  I do have problems, but they’re not all that visible to you--I have depression, anxiety, and even ADD.  And these co-occurring disabilities (Doctors say “co-morbid”, but that’s too negative; I prefer the more neutral term “co-occurring”.) are what I’m struggling with more, rather than my Asperger’s itself--and it all wears me the hell out!  The anxiety is actually causing so much tension that I’m just craving Massage Therapy to undo all the knots I have lurking in my back. (I’m not kidding!  I get knots too!  First time I got a massage from a friend who took classes, he found three knots. Second time, it was four!  So, really, it was frustrating to feel tight in my back after having such great sleep!  I bet I have seven knots lurking about at this point!)

Each of us experience anxiety, and probably depression; some of us have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) due to the amount of bullying we’re subjected to during childhood (and sometimes not even bullying--there’s a lot of other stressful points that we experience as traumatic).  We have co-occuring conditions that have symptoms that either mask the ASD or even are mistaken for ASD.  And people fail to realize that we’re a population as well, and that in every group, there are good people and bad people.  And yet, what we experience gets trivialized by the neurotypicals (NTs; people without autism, in other words) because we “can’t possibly feel _________” or “know what it means to _________”.  Because we’re autistic.  And they’re not.

From quickmeme, because FUCK YES!!!

But how would they know?  How would NTs who trivialize what we see, hear, feel, experience, think, etc., know what it’s like to be us?  We’re not lying!  And yes, we’re not looking you in the eyes either, because it’s too intense or painful or just plain hard for us to maintain that focus where we’re talking and aiming our eyes at yours!  We’d have to sacrifice an amount of RAM to be able to appear normal while conversing with NTs who like to pretend to be intelligent or courteous by wasting time talking about things that we don’t value all that often or get confused by.  (Like, “Are you keeping up with the Kardashians?  Kim and Kanye did this the other day!”  My response would be, “I don’t fucking care what the Cardassians are doing!  They need to broker a peace treaty with the Bajorans already!”)  Ask us about the weather, and we’ll give you the forecast for the day, totally serious.  We don’t handle small talk well, we don’t have the programming for “social niceties” already installed (that costs extra for our model of “human being”), and we have a hard time distinguishing sarcasm from genuine expression, understanding the meaning behind idioms that are so ridiculous that we’d rather be straightforward by saying what we mean, and, finally, just navigating the script for social interaction is so hard for us that through painful trial and error over the years, there are those of us who have crafted a neurotypical “persona” (an act, really) to allow us to “pass” in a society that not only doesn’t understand us, but would fear us and ostracize, alienate and bully us for not “fitting in” and being “normal”.

And what really pisses me off is how many "martyr" parents just prophesy bleak futures for us!

The Dangers and Evils of Stereotypes and Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

In case you've forgotten, yes: we're a minority, and with every minority, there are stereotypes. The rich white (and sometimes orange) assholes (who are fulfilling the stereotype of rich white assholes) are applying stereotypes to everybody who is not part of their population, as part of their compartmentalized sorting system, categorizing each person with a box-shaped image of what springs to mind when this population is mentioned. They'd stereotype black people as "thugs who engage in crime, are dangerous, form gangs, and love watermelon, fried chicken, and hip hop!" and (lately) Muslims are "terrorists who are a danger to our country; they're always plotting something!" They also stereotype us: autistic people, who "can't do anything worthwhile, will never speak, will never use the toilet properly, won't be able to work or take care of themselves...." BLEH!!!!

(Does that sound familiar, anybody?)

From a google search....

Here's the issue here: stereotypes feed into self-fulfilling prophecies. Yes, it's the brain's way of simplifying things; in fact, your brain loves you......BUT.......it can be a real asshole at times. Some peoples brains are assholes more often than others, even; this is what happens with depression and anxiety (overly-simplified, of course, since we're keeping things super simple). But if you engage in self-fulfilling prophecies that are echoes of the "autistic individual" stereotype, then you're already doing damage before you do anything that you think would help them. It leads to giving up on opportunities that we could have taken to wow the world, to surprise the assholes, to......*Bill Nye voice* dare I say it...... CHANGE THE WORLD!!!!!

So, as soon as we hear, "She'll never be able to ___________," our hopes and dreams are tainted with your despair. It affects us greatly: "She'll never be able to get/hold down a job" leads to us believing that we'll never succeed in the job hunt, so why bother? "She'll never live on her own," leads us to being that 40-year old who still lives in their parents basements, trapped in low expectations land. It's a real effect that has major implications...... But we can learn; we are great at pattern recognition, so why not use that to our advantage? We see a pattern, we figure out what it means, and we apply it to life. "Getting a job means I get money which means I get to move out and have more freedoms!"

Basically, we’re a population of scholars, who learn as we go through life.  Our brains are so often on overdrive that it even keeps us awake late at night, running fast with the premium-level problem-solving programs to the point where we have a hard time getting a good night’s sleep.  And though we’re more visible, we’re not as audible to you.  Wasn’t there a line in Gregory Maguire's Wicked when there’s a poetry scene--one line goes “Animals should be seen and not heard.”  We’re not Animals (or animals, for that matter).  We’re not victims--so why are you treating us like that?  We don’t need your pity, just your support, patience and understanding (especially in the grocery stores; don’t block the aisles while looking at

the shelves!  Because I’m behind you, getting impatient!).  We crave routine and scheduled events happening when they happen, because the NT world is too chaotic and loud and bright and smelly and full of people who don’t get the concept of “personal space,” even while walking in the same direction as us.  (This last one perturbs me a lot; there would be people walking in the same direction as me having a conversation but they get too close behind me to the point where I could poke them with a metre-/yardstick, which is unnerving--mostly for survival self-defense reasons, like, “Why are you so close to me?  Do you want to hurt me?!”  This is why I let people pass in front of me, so I don’t get anxious.  Because anxious autistics/Aspies are unhappy autistics/Aspies.)

Source: Daily LOLcat blog

There are things that we do that don’t make sense to you, but it makes sense to us.  We’re not always right, but neither are you.  And we’re excellent at pattern recognition, and can be expressive in ways that aren’t always verbal.  You know, “picture’s worth a thousand words” and all that.  Perhaps there are members of our population who have thoughts and ideas too beautiful to be expressed verbally???

This is why it does not suit our needs and interests to be ignored.  Perhaps if you listened to us in whatever launguage we use (sign language, Morse code, written word, augmented communication, binary, etc), maybe you’ll be more enlightened to what does and doesn’t work, what hurts and what helps; we’re at the center of the meltdowns you so often complain about, so why not try to understand what has us red-lining explosively with all this pent-up stressful energy???  Why not connect with us through our narrow interests?  Why not just get to know us?

We’re more than what meets the visual, aural and tactile senses.

In Summary, With Additional Reading…..

I understand that you’re frustrated, exhausted, scared, confused, lost, and struggling to figure it all out, and I’m sorry you feel this way.  I want to help you and especially help your son(s) and/or daughter(s).  That’s why I’m offering insight, with the perspective of somone “on the inside”.  Yes, I am aware that when you meet one person with autism, you only meet one person with autism; I don’t have all the same problems as your son(s) and/or daughter(s), but I have experienced similar problems and situations, just like everyone else on the Spectrum.  So what worked for me might help your son(s) and/or daughter(s).

So, what do you say?  You ready to shine some light on the situation?  Or would you rather continue to keep us trapped in the darkness created by well-intentioned ignorance?

Additional recommended reading for more information:

• Jim Sinclair's "Don't Mourn For Us"
• [Growing Up Aspie] on Facebook
• A reply to an exhausted Autism Mom
• A curt reply to an anti-vaxxer
• An important article on tumblr...... (trigger warning: ableism and child abuse; also, NSFW language)
• The book NeuroTribes, by Steve Silberman--highly recommended!!!

         So, there you go.....  Some food for thought.  If you still disagree, then I'm sorry if I have not made myself more clear, or conveyed my message well enough.

Anyways, don't forget to VACCINATE!  Aaaand enjoy your tacquito!  (If you need me, I'm hiding in my bunker from all the drunk, insane tourists who are in the area for Musikfest.....)

Source: imgur

A Second Existential Crisis: The Scary Question About the Human Race

            Yeah!  A new blog post!  Wanna think about it?  Try my Psybient Chillscape playlist that is a couple of days and a few minutes long in total playtime!  Chillax a ton!  Expand your consciousness!  Huh?  Oh, no, wait, it's a blog post, not an acid trip.

            Just recently, I've had another bit of existential angst on the scale of the human species.  It's not that it's a bad thing, it's something that probably everyone should think deeply about, while they do repetitive boring tasks or are spending time by themselves doing nothing that will risk their lives (like operating machinery or driving or patrolling for trouble if you're one of the cops out there).  Say, perhaps 5 minutes at a time on your smoke breaks.  That should work….

Cue the Imperial March—HEAVY METAL STYLE!……

             Anyways, this has only popped up in my head during a shower a few weeks ago on Monday evening (on February 9th, 2015).  It was like my brain just decided to open up a corner of my mind I prefer not to frolic through, mostly because it's a bit too dark.  And from that corner in all of her Sith glory emerged Darth Eden, the dark side of my humanity that I insist on suppressing.  And it was not a good thing at all; in fact, this is proof that I should medicate more often, to prevent Darth Eden from ever even seeing the light of day, or night, or evening, or whatever time I arise from my comatose sleep; she can still exist, but she shouldn't ever take an active role in my life because I want to be a good person.  Anyways, with Darth selves come dark questions, and this moment was no exception: Darth Eden just emerged while I was shampooing my hair and, simultaneously, pondering the validity of the moral and ethical conflicts that arise from deciding who should die—the chimpanzee or the little person being attacked by said chimpanzee.  ("Schwaaaaaaaa?  Where did THIS come from?!"  Listen to Nerdist Podcast episode #130,"Penn and Teller."  The link for the impatient ones is also available.)  And without skipping a beat, while I decided to try and drop the mental dilemma, Darth Eden asked with evil eyes aglow, "Why should the human race as a whole exist the way it is now? With all its faults and issues and the conflicts that we currently have?"

            That frightened me so much that I just HAD to reach out to my friends and my tweeps.  And it also helped to remind me that they are simply awesome weirdos just like me who totally get me!  So, major POINTS(!) to them!

The Questions of a Young Padawan to Jedi Master Leonidas

            First, let's start with a response from my friend Jesse, who I absolutely SWEAR is the Jedi Master version of Leonidas!  He was wise, he totally understood where I was coming from, and he's a Spartan!  Really!  (Ever heard of the Spartan Race?  I think that once I become a ninja Jedi, I should run in it!  *adds to list of currently unlikely dreams*)  His responses were really insightful and what's also interesting is that he thought that my question was so good that he shared the conversation on Facebook:

A friend of mine, Eden Pyrithea, asked me a question that had come to her mind, and its a good one, and we had a conversation about it and i thought i should post it here because i do believe every word i said to her"Should we humans, as a whole, exist the way we are?"i thought about my answer for a while before responding, "No, we should exist and work daily to improve ourselves and the universe around us. Simple acts can lead to mighty changes. Go speak at a town meeting on views that you believe in, volunteer at a soup kitchen to help those less fortunate then you and make the world, and the universe a better place""Huh. What about the general current human state There are evil people who live inside of the lies they spread." was her next question"They only exist in power because we allow them to. So by beginning a small movement that can then become a large movement you can resist them, a perfect example would be Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and his dream.""But they carry influence like we carry mass.""Only because we allow them to. I think a time will come, and sooner than some think, that we as a people will rise above things like hate and greed to become the utopia Gene Roddenberry believed we could"and yes i do believe we could be as great as The Great Bird of the Galaxy thought we could be, but its up to us to start finding small ways to help each other. Like my thoughts or not, but i will stand by them to the end.

            He's right, though it does seem a little frustrating.  There are so many good people in the world, but there are all these larger-than-myself issues such as war and ISIS and the anti-vaccine bullcrap (as well as the anti-autism fears people have related to it) and us having a really corrupt Congress (and possibly POTUS if the antichrist twins Koch brothers succeed in buying the election) that, despite each drop into the bucket of liquid influence causing a small ripple, I just want to kick the whole bucket over, spilling its contents, shaking up everything to the point where people can finally figure out what really works and helps everyone vs. what doesn't.  But maybe once I start attending town hall meetings and speaking out on issues that I'm passionate about, my drops of influence could become rocks that get bigger and bigger.  I should become more patient.  And I probably shouldn't be so impatient; as Mahatma Ghandi once said:

"Be the change you want to see in the world."

            Perhaps maybe the world could change quicker and for the better if we work together….

Into the Twitterverse: When You've Found "YOUR TWEEPLE"!

             Another good friend could be one you have met online through Twitter.  Fellow Nerd @LisaR_M (who is actually a hardcore Chris Hardwick fan, but not to the groupie level that @DiHard11 is at) was able to provide some insight of her own.  Here is her series of tweets that helped me onto the path of personal enlightenment:

@LadyEden1337 What are you thinking about that’s scary? Murdering somebody? Committing the unpardonable sin? Doing something perverted?
— Lisa Moore (@LisaR_M) February 10, 2015

@LadyEden1337 Ah, big picture existential angst. That’s a “Let go and let God” situation. Or insert whatever your higher power is.
— Lisa Moore (@LisaR_M) February 10, 2015

@LadyEden1337 All of life is a paradox. It’s always a take the good with the bad situation. There can never be perfect people.
— Lisa Moore (@LisaR_M) February 10, 2015

@LadyEden1337 And you have to watch your ego. It’s tempting to think you know what’s best for everyone but you’re not omniscient
— Lisa Moore (@LisaR_M) February 10, 2015

@LadyEden1337 The issue you're having with the bullshitters is a clashing of egos. Instead of judging them try to learn from them.
— Lisa Moore (@LisaR_M) February 10, 2015

@LadyEden1337 :) I’ve thought a lot about this stuff. It’s exhausting sometimes that's why I avoid politics & try to let it go.
— Lisa Moore (@LisaR_M) February 10, 2015

            I was able to take to heart the "ego check" one, because sometimes, when you're on the Autism Spectrum, you don't always think of the world through a perspective outside of your own.  This (in my case, especially) often leads to moments where you feel as though you have all the answers!  ALL OF THEM!  Including the Answer to Life , the Universe and Everything!  (That one is easy to obtain; just read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and ask, "What is 6 times 7?")

            It does get frustrating at times, and she's right: we shouldn't think that way.  Even if you're not on the Spectrum, if you're just a nerd, it's still the same principle.  Chris Hardwick has already pointed this out on page 105 in a subsection titled "The Third Reaction" in his book The Nerdist Way, saying, "Nerds know they're smarty-pantses—in fact, it's part of how they define themselves, so sometimes we come from a place of 'everyone is stupid but me.'  This is shitty and wrong.  It also leads to spontaneous emotional reactions to situations rather than calm, well-thought-out ones."  So, as a member of this community of differently-wired persons, we should work on understanding what makes sense to other people, instead of dismissing it as "utter crap".  In fact, that's what I'm adding to my XP goal chart: "Understanding and Communication," because I know that once I understand where my debate opponents (like the anti-vaccine….. *struggling* people) are coming from, I can communicate my way around their defenses to see if I can help them open up to (at the very LEAST) healthy discussions that are highly educational for both sides of an issue.  This is also made difficult because everyone understands something their own way and are often convinced that they know the "truth" behind certain topics; and everyone living their life as a story, and they are the hero of it, regardless of whether other people regard them as heroes or villains.

            (Small parenthetical paragraph note: Another great way to help people get a better understanding of Autistic Spectrum Disorders is to talk to us!!!!  So often are we excluded from the conversation that I'm sure there is misinformation out there, provided by people who are thought to be the voices of the "autistic people," when they're not really speaking for us, but rather for themselves.  Yes, this includes Autism Speaks; they don't really pay attention to what we're figuratively saying.  Just talk to us or ask us about ASDs and living independently!  We can answer questions!  Either tweet to me or to @chromesthesia; we can give you insight!)

            So, as I was saying, I was given pearls of wisdom that I'll be fashioning into Earrings of +20 Wisdom, thanks to my friends.  And it has led me to perhaps what the goal would be for the world.

My Hopes for the World in Commercials

            This discussion about humanity has led me to having hope for the future of the human race; it's not a very big anti-vampire spotlight of hope, because it's a lot of work to set forth a giant tidal wave of change.  But now that I typed that sentence, I am realizing that I shouldn't work on creating a tidal wave, but rather just create my own small waves that will erode at this rock of evil that I see before me.  And I can do it similarly to this commercialfrom Liberty Mutual:

One way to start, just hold the door open for the person entering or exiting the building you're entering or exiting from, or keeping to the sides of the grocery aisles, shopping cart and all.

            Maybe once that gets going, we can live life like these adorable animals in this Android commercial that has been making the rounds of the advertsphere:

In any case, I should enjoy what I can, taking the good stuff to heart and cherishing it emotionally while leading the bad stuff to my mental laboratory to analyze it, determine if it's an endeavour to take on with the experience I have or to pass on it, buying more time to learn about the issue that is staring at everyone in the face.

            (And can I point out that we have a time limit here?  I mean, come on!  Asteroid Apophisis coming!  TICK-TOCK TICK-TOCK!!!)

            In any case, I hope you agree with me on this and have decided to join me on this journey towards world improvement.  And to make the journey more enjoyable, why don't we ride a burrito boat?  JUST BECAUSE!  Heehee!  In the meantime, enjoy your mindful tacquito!

WTF?!?!?!—The Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything

Just a warning: your mind might be blown; you could get minor headaches or migraines from thinking about what I'm about to share with you too hard; I'm not responsible for either of these things, or for breaking you to the point that requires some therapy.  Seriously, I'm sorry for what happens to you after, despite your reaction to this post being COMPLETELY up to you.

            I will be honest here: I think I'm having a little bit of an existential crisis.  It's not exactly like, "What's my purpose in life?!  I NEED RELIGIONS TO GUIDE ME!" and it's definitely not like that more familiar Midlife Crisis of "Hey! I'm not that old!  I can still do young stuff!  BATCYCLE, TO ME!"  I know I'm addressing things that are WAY outside of most people's perspectives, but I'm serious—I'm having an existential crisis at the universal we're-too-small-to-have-any-major-impact-on-the-whole-of-the-universe-and-are-helpless-at-this-point-in-time-being-at-the-mercy-of-our-solar-system level.

            Please, allow me to explain….with the (optional) theme song being "FarCentaurus" by Nigel John Stanford, the guy whose Cymatics music video was so AWESWOME!

            Just recently (as in, this past weekend and prior to), I indulged a bit at the library, checking out Discovery's How the Universe Works and Into the Universe with Stephen Hawking.  Just a quick bit about these two shows: the former, sometimes having blogger-and-discovery-of-dark-energy-assist-master Phil Plait (Bad Astronomer) in it and voiced overall by Mike Rowe (#NerdCombo #NerdDrool), and the latter written by Stephen Hawking, with voice-over segments done by Benedict Cumberbatch (#SQUEE!).  Both of these shows are very well done, but they both also changed my perspective quite a bit.  And when I say quite a bit, I am really saying BY A FUCKLOAD!

            What I gathered from these two shows is that we, the denizens of the planet Earth (Sol-3), are not exactly the creation of a deity.  We're not living in the only solar system that exists in this universe (If you need more proof, just look at science headlines that go along the lines of "NEW EARTHLIKE PLANET DISCOVERED!"), and our physical selves did not just come out of nothing.  We're made of STUFF, these different elements such as iron, hydrogen, oxygen, nitrogen, carbon, calcium, iodine, sodium, etc, that did NOT exist at time of the Big Bang.

            Instead, we're the product of a series of VERY fortunate happy accidents.

            Think about it: we're probably in one of very few (out of an infinite number of) universes that actually supports the existence of life, that mysterious chemical reaction that results in organic multi-cellular beings, with each one made of an uncountable number of molecules, making up a shit ton of cells that are able work together to function as a whole system by itself.  This universe was able to form out of matter and not antimatter, just because particles of matter simply just happenedto outnumber antimatter particles.  The universe that then formed after this cosmic battle of matter-vs.-antimatter (which results in the destruction of both particles, by the way) just happened to be uneven enough for gravity to attract these particles to each other, enough to form the first stars.  These stars just  happened to create the elements (out of hydrogen nuclear fusion) necessary to build us.

            Yes, we're not made of regular dust just like the Bible states in the Book of Genesis; we're made of stardust!  Which is pretty neat, if you think about it long enough; it's kind of romantic, in a sense.

            Anyways, some of these stars just happened to explode, creating enough material to form our current solar system, and the sun (Sol, of course) just happened to form successfully, and in just the right size in the PERFECT spot in the Milky Way Galaxy: not too far from the central supermassive black hole, but also not too close to whip us around at impossible speeds, expose us to deadly radiation or to suck us into the black hole.

            And, in addition to the whole "What the Fuckery?" I just laid out, the Earth formed in just the right spot in the solar system, at just the right size with the perfect amount of gravity and elements, AND survived the Hundred-Planet Demolition Derby that took place after the sun first formed.  Not to mention that enough comets hit the surface of this rocky and hot world to give us exactly the right amount of water (give or take a few litres) to cool it down to exactly the right temperature.  Plus, the atoms of specific elements successfully created these molecules that formed the first cells and, therefore, the first forms of life!

            And to top it all off, Jupiter, our big tough super-strong super popular planetary brother, formed far enough away to not affect us, but also to act as our bodyguard, deflecting and/or attracting in-bound comets and asteroids that would've hit Earth and prevented our existence otherwise.  Plus, the moon formed and took its spot at the right distance for us to land on it, and gives us almost the right amount of light at night so we can still see just enough to be able to not trip on something in the meadows and grasslands.  (Well, in my opinion, at least…)

            AND, to top it all off, that comet/asteroid that hit Earth millions of years ago wiped out all the dinosaurs, to allow US, the mammals, to survive, and evolve into creatures that can understand and map the universe!  We are simply the product of a series of accidents who can create abstract ideas that have no solid tangible presence in the universe, and extremely large solid objects made up of the same stardust as us that DO have such a presence!

            Which.  Is.  Weird!!!!

            What the hell?!  What is humanity's purpose in the universe?  Are we really experiments, something that just SO happened to form as part of a simulation (which I suspect due to the discovery of the Higgs Boson particle, or the Keyon, as I like to call it)?  Or are we the creation of the universe itself so that this (possibly sentient) universe could understand itself—making us its neurons in three-dimensional space?  I have so many questions, many of them being "WHY….?" and eager for an answer that doesn't just have any basis in statistics and probability.

Perspective: Now You Have It

            It's frustrating and scary to see how we have all of this amazing stuff going on and NONE of it is the primary focus of the human race!  We're all on the same spherical rocky iron(ic) boat, orbiting the same star, paying witness to some of the same awesome stuff in the skies (including the moon), and yet we're too busy bickering with each other about police brutality and who crossed which lines in the sand, eager to collect all parts of an abstract creation of ours, an idea that we place numerical value upon, despite it having not a lot of purpose besides being a tool that we use in a system that we set up, and fighting over how people see other people who are different from them (Sunni vs. Shiite and Middle East vs. America—everyone wants to be right, nobody wants to be wrong; it's pointless to force your ideas of how people should live/think/function onto someone else, and that goes QUADRUPLE to the (tel)evangelists and racist fucknuts out there!).  Why do this, when we have a whole other realm to explore?

            And why destroy the planet we're all living on?  IT'S THE SAME PLANET EARTH!!!!  The climate-change global warming deniers (read: idiots) are poisoning the same air that everyone else is breathing and relying on for survival, only because they're not educated enough or they don't believe that we're all going to destroy ourselves as the result of our own actions.  We're making each other sick, we're killing each other, and we're ruining ourselves because of disagreements and bullshitting.  (Also, any deniers are NOT going to be allowed in my boat.  You cause it, you suffer the consequences—have fun either treading water or drowning or dying from dehydration!)

            Why fight?  Why destroy things?  We could be the only witnesses to everything the universe is showing us, and yet, we're staring at the ground and our cell phones and computer and/or television screens, and glaring at everyone else.  We're unhappy narcissistic creatures that are intent on focusing on ourselves and our own problems.  Our world-view is small, limited to what we each see around us, when we could just look up together and learn what we have yet to know about everything and everyone.

            Why don't we just do this right?!

            This is all I can say right now.  That is the gist of my sort-of existential crisis.  That is the result of watching those two shows on DVD—and I think everyone else should do this, too.  It would be good for you, at least, to realize what I have learned: we're a miracle that isn't acting like one, and should start in order to save itself from the extinction we've forced on many other creatures that live on the same planet we do.  If we do get our act together, cooperate and accept everyone's differences (including the colors of our skin, the religions we practice, and the fact that many of us have Autistic Spectrum Disorders and other disabilities), we can do incredible things, which can help us understand the universe (that can be scary due to the sheer size and scale of it—but only if you look at it that way) and also ensure the survival of the human race in case the universe decides to butt-fuck us again, with Apophis or whatever else is out there.

Random Thoughts Are Random

            I know: I was "thinking like a crazy person" (despite being completely reasonable) prior to this part, so why not share some thoughts that I had amidst this whole existential crisis I'm having and before?

Aw, @Macys! Plz use "Question!" next yr, if not to promote critical thinking, then to have buildings across the st. do "Answer!" in reply!
— Eden Pyrithea (@LadyEden1337) December 1, 2014

to me, right now, a lot of things don't just not "matter" to me--actually, they #antimatter to me. HAHA! #neilwithit
— Eden Pyrithea (@LadyEden1337) December 2, 2014

I wonder what would happen if you stab someone with a #unicorn horn. What magic would take place? @TheBloggess
— Eden Pyrithea (@LadyEden1337) December 1, 2014

            That's all for now, folks!  Keep sharing this blog, and ENJOY YOUR COSMIC TACQUITOS!

Contagion—Part Deux: The RECKONING (Or The Vaccination Recommendation)

            I know it's been a while since I posted that rant about wisdom teeth and their lack of valid purpose, but I had take the time to recuperate and clean my apartment.  Which I did.  A lot.  By sleeping in and taking the proper amount of pain pills and getting hooked on the new CBS docudrama </scorpion>, after Mom refused to let me watch FOX's Sleepy Hollow on their LCD HDTV.  But the break was worth it, even though the Pre-Op Gremlin Diet was a pain in the ass, I had to chew on one side of my mouth for a while, there was no liquid diet (so as to not let my jaw lock up, according to the doctor) and I'm stuck being round with no way of getting a Nutritional Counselor through the Adult Autism Waiver.  Yippee.

            On the bright side, I now have a real doctor (a Primary Care Provider and not a pediatrician, if you will) and he's genuinely concerned about my health.  And after the initial new patient appointment, I'm ready for this year's flu season.  And if I'm ready, and you're not ready, well….you're fucked because I'm not going to be your nursemaid unless I'm the only healthy person left in the world and left with no choice.  Especially if you're against vaccinations for various reasons; which brings me to offering this (optional) full Contagion soundtrack for this blog post on the importance of vaccines, Autistic Spectrum Disorders not being caused by them, and how everyone is panicking over frickin' Ebola.

            If you're like me, you rely on modern medicine and science to keep you alive and healthy for a lot longer than the Dark Ages of childhood.  Seriously, science has been advancing medicine and medical practices to the point where we can treat diseases with proper procedures and improve the outlook of cancer patients without the application of bloodletting and establishment of haunted quarantine facilities located on islands made of human ash (*cough, cough, whisper* Povegliaaaaaaa…..).  Anyways, unless you have a compromised immune system that requires careful monitoring and drug cocktails that turn druggies green with envy (and nausea), we're doing great!  Mostly….  Unfortunately, there are always crackpots (on pot) spouting bullshit from both ends.

            Let's address the first issue: the Ebola Panic Pandemic!

E-BOLA: Not Just a Bowling-Themed Computer Virus

            Lately, there has been a lot of uncertainty with a particular virus that manifested in Western Africa.  Ebola has been the subject of news channels for the past few days (maybe even weeks), and with the help of idiots of the Fox News Channel, panic is being spread faster than the flu virus in a room full of phlegmers.  Seriously, just tune in at any point of the day and you'll see them talking about either ISIS (a valid concern, but only if it's without the Obama Blame-a-thon) or the Ebola virus, saying that it'll make you bleed from every orifice, that it will cause delirium, that it will make your dick sprout wings and fly off!!!!  (Thank you, South Park gluten episode, for that joke.)  Seriously, the experts are saying that it's not super, super, super airborne contagious, Fox News Idiots!  Why continue with the fear-mongering even after their repeated statements that basically translate to "CHILL DA FUCK OUT"?!

            And before the conspiracy theorists start flooding the comments box with statements of, "They are just saying that to make it so you can get sick and the doctors and medical practitioners and pharmaceutical companies can get a lot of business and profit from this outbreak," please do yourself a favor and read the fucking Hippocratic Oath carefully; lying to hurt us or get us sick is a violation of that oath.  I kid you not, it is often believed that part of that oath says, "I will do no harm."  Any deliberate actions to cause harm (even to make money off of it, though most of the money comes from the insurance companies) is considered malpractice.  Or fraud.  Or something along those lines—Dr. Drew, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, back me up here, please!

            So, even though there was one case of Ebola in Dallas, Texas (and many more in Africa), I doubt that it's going to spread like zombie wildfire.  There could be one other person, but only if they have been exposed to an Ebola-infected individual's bodily fluids, including but not limited to blood, feces, urine, or spit.  Just calm down, breathe and stop reading WebMD; you'll just freak out more.  (That goes double—no, triple for you, Jenny Lawson!)  Unless you're a doctor or nurse, stay away from yellow people you see bleeding weirdly—and call emergency services, because even though they appear to be the victim of the Horseman of Pestilence, they're still human and deserve a fair chance at surviving this illness.  (Unfortunately, it's too late to save the Simpsons' universe; they're all jaundiced!  OH MY DAVROS, THEY ALL HAVE CANCER!!!!!)

            Which reminds me: who is the last person to touch my hand sanitizer?!  *flails*

Vaccinations: A Good Defense Makes a Mighty Fine and Painful Offense

            Vac∙cine—n. (vak'-sēn) a modified and hence harmless virus or other microorganism for inoculation to produce immunity to a disease by stimulating antibody production.

Yeah, that definition excerpt is from the Webster's Universal English Dictionary that I got as a gift one Christmas.  It's been handy for looking up words I don't understand or want to share the definition of.  And this definition definitely has the demand for sharing.

            Ever since the dawn of the commercially available Interwebz, there has been a rise in a virulent strain of crazy people who insist that vaccines are more harmful to children (and other people) than the illness it "supposedly" helps the population create an immunity in response to.  I'm serious, with Jenny McCarthy (Wow, that name sounds familiar!) writing books (that get published) about how she "discovered" the "link" between autism and vaccines—which is complete bullshit—there has been a rise in stubborn ignorance and stupidity!  And I'm on the Autism Spectrum; I can verify how bullshitty this reasoning is!

            Let's start from the beginning: I have an Autistic Spectrum Disorder diagnosis of Asperger's (under DSM-IV, and I can keep it thanks to the fine print in DSM-V); up until now, only about….90?.....people know I have it, including family members and friends.  (Due to this, I'm also a recipient of services through the Adult Autism Waiver—YAY GOVERNMENT!  But that's not what we're here to discuss.)  And since the diagnosis, we (meaning family members in addition to myself) have been able to identify that I inherited the genetic trait from my father.  Yes, my father has an undiagnosed case of Asperger's; why else do you think I call him the non-Leonard Nimoy, non-Zachary Quinto Mr. Spock?  But if you take a closer look, it's possible to trace that back to his father (my grandfather), who believes he, too, has Asperger's.  So, yes, Autistic Spectrum Disorders have a genetic root in all this mystery—but that's not the entire answer to this Paladin-level puzzle people have been trying to put together for years.  It could be caused by something in the environment, the amount of oxygen we're getting at birth, etc.  So far, we don't know what the source is—we're still looking for it.

            But with the Internet came false information: "Vaccines have chemicals and harmfullevels of lead that WILL cause your kid to get autism!"  It is to the best of my (probably faulty) knowledge from an English college course that this theory came from a fraudulent research paper, with a message popularized by Jenny McCarthy and Oprah and the series premiere of Eli Stone (remember that TV series?)—truth be told, the whole damn cake was a lie!  And yet, the idea spread and connected like-minded vaxxers to create this movement based on this lie.  And after a while, there are now Autism organizations that are working to promote this idea and saying, "Let's get rid of vaccines for good!"

            Everyone.  Please.  Cue the facepalms.

            How about we set this allll straight?  First of all, lead in vaccines is completely bullshit to me.  The FDA and whatever other organizations that are in charge of regulating drugs that require injection is not going to let any drug onto the market if it has any harmful levels of lead in it, including levels that  "cause autism."  Not to mention that I have no idea if any other drugs or chemicals cause autism or Autistic Spectrum Disorders.  From what I've learned, it's not about the blocking of chemicals to certain areas of the brain like lead can (Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey episode 7, "The Clean Room"), but rather a different way of wiring the brain.  We think differently, process information differently, express ourselves differently from neurotypical (NT) people due to this "faulty" wiring.  And even though it's frustrating to a lot of people (especially mothers like mine), it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with us—we're just a lot more different from everyone else.

            But anyways, vaccines do serve a real purpose.  It helps your body identify what viruses and bacteria are not good for your cells and organs to metabolize.  Once identified and eradicated, the body then knows (how) to produce the correct antibody for that particular virus or bacteria so you don't wind up hospitalized and getting your food and air through a fucking tube shoved down your throat.  This way, you can't get SUPER sick from flu or chicken pox, measles, mumps, rubella, smallpox….   For a while, these diseases were only found in the virus vaults of the Centers for Disease Control and developing nations.  Now, with the anti-vaccine bullshit spreading through the masses faster than Bubonic Plague at the Olympics in Autumn, they are making a comeback.  Which is not good, because not only will we get sick (from POLIO—DO YOU WANTPOLIO?!) at worse levels and intensities, but it will also mean that Mama Squirrel's contribution is completely moot.  She was one of the vaccine pioneers, which makes her sound older than she really is, but I'm pretty sure that she is part Gallifreyan, so she can't really age like you and I do.  The only people who shouldn't get a vaccine are the ones with compromised immune systems for whatever reason: immunosuppressants, HIV and AIDS, etc.

            In the end, the fear of having a child with an Autistic Spectrum Disorder should NEVER take priority over keeping yourself and your family healthy (and alive).  Besides, what is there to fear?

Neurodiversity: When It's OKAY to Have Autism

            So, to quickly recap, Autistic Spectrum Disorders are a bunch of "disorders" that vary in symptoms and intensity, is NOT caused by vaccines, and has more to do with neurology than the immune system.  Oh, and I should mention that there is no cure for this.  (It's also NOT caused by Ebola, for the confused readers.)  No diet (gluten-free or otherwise) is going to heal/cure/"manage" the symptoms of an ASD, no matter what the vaxxers and gluten-phobes claim.  Seriously, I think y'all are crazy for saying, "OMG, GLUTEN-FREE PRODUCTS, I NEED YOU!"  I'm sure that soon, there will be markets for "gluten-free" toilet paper, underwear, feminine supplies, condoms, soap, cars, houses, tanks full of oxygen…..  Please don't start that; I'm forbidding anyone from using this "idea" (read: crap) as an excuse to keep the phobia alive.

            Much like pi, this fear is irrational, and it doesn't seem to end……

            Anyways, people haven't exactly understood what it means to have an ASD; growing up (and going through hell school) in a small town in the middle of FUCKING NOWHERE (in a place that Verizon can't seem to find on the map), I was ostracized by about 85% of the student population for being different this way.  At first, I couldn't understand why, but now we know; it was a tough battle to get the diagnosis, though, as I didn't get it until I was 15 and in high school. (What's worse is that it was initially "Asperger's tendencies"—what a way to half-ass your practice, Dr. [name hidden]!)

            Anyways, yes: we're socially awkward, we're highly intelligent, we can have laser focus on topics of interest…..which is funny, because isn't that the definition of being a nerd????  Oh my Davros, it actually is!  Nerdism can have neurological and developmental causes!  Clinical nerdism—what a breakthrough!  I should totally blog/talk about this—at another time!

            Well, besides that, there are a lot of us on the Spectrum who find it very difficult to think of living without an ASD.  It is a part of us, a part of our identity, a part of who we are.  Yes, ASDs have their drawbacks (which sometimes makes it frustrating to interact with the members of society on the spectrum), but it doesn't mean that ASDs are a bad thing to have; it's simply a different way of functioning in the world.  However, it also doesn't mean that ASDs are what define us as who we are: we have them; it doesn't mean that we ARE the disability, that they have us in their tight grip and there's no hope for us.  There are lots of resources out there that can help you understand your daughter/son/sister/brother, and it isn't really that hard to accept ASDs as a part of life: You have to live with it, rather than suffer from it.

            Acceptance is the first step.  That's what's key to being a happy parent of a child who's on the spectrum: just accept it.  I'm not asking for you to surrender (actually, I sort of am, but only by a factor of 5%), but rather to realize how you can't create the perfect child; so they have an ASD—so what?  Do you see any Horsemen of the Apocalypse riding through the streets?  Is the diagnosis of an ASD so earth-shattering that it literally causes an earthquake in your area that registers at 12.0 on the Richter scale?  Is it so horrifying to have an ASD that it's akin to terminal cancer or lupus?  (Is it Obama's fault?  Is it the work of the Freemasons or the Illuminati?)  The correct answer is: HELL NO!  All it means is that you should learn how to speak their language and understand them on a deeper level.

            (Also, any diagnosis of an ASD should be double-checked.  That's what second opinions are for!)

Medical Dalek says "VACCINATE!"

            So, let's wrap this up: FOR FUCK'S SAKE, JUST GET THE VACCINES!  There should be legitimate medical reasons why you shouldn't, like real allergies to eggs or any other ingredient in the vaccine, or compromised immune system, or some other legitimate issue.  (I do not consider money to be a legitimate issue; there are places out there—and I'm referring to "outside of my home base but still in America"—that offer free vaccines.  I'm serious!  Even my college, Marshall University with their free basic healthcare for full-time students, would hold free flu shot clinics for the students every year.  Just locate one near you, and go there!)

            As for the whole "fear of needles," that's a bit understandable: it can hurt, it's frightening, etc.  But I've had to deal with needles my whole life (most recently with an IV needle for my oral surgery) for medical reasons.  I can tell you from experience: all you're going to feel is a painful pinch, and then it's over.  If you need to, bring a good friend.  But you can do it!  I believe in you, even though I don't really know you!

Good places to check out for more information:

~Bad Astronomer:  He's a blogger, a skeptic, a pro-vaccine critic, a scientist, an astronomer, a nerd, an all-around smart and funny dude, and he's worked on the Hubble Telescope—SQUEE!!!  He can weed out the bullshit and get you the truth.

~Centers for Disease Control: They're the master experts in America on infectious diseases and other sick-making stuff.  'Nuff said.

~Mayo Clinic: More top-notch medical people.  (Warning: their pages cast a negative light over ASDs.)
~Autism Speaks: Even though I initially thought that this organization was anti-vaccine, I took a look and I was wrong.  However, I'm still a little leery...but I recommend them!

            That's all I can come up with for now.  Let's just hope that the Ebola virus doesn't evolve into a zombie virus and DESTROY US ALLLLL!  (If you're a zombie, I'm sorry: just stay the hell away from me and my human colony.)

            In the meantime, ENJOY YOUR HEALTHY EBOLA-FREE NOT-SICK TAQUITO!!!