A Little Bit of Loneliness, A Little Bit of Disregard

        Hi, y’all!  Sorry I was silent for so long….  I just never really had anything to talk about prior to now (or the time to write about it thanks to my very crazy schedule).  Brief update: I’ve had issues, I’ve had progress, I’ve had fun.  But now’s not the time for the “here’s how my life is” stuff…..  There’s something far more important, and far more personal, to talk about, a topic I’m struggling to write articles about for a project I want to put together to change how people perceive it……

FYI, this post is basically addressing the "Autism martyr" parents of the Interwebs that I frequently run into in the comments sections of certain articles. So if you're not one of these "my child is suffering! We must cure them of their autism!"-shouting parents, please don't take it personally; it's just a message and it was way easier than typing in the third-person perspective. So the "you" doesn't apply to everyone.

This post’s theme songs are all by Linkin Park: Faint, By_myslf, Castle of Glass, Somewhere I Belong, and Nth th End.  (Basically, these are all songs I felt express my frustrations towards the neurotypical people who act like they are supporting us, but are actually supporting causes that make them feel better about us.)

Don't Shut Me Up!

“[I am] A little bit of loneliness 

A little bit of disregard 

Handful of complaints but I can’t help the fact 

That everyone can see these scars 

[I am] What I want you to want 

What I want you to feel 

But it’s like no matter what I do 

I can’t convince you 

To just believe this is real 

[So I] Let go 

Watching you 

Turn your back like you always do 

Face away and pretend that I’m not 

But I’ll be here ‘cause you’re all that I’ve got.”  

--Verse 1 (Mike Shinoda) of “Faint” by Linkin Park

It’s frustrating to be in my position sometimes, when I try to navigate the Interwebs and come across an article about how “Autism is debilitating,” and that “such-and-such groups and corporations are funding research into the causes in the hopes of curing Autism,” and that “parents struggle with their child’s violent outbursts.”  Of course, once I peek into the comments sections of these articles, I see so many commenters repeat themselves in a variety of ways with the same ideas, over and over….. “Vaccines cause autism!  Here’s a link to this site I trust more than the CDC’s web site!” and “Hey, the gluten-free diet helped so much that my child doesn’t have autism anymore!” and even negative comments from idiot trolls calling people on the Autism Spectrum (people like me) the r-word and making claims that because of (the oft-repeated not-at-all true claims of) our “lack of empathy,” we would become killers that shoot up schools.

Source: deviantArt

It’s even worse when I try to say something, because there is always going to be people who not only agree with me, but more often than not, people who say that I’m wrong, that I’m “not an expert” and that I have “no clue what these parents are going through,” and should therefore, “get off the internet and let the parents of ‘severely affected children’ do the talking.”  Yes, I have received those comments before, here, here and even here!  And they piss me off every time!

I know what they’re doing: they don’t want me to speak up and prove these neurotypicals (NTs) wrong, that people on the Spectrum are okay, that we do have difficulties but with the right supports, can have an actual future and function independently, that despite all the talking about how parents “know more than the doctors about what it means to live with autism,” that I’m a member of a the population that has true first-hand experience of living with an Autistic Spectrum Disorder DIFForder (ASD).

I have a few questions, and the most important one is “WHAT THE FUCK?!  Why are you ignoring us?  Why won’t you shut up for a few minutes and give the microphone to the people you need to listen to--US?!?!”  Sure, it’s three questions in one, but at least the point is made….

“[I am] A little bit insecure 

A little unconfident 

But you don’t understand 

I do what I can 

And sometimes I don’t make sense 

[I am] What you never want to say 

But I’ve never had to doubt 

It’s like no matter what I do 

I can’t convince you 

For once just to hear me out 

[So I] Let go 

Watching you 

Turn your back like you always do 

Face away and pretend that I’m not 

But I’ll be here ‘cause you’re all that I’ve got.”

 --Verse 2 (Mike Shinoda) of “Faint” by Linkin Park

Yes, there are all of these groups that want to raise awareness of Autism--but they’re doing it all wrong.  Basically, the same message is there--“Autism is an evil disease that ruins lives and makes our sons and daughters less than human, and therefore, rob us of the life we wanted originally: a normal life just like everybody else, without Autism and its difficulties.”

See how insulting that is?  (Many people out there may be going, “Hey, you’re exaggerating!  We’ve never said that!” But you still did--we don’t always read “between the lines,” but when you talk about us, it’s like, we’re the “angry” gorilla in the room who doesn't care what you say!)  Yeah, we may not look like we’re listening, but we still are, despite not looking at the people talking.  (It’s basic knowledge: we don’t listen with our eyes!!!!  Unless there’s lipreading or sign language involved……)

I want to make a few things clear here: we are human beings, we are neurologically different from you, and this world you NTs have built for yourself is baffling and difficult for us to navigate.

It’s time to shut up and listen to us……  Here’s my side of the situation…..

“How’s the Advocacy Going?” “Well….”

I’m angry as hell. I’m furious, I’m frustrated, I’m enraged…..  So often, NTs want to be heard, and are willing to figuratively “talk” over everyone else, including their own sons and daughters, to have their concerns and fears be received by the community.  They fail to realize that they’re trivializing us in doing so.

Source: deviantArt

Which is why I ask you “martyr” parents of Autistic people, who violate our privacy by posting videos of our meltdowns and complain about how we’re throwing tantrums “all the time”, despite our being in a vulnerable emotional state; who ignore our cries for help or misinterpret them as whining-due-to-our-not-having-things-our-way despite the fact that shrieking, crying, screaming, etc., is the most basic and primal forms of communication that we’ve inherited from the apes (providing that you believe in evolution; if you’re a hardcore Creationist, listen up: GOD MADE US THIS WAY!  Okay?); who force us to act like everyone else despite our need for self-stimulation (stimming) that includes hand-flapping and rocking back and forth, our need for an environment that doesn’t make us experience sensory overload (which is terrifying, in case you’re wondering), our inability to blend in no matter how much you want or even train us to; who don’t want to be ashamed over having an autistic child, thanks to all the stigma that society attaches to being disabled--Who has more experience with Autism: you or us?

This hurts us more than it helps. However, parents, please don’t be dismissive.  I want you to know that you are our partners who help us navigate the world we both share, our protectors, and our guides to that world that confuses us.  We do need you to be there for us, to be supportive of our talents, our interests (despite how narrow they can be), our dreams and desires (despite how invisible they are to you, who can’t seem to see past the external behaviors that allow us to process the world that we experience).

Yes, this is mine....

You might be saying, "You can't speak for everyone! Your to mild and high-functioning!" One--UGGGHHHHH!!!!!! In this case, it's "you're" not "your", and too, not "to". Two--the functioning polarity (which is what I call it) is complete bull and does not represent the true nature of the Autism Spectrum. And three--You might assume that I don't have struggles, but the reality is that I do struggle with certain things, including social cues. I can’t tell you how often that I’ve embarrassed myself for not knowing the subtle messages of “No, thanks,” or “Please leave me alone,” or even “You’re too annoying, go away.”  And these messages do hurt, but it hurts more when these messages are there and I can’t even pick up on them; after all, if it isn’t said, it isn’t being said, riiiiight?  According to the ways I’ve had to learn them, HELL NO!  It’s as if hinting way too subtly was way more acceptable than explaining in a straightforward manner that you don’t want me to contact you so often, or hang around as a friend, or even be nice to you in a way that I thought you’d appreciate.  Nooooo, it’s way more “acceptable” to just cut all ties without letting me know what I was doing wrong, without giving me a chance to learn and change my ways so I can be better at being a friend or coworker or classmate or neighbor!

Also mine....

I do have troubles.  I do have problems, but they’re not all that visible to you--I have depression, anxiety, and even ADD.  And these co-occurring disabilities (Doctors say “co-morbid”, but that’s too negative; I prefer the more neutral term “co-occurring”.) are what I’m struggling with more, rather than my Asperger’s itself--and it all wears me the hell out!  The anxiety is actually causing so much tension that I’m just craving Massage Therapy to undo all the knots I have lurking in my back. (I’m not kidding!  I get knots too!  First time I got a massage from a friend who took classes, he found three knots. Second time, it was four!  So, really, it was frustrating to feel tight in my back after having such great sleep!  I bet I have seven knots lurking about at this point!)

Each of us experience anxiety, and probably depression; some of us have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) due to the amount of bullying we’re subjected to during childhood (and sometimes not even bullying--there’s a lot of other stressful points that we experience as traumatic).  We have co-occuring conditions that have symptoms that either mask the ASD or even are mistaken for ASD.  And people fail to realize that we’re a population as well, and that in every group, there are good people and bad people.  And yet, what we experience gets trivialized by the neurotypicals (NTs; people without autism, in other words) because we “can’t possibly feel _________” or “know what it means to _________”.  Because we’re autistic.  And they’re not.

From quickmeme, because FUCK YES!!!

But how would they know?  How would NTs who trivialize what we see, hear, feel, experience, think, etc., know what it’s like to be us?  We’re not lying!  And yes, we’re not looking you in the eyes either, because it’s too intense or painful or just plain hard for us to maintain that focus where we’re talking and aiming our eyes at yours!  We’d have to sacrifice an amount of RAM to be able to appear normal while conversing with NTs who like to pretend to be intelligent or courteous by wasting time talking about things that we don’t value all that often or get confused by.  (Like, “Are you keeping up with the Kardashians?  Kim and Kanye did this the other day!”  My response would be, “I don’t fucking care what the Cardassians are doing!  They need to broker a peace treaty with the Bajorans already!”)  Ask us about the weather, and we’ll give you the forecast for the day, totally serious.  We don’t handle small talk well, we don’t have the programming for “social niceties” already installed (that costs extra for our model of “human being”), and we have a hard time distinguishing sarcasm from genuine expression, understanding the meaning behind idioms that are so ridiculous that we’d rather be straightforward by saying what we mean, and, finally, just navigating the script for social interaction is so hard for us that through painful trial and error over the years, there are those of us who have crafted a neurotypical “persona” (an act, really) to allow us to “pass” in a society that not only doesn’t understand us, but would fear us and ostracize, alienate and bully us for not “fitting in” and being “normal”.

And what really pisses me off is how many "martyr" parents just prophesy bleak futures for us!

The Dangers and Evils of Stereotypes and Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

In case you've forgotten, yes: we're a minority, and with every minority, there are stereotypes. The rich white (and sometimes orange) assholes (who are fulfilling the stereotype of rich white assholes) are applying stereotypes to everybody who is not part of their population, as part of their compartmentalized sorting system, categorizing each person with a box-shaped image of what springs to mind when this population is mentioned. They'd stereotype black people as "thugs who engage in crime, are dangerous, form gangs, and love watermelon, fried chicken, and hip hop!" and (lately) Muslims are "terrorists who are a danger to our country; they're always plotting something!" They also stereotype us: autistic people, who "can't do anything worthwhile, will never speak, will never use the toilet properly, won't be able to work or take care of themselves...." BLEH!!!!

(Does that sound familiar, anybody?)

From a google search....

Here's the issue here: stereotypes feed into self-fulfilling prophecies. Yes, it's the brain's way of simplifying things; in fact, your brain loves you......BUT.......it can be a real asshole at times. Some peoples brains are assholes more often than others, even; this is what happens with depression and anxiety (overly-simplified, of course, since we're keeping things super simple). But if you engage in self-fulfilling prophecies that are echoes of the "autistic individual" stereotype, then you're already doing damage before you do anything that you think would help them. It leads to giving up on opportunities that we could have taken to wow the world, to surprise the assholes, to......*Bill Nye voice* dare I say it...... CHANGE THE WORLD!!!!!

So, as soon as we hear, "She'll never be able to ___________," our hopes and dreams are tainted with your despair. It affects us greatly: "She'll never be able to get/hold down a job" leads to us believing that we'll never succeed in the job hunt, so why bother? "She'll never live on her own," leads us to being that 40-year old who still lives in their parents basements, trapped in low expectations land. It's a real effect that has major implications...... But we can learn; we are great at pattern recognition, so why not use that to our advantage? We see a pattern, we figure out what it means, and we apply it to life. "Getting a job means I get money which means I get to move out and have more freedoms!"

Basically, we’re a population of scholars, who learn as we go through life.  Our brains are so often on overdrive that it even keeps us awake late at night, running fast with the premium-level problem-solving programs to the point where we have a hard time getting a good night’s sleep.  And though we’re more visible, we’re not as audible to you.  Wasn’t there a line in Gregory Maguire's Wicked when there’s a poetry scene--one line goes “Animals should be seen and not heard.”  We’re not Animals (or animals, for that matter).  We’re not victims--so why are you treating us like that?  We don’t need your pity, just your support, patience and understanding (especially in the grocery stores; don’t block the aisles while looking at

the shelves!  Because I’m behind you, getting impatient!).  We crave routine and scheduled events happening when they happen, because the NT world is too chaotic and loud and bright and smelly and full of people who don’t get the concept of “personal space,” even while walking in the same direction as us.  (This last one perturbs me a lot; there would be people walking in the same direction as me having a conversation but they get too close behind me to the point where I could poke them with a metre-/yardstick, which is unnerving--mostly for survival self-defense reasons, like, “Why are you so close to me?  Do you want to hurt me?!”  This is why I let people pass in front of me, so I don’t get anxious.  Because anxious autistics/Aspies are unhappy autistics/Aspies.)

Source: Daily LOLcat blog

There are things that we do that don’t make sense to you, but it makes sense to us.  We’re not always right, but neither are you.  And we’re excellent at pattern recognition, and can be expressive in ways that aren’t always verbal.  You know, “picture’s worth a thousand words” and all that.  Perhaps there are members of our population who have thoughts and ideas too beautiful to be expressed verbally???

This is why it does not suit our needs and interests to be ignored.  Perhaps if you listened to us in whatever launguage we use (sign language, Morse code, written word, augmented communication, binary, etc), maybe you’ll be more enlightened to what does and doesn’t work, what hurts and what helps; we’re at the center of the meltdowns you so often complain about, so why not try to understand what has us red-lining explosively with all this pent-up stressful energy???  Why not connect with us through our narrow interests?  Why not just get to know us?

We’re more than what meets the visual, aural and tactile senses.

In Summary, With Additional Reading…..

I understand that you’re frustrated, exhausted, scared, confused, lost, and struggling to figure it all out, and I’m sorry you feel this way.  I want to help you and especially help your son(s) and/or daughter(s).  That’s why I’m offering insight, with the perspective of somone “on the inside”.  Yes, I am aware that when you meet one person with autism, you only meet one person with autism; I don’t have all the same problems as your son(s) and/or daughter(s), but I have experienced similar problems and situations, just like everyone else on the Spectrum.  So what worked for me might help your son(s) and/or daughter(s).

So, what do you say?  You ready to shine some light on the situation?  Or would you rather continue to keep us trapped in the darkness created by well-intentioned ignorance?

Additional recommended reading for more information:

• Jim Sinclair's "Don't Mourn For Us"
• [Growing Up Aspie] on Facebook
• A reply to an exhausted Autism Mom
• A curt reply to an anti-vaxxer
• An important article on tumblr...... (trigger warning: ableism and child abuse; also, NSFW language)
• The book NeuroTribes, by Steve Silberman--highly recommended!!!

         So, there you go.....  Some food for thought.  If you still disagree, then I'm sorry if I have not made myself more clear, or conveyed my message well enough.

Anyways, don't forget to VACCINATE!  Aaaand enjoy your tacquito!  (If you need me, I'm hiding in my bunker from all the drunk, insane tourists who are in the area for Musikfest.....)

Source: imgur

GAMERGATE: Why Making a Fuss Over Gaming Feminism is Ridiculous!

            Hey, readers!  This is my "remotely released" blog post that shares MY views on "Gamergate," and why this is absolutely a waste of our time and energy.  This blog post was drafted on October 30th (and finished on October 31st), 2014, the night after I found out about this so-called "scandal"—that's what "Gamergate" is, right?  Because only real major scandals can have the "gate" name.  In fact, on that note, does anyone think that Bill Gates is more than one scandal in human form?  HAHA!  #ReallyBadJokes

            Anyways, I feel, that as a female Nerd who enjoys playing video games, I should speak up, sharing my point of view.  Yes, it's MY OPINION, which is neither right nor wrong!  So stop trolling and pay attention!

            As always, I have provided you with an theme song for this post: the full Deus Ex Human Revolution soundtrack.

BREAK DOWN THE GATES!!!  Why Not Everything Needs a "Gate" Involved

            Let's begin with the first item on my docket: Do we HAVE to inflate the "scandal" factor in the most RIDICULOUS topics in the media?  Not everything is a scandal; in fact, most is just bad planning and design and what-not.  Seriously, "Bendgate" and "Hairgate" should not even exist.  So what if you get your hair caught in your iPhone6 and it bends in the pocket of your skinny jeans?  That's your own Davros-damn fault here!  Because who would be placing the ear piece right on their hair?  It should be brushed out of the way before using said device as a phone (which I'm sure is rare nowadays; just fucking call the device a tricorder already!  Because we can do everything else with it, INCLUDING MASTURBATE!).  I do that with my Obamaphone (which is not a sign of socialism, conservative fuckers!) already!  I brush my hair out of the way before doing anything with my pointed ears!

            As for "Bendgate," well…..just don't wear skinny jeans.  They were out of style before they were even IN style.  The only reason why they were invented was because the designer had to come up with some sort of pant-like garment for fashion runway shows and the twig-like models (who have a body mass index less than 1, I'm sure) had to wear them; they have no real function in our lives except to make us super uncomfortable and unable to bend over and pick up the loose change that falls out of our pockets.  There's no need for skinny jeans (or this "gate" nonsense associated with video games and tricorders) anyways, in this universe.  In a parallel/alternate universe, maybe; but this is not that universe, because if it were, the products that are of concern would be designed a LOT better.

            In any case, only give a real high-level scandal the "gate" watermark.  PLEASE!  No more first-world bullshit powered by our selfish narcissistic desires for top-notch quality-made products that (in order to obtain in the first place) we would have to shell out millions of dollars to purchase in this market.

The Real Issue: "Gamergate" Is Just a Sexist Response To Gaming Feminism

            So, the night before drafting this post, I was watching Colbert Report, and he shared the super-hyped story  how many male gamers are issuing death threats against female gamers who want ladies to stop being thrust into the objectified damsels-in-distress role in many of the video games that are made for a male-dominant market.  I have to say, I agree with those ladies; I disagree with the response the guys are giving them.

            Seriously, anyone who reacts negatively to this statement is a sexist pig who should never be in a relationship with another woman, because they are sure to be abusive to her.  They are already programmed that way, so maybe it IS the game developer's fault in the first place—WAIT, WAIT, this is confusing and I'm not medicated when drafting up this post, so let's try again……

            A large number of the video games created for Nerds have historically been designed for the straight male half of the Nerd race (which, until recent years, was stereotypically painted as the socially awkward weakling), because that was what the companies assumed would be the majority of their market make-up; I'm sure those companies were run by old sexist geezers in the first place, saying that "running a business is no place for a woman," and sticking them into the secretary role.  And therefore, because of this mentality, those video games were designed for the male brain, which crave not only food and being able to display male dominance gestures (which include guttural roaring while firing off an automatic machine gun like Al Pacino), but also sex from women whenever they want.  It's empowering to them, especially after having been bullied by the intimidating jocks in the real life environment.  Playing those games are their way of getting that self-confidence and, in their mind, taking that power back from those Cthulhu-damn jocks!

            However, with the more recently abundant acceptance that ladies should be treated as equals to men, this mental processing is being challenged; the virtual social hierarchy (and the many places in the world still believing that science and religion are equal, as well as certain places in Asia and on the workplace's payroll) is one of the last bastions of a patriarchal social structure where men can have all the power and women they want, believing that they are akin to objects, "things" that don't feel anything and are made to be used without need for asking for permission and worry, because women "are more submissive and not as tough, without having a single original thought in their heads."  This kind of thinking is not acceptable anymore, especially as society continues to develop.   Yet it's frustrating that many men think it's still okay to make cat-calls and wolf-whistles to women who walk by them on the street.  Oi!  We're not your sex dolls, okay?  If you want to display that behavior, do it at a strip club!

            So, of course there are video games like Grand Theft Auto and whatnot that have strong male leads and "weak" female NPCs (non-player characters, for those not familiar with gaming lingo) in today's world.  Because the video game market is not changing fast enough to support the idea of using a strong female lead that isn't just a sex icon.  That or gender-neutral video games such as the one where you play a gust of wind…….or say, has anyone ever heard of flOw?  That one is gender-neutral!  There are whole species of plants and animals that are without gender living on this very same planet; why do we still have gender-specific games where the exciting sexist action games are geared towards men and the frilly boring "bake a cake" or "raise a puppy" games are geared towards women?  Our world has CHANGED; it's time the nerdy gaming market should do so as well!

So, What the Fuck Again?  Getting to the Points……

            Why have this assumption of a narrow market that is mostly made up of male Nerds in need of a confidence boost that only exists in an artificially constructed world?  Why not expand the mentality to other genre games?  There are games out there that are indie, and games that have strong female leads.  When I was playing the Beta for LP Recharge (that is now available as an app for tablet devices and for sale for actual MONEY—neither of which I really HAVE!  Why leave the poor female nerd out of all the fun by not making it available for free on Facebook anymore?!  Can't we just pay for the ad-free portability instead?  It will allow for a wider audience/market, at least!), I had the option of playing a strong female lead character—which I did.  And it was awesome!  I could play my customized character the way I wanted to.  Why can't we have similar games like that out there, for Xbox/Playstation/Nintendo/Sega consoles?

            We must change the gaming landscape and market, stimulating an evolution and growth that allows gamer diversity in the marketplace.  Though I'd love to fuck with the current gamescape by releasing a game that has ONLY strong female leads that rescue "wimpy" nerds from the clutches of evil, we should start small; we should allow female characters to not just be a standby in the scene, but rather be a part of our team, and be playable.  This line from the Halo Reach release panel says it all: http://youtu.be/1aOb6Nn8egA?t=12m15s

            However, the solution I presented isn't the problem here: it's the reaction that male gamers have to the possibility of a female-equivalent gamescape (which is a gaming market landscape, in case you haven't figured it out yet), by issuing insults and death threats to those females who speak out.  Why do that?!  Why be programmed that way?!  We're not your pixelated bitches!  (Technically speaking, sometimes I am a pixelated bitch, but I'm not your submissive pixelated bitch!)

            Isn't it against the LAW (especially in California) to issue a threat?  Isn't it wrong anyways, if there isn't a law against issuing threats?  Especially "terroristic" threats of school shootings?  In what way does it make sense that it's "okay" to do that in response to us ladies (or lady Nerds) speaking up for equal more accurate representation in the virtual universe?  Because, gamer dudes and guy Nerds, in case you forgot, we ladies are a formidable gender for one reason and one reason only: we.  Have.  VAGINAS!!!  And our vaginas are dangerous and wily.  They are the gateways of NEW LIFE!  Yes: WE BEAR YOUR CHILDREN, BOYS!  And those hormones that rear their heads every month exist for THAT very reason!  That and our mother bear instincts are the reason why your genes are still in the gene pool (provided that your genes make up part of the DNA of your spawn)!  You think we're weak and submissive?  Threaten the safety of our offspring and we go She-Hulk on everybody's asses!  #EdenSmash

            So, "Gamergate" (aka, the Gamescape Waste-of-Time) is just plain ridiculous.  There's no good reason for males to be like, "Whoa, wait, FUCK YOU TO DEATH, BITCH, BECAUSE WE DOMINATE THIS WORLD!" and for them to be programmed that way in the first place.  Open up your minds, bros.  (And I think legal weed should help in that respect.  Just not too much.)  Or else the next time you're online, all the ladies will definitely be fragging your ass in Call of Duty/Modern Warfare/Halo/Destiny/whatever because of how much of a dick you just had to be.  And I'll gladly be one of them once I can figure out how to play first-player-shooter games a lot better (without being the victim of every other "death" in the game)….

            Anyways, that's it for my rant here.  Let's all breathe a sigh of release, drink some delicious dessert wine in celebration of my 24th birthday (which was this past Halloween, if you haven't read my previous post), and share the love.  And while we're doing that at the same time as my partial absence, I hope y'all

ENJOY YOUR DIGITAL HALLOWEEN TACQUITO BUFFET!

(without being fucked over like in this video!)

CUE THE CUTENESS!!!!

Confessions at 4AM Eastern Standard Time on a Monday

Theme for this blog post is "First Sleep" by Cliff Martinez.

            Even as I battle my desires to keep myself awake later and later, I am currently typing this as a sort of…. outlet to vent my complex thoughts.  I say complex because simple thoughts would be like, "FOOD!  SLEEP!  SEX!" all thanks to the lizardy little brains known as the amygdala, which I consider to be the primitive core of our oniony layered thoughts, but beyond that, I have to get this out of my head, so feel free to ignore this post.  I'm sure people are like, "What the fuck?!  Did she give up already?!" when they see that I haven't posted in 2 weeks since the whole freezing-my-ass-off Polar Vortex post.  The answer to that second question is "No, I have not," because I really haven't given up, with a lack of an answer to the first question (I don't know how to answer it, to be honest.).  Sometimes it's hard to just come up with a simple blog topic to write about (hence the need to publish a Life List that, by the way, as a note to my parents, is NOT a Christmas wish list!  I appreciate the Erica loom; but to be honest, a Jack loom and its accompanying warping pegs and appropiate weaving threads would actually do the job better, if I had the space.  Though I wouldn't mind escaping to that weaving-spinning retreat we checked out, that I called "Mom's incarnation of 'Meltdown Comics'."  Remember that one, Mom?  With the bumper stickers?  And the giant classrooms of looms and spindle thingies, tucked away in the middle of 'Merican Fahmland in PA somewhere?  That Dad doesn't really care for very much?  Oh, never mind.  I'm rambling again…..).

            Right now, I will say that my parents were on an extended quest where I couldn't exactly contact them for more money.  They had to maintain "radio silence" of a sort, unless they wanted to spend $8 USD per minute, which meant "DO NOT CALL UNLESS IT'S AN EMERGENCY!".  (Yes, I said American dollars via acronym.  Hello to you too, Finnish and British and other peoples in the world!  I hope the Google translator add-on is working well for you….)  So far, maintaining my apartment without them isn't doing very well.  Though I do hope to make it so they can feel happy upon their return by having a clean apartment, clean clothes, clean everything.  I also will say that I've failed to resume taking my medications after returning home from Christmas.  Though I think I've figured out a way to resume my methods of RPGing my life.

            In case you haven't noticed or read before on this blog of mine, I am trying out Nerdism, where I practice using my Nerdy skills with help from Chris Hardwick's book, which is fittingly titled The Nerdist Way.  In it, I've learned one way to structure my life: by turning it into an RPG (roleplaying game, not rocket-propelled grenade, for those not familiar with the Nerdy lingo).  Pencil-and-paper roleplaying games have been around for decades, and it seems as though that the desire for obtaining experience points (XP) would be motivation enough for us Nerds.  It has worked for me!  I was motivated!  And then Christmas and New Year's came around and everything fell apart for a bit.  But I'm ready to get back into the saddle of the tauntaun I've fallen off of.  And once I've managed to complete all of the exercises listed in the book, I'll review it.  Soon, Big C, I shall pass judgement!….

            But anyways, I do have hopes that this new year will be better than the past one.  Despite 2013 being the Year of the Doctor with the epic 50th anniversary (and the year Chris Hardwick turned 42--I hope you remember, Big C, that 42 is the Answer!  It's your year of enlightenment, Nerd-bro!), I am glad to have a new year to start off with.  If only all the advertisers would STOP using "New year, new you," all the time!  It's overused, overplayed, and overall, too annoying to ever utter again!

            So, yes, I have quests I've appointed to myself for this year: time management, regularly MED-I-CA-TING with my prescription drugs, organization, cleanliness, Life List activities, blogging, health/fitness improvements, socializing, etc, which have been the same as I've started with my life-RPG Character Tome.  Though specific ones might include tasks the I've put as objectives on my as-of-yet still-a-draft Life List, with additions and amendments that include dressing up in costume to attend the Cons, meeting CMNeir at PAX Prime, as well as @cwgabriel and @h_e_e_l_s, and meeting Zak Bagans and Nick Groff at Scarefest (and getting them to autograph my copies of their books), chilling with Big C and Wil Wheaton at The Underground Lair (also having Chris autograph my copy of his book), making an appearance on the Traveling the Vortex podcast (with permission from Glenn and company), and even getting Internet access back at my apartment so as to not just regain a sense of sanity and purpose for myself, but also to stop driving people on Second Life so crazy with my absence! (People on SL really do miss me, Mom and Dad!  Plus, I've yet to get all the updates for plugins, programs and the operating system itself, for which I need Internet access--and hours of it, too, because it would take FOREVER to get it all done!  Don't worry, I won't go overboard this time, as I've also got some real life quests I need to complete!  So, I will not allow myself to be so shut-in all the time.)

            But anyways, I've been thinking about things, being philosophical and deep about my thoughts so late-in-the-night/early-in-the-morning and I'm trying to quash it all with music, while regretting what I did to my saucepan and what I am doing fairly poorly in terms of bill-paying.  L  I have to motivate myself into taking care of it and no matter what, I realize that I have to take that goddamn first step.  And the second step after it.  And I have to make sure that I have to do it off of a cliff so I can keep going--because if I do it on a flat bit of ground, I'll wind up being worn down by the initial inertia and loss of kinetic energy due to gravity.  If I step off of a figurative cliff that has a trampoline at the base in the splatty-landing zone, sort of, I'll keep going, because, again, inertia will be in effect thanks to gravity using all of its attractive force on me.  This is what helped me realize that what I face in terms of lack of motivation isn't really a wall, but rather a scary looking cliff that has my self-preserving amygdalae gripping the emergency brakes with iron(ic) fists of steely fear.  And so, I just have to make like Morpheus and just fucking JUMP ALREADY YOU WIMP!--at least I can hope for  wings or a bouncy asphalt landing that will help me not die a figurative death (death being failing completely).

            Also, I have been watching movies and television series on DVDs that I borrow from the library and hopefully return on time.  I hope the library enjoyed spending my $25 and change (again, USD) on the Torchwood series, though I do hope they get my next bit of "misguided funds raised by having fines" and set it aside for new computers.  Because the ones I'm using at the library are 10 years old, and nowadays, that's REALLY old, like nearly obsolete!  They're due for replacements no matter what!  And I'm hoping they get really good ones from Hewlett-Packard because they're better than Dell's cheap shitty ones.   I have an HP desktop PC and I'm happy with it (though it still needs updates and a graphics card, not a graphics driver because THEY'RE NOT THE SAME THING, DAD, THE SO-CALLED COMPUTER WIZARD!).  A side note in terms of Mac-vs.-PC: AREN'T THEY THE SAME THING?!  I mean, come on!  A Mac is actually a specific kind (or brand) of personal computer, which is actually what PC stands for!  All Macs are PCs but not all PCs are Macs!  Just don't get aggressively all "MAC IS BETTER!" at me because I will use your Mac book or Mac desktop computer or even i-Whatevers to hit you over the head!  Mostly because I'm tired of it all.  I

respect Steve Jobs and all because he's one major motherfucker in the world of Nerds, like he's of god-status (mostly due to how he kept following his Nerdy dreams) but also, he helped Pixar (now Disney-Pixar) to get the ball to keep rolling and he was also a philanthropist!  It's a shame that he passed away, but now he's everywhere, analyzing how his products are doing in terms of porn-viewing and being cum-stain resistant, and he will make notes that he passes on to the current head developers at Apple.  I would've enjoyed his products more if he was from Hawai'i and named the company PineApple Inc., but I digress.

            Anyways, I am still working on listening to the Nerdist podcast series from the very first episode from 2010.  I've managed to download up to 103 episodes from the Nerdist website, direct two mega-fans of certain celebrity figures to the episodes these figures were on (@CMNeir loves Harrison Ford and @ItsBondageLoki adores Tom Hiddleston, so I'm sure I got favor points from them on a small level.), and I'm trying to get the next batch (which will be today while publishing this blog post and battling the evil lag monster) with the benefits of picking and choosing starting with number 143.  It's because of this podcast that I learned about The Nerdist Way and I'm happy to have found out about this text.  I'm also happy to have my Doctor Who cookbook complete with a chapter on Fish fingers and custard recipes!  #random

            So, with self-improvement being one of my main themes this year, I shall bid you "adieu" and "good night" as I try to not fuck up my circadian rhythms any more than they already have.

            In the meantime, LOOK ALIVE and ENJOY YOUR TACQUITO! #boobs  #EXCELSIOR!

P.S. Later on, after drafting up this blog post, I tried going to bed, missed out on my therapy appointment, and had an unusual experience: I've been trying to fall asleep  in bed, and it didn't help that I allowed myself to be distracted (again) by Twitter, searching for song titles to go with this blog post with the theme of "I messed up, I'm up late, I need to sleep BUT no matter what, I'm GOING to make it all better!"  So, I'm in bed, and the door is slightly open so I that can sort of hear stuff happening in the living room with my non-batty ears (Yes, slightly deaf, as I cannot wear my hearing aids in bed) such as people from building management (specifically Brad) and maintenance (Jim from Flushing who fixed my toilet!) and for the building's fire alarm.  But I don't know what happened next, as I've been trying to fall asleep and it could be my mind playing tricks on me--or it could've been the apparition of a ghost.  I'm half-asleep and I see through the crack this older man peering at me in my bed (not pervy-like) from my living room (or the other side) through the cracked open doorway.  I was startled to fully awake panic mode, and there was nobody there!  NOBODY!  I checked to see if anyone was out in the hallway but nobody was there.  I was like, "W-WHAT THE F-FUCKY SHITTENSTEIN…..WHA-WHAT?!" and relayed this to my therapist; he has no idea what happened in that moment.  I have 3 possible theories as to what actually happened: 1.) I was half asleep and my fear of being caught off-guard for inspection allowed me to HAL-LU-CI-NATE the image of this older man looking at me. 2.) Someone was actually there, but I was already asleep and too late to catch them out in the hallway.  (Which is not likely.)  3.) My being half-asleep allowed me to view the full-bodied apparition of the ghost of this older man who could've been a neighbor or former tenant who died in my apartment or on the floor that I'm on or another floor in the same building.  (It's possible--I did have a neighbor who died of old age fairly recently, as it's a senior apartment building.  Whether that's grounds for there to be paranormal activity, I'm not sure.)

            Whatever was going on, I don't know.  But it was unusual.  I don't normally HAL-LU-CI-NATE and if I did, my parents could be like, "WE MUST QUESTION THE STAFF AND THE NEIGHBORS!  WE MUST MAKE THIS RIGHT AND SEEK REPARATIONS AND SOLUTIONS FOR THIS!"  Because they're likely to read this, Mom, Dad, I'm fine.  I was just startled by something that wasn't there (or something that could've been there).  Please don't freak out, because freaking out over this is NOT HELPFUL!  Anyways, I must flee because I'm sure that by the time I publish this post, the system at the library is counting down.


So, later, Dalek-dudes!

A Review of The Hunger Games Trilogy--Part 1: The Hunger Games

Your theme music--the entire soundtrack for the movie! :D

            I understand that I haven't posted many reviews lately but I had yet to decide on a topic….  And I figured that it's time for yet another book review.  But this one I had to word carefully.  I don't want to seem like an anarchist, a communist, a fascist, a Nazi (I'm only a Grammar Nazi, not the other kind…) or anything else by choosing my words poorly, just to have people take it way out of context.  I've had to even do research for this review.

            But I have to say something about The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins, which is the first book in a trilogy that examines a futuristic society that doesn't exactly force absolute perfection, but rather more along the lines of production from the impoverished Districts of Panem that sprouted from the ruins of the United States, whose products only serve the wealthy people in the Capitol.  It has been a mega-hit all over the States as a book, only to explode again as a film.  And seeing that I have two pieces of media that share the same name, I've decided to review them both here.  As for the next two installments, I'll share my expectations for the film adaptations.  I should also issue a SPOILER ALERT for those of you who have yet to either read the book (which should be first) and see the film (which should be second).

            And now, the review:

The Hunger Games: The Book

            There have been many texts throughout recorded history that have forced us to think, to consider, to look at ourselves or our ancestors in a mirror, to see what society can do to mankind, to an outsider…  Hell, I can guesstimate that about one-third of those texts have earned a spot on the Banned Book List.  But it's only recently that The Hunger Games have received such a response, mostly from me.  When I was reading it, I can picture a society that not only advanced towards the future but also held onto the barbarism of ancient history, especially the fights between Gladiators at the Roman Coliseum, where people fight to the death.  I think I should also note that, throughout history, death was also an event, where masses of people would attend an execution by hanging and make a party or picnic out of it.  Idaho State Penitentiary, that once housed many inmates but is now a dwelling for ghosts to haunt, was once such place, where the hangings were held in the courtyard and people would climb the hillside that neighbors the prison just to watch; they would even bring their children.  And speaking of which, the Hunger Games seems to echo that grotesquely gory film Battle Royal (Japanese edition--NSFAWHVAG, Not Safe For Anyone Who Hates Violence And Gore, in addition to NSFW and NSFK--Not Safe for Kids), where kids were forced to fight for their own survival or be killed.

            But anyways…to have that blend really strikes a chord with me; not only do I hate having kids kill other kids, but to force some to kill when they're as young as 12 years old.  12 FUCKING YEARS OLD!  They shouldn't have to face death or take another kid's life like that; but they are forced to, for the entertainment of the Capitol citizens.  Victory promises food, supplies and wealth for the winner's family and District; losing meant certain death.  And the Hunger Games were certainly the most fearful event that the District citizens have to face.  That line, "May the odds be ever in your favor"?  It's interesting: the odds are only in your favor if you are not chosen to be the Tribute, the child warrior forced to fight for survival; if you were chosen, the odds would diminish greatly, as you have 1 in 24 chance of winning, which basically means you have a 4.2%  chance of surviving--a 95.8% guarantee of being slaughtered while your family, friends and District is forced to watch you die; if you train well, it'll decrease enough for you to survive for a significant amount of time, but you'll still wind up dying anyways.

            As soon as I finished reading the book, I can see that Panem does not only exist in this text or off in the future; it's already here.  I can see that all the first-world countries (people with wealth, especially) are represented in the Capitol of Panem, with all the second- and third-world countries being the outlying Districts.  Why should we let those "Districts" suffer?  We're practically hoarding the wealth.  In fact, I may be living well beneath the poverty line here, but I'm still doing quite fine: I've got a roof over my head, clothes, food, running water, electricity, etc.  But why can't the millionaires and billionaires simply downgrade their lives, while keeping security top-notch?  They can afford it, especially after selling all those expensive cars and homes off!  Why not allow people a decent life?  I'm not saying, "FORCE THE ENGLISH LIFESTYLE ONTO THE AMISH!" at all--I'd never say that, especially since it'd go against their religious beliefs!  But why can't we give a part of the life, as in the life we the people in the wealthy Capitol countries have every day, to the ones who need it desperately, like those who don't have medical treatments readily available or food to those who are starving every single day, each day more painful than the last.

            To be honest, I enjoyed reading it; to see the insane future we face if capitalism went out of control (aristocracy, bitches!) through the eyes of someone forced into this "entertainment", read "annual televised execution of innocent children that reminds people who is in control."  Suzanne Collins really did well with writing, using the best descriptions that I can only dream of using.  Her depiction of Bush-era America may be a little extreme, but I like it because it's the kind of reality check people need, in order to see how evil and shitty our society can become.  I hope that it doesn't get banned; if it does, it should be a badge of honor because it really shakes people, rather become than a mark of shame made out of the denial that certain people prefer to drown themselves in instead of feeling the emotional shock that comes with being bitchslapped by a significant dystopian novel, the only kind of novel whose film counterpart broke box office records that weekend.

The Hunger Games--The Feature Film

            If anyone can take a book from inside a population's head, make it one uniformed visual experience, and put it onto a screen JUST to have people say, "THAT'S what it looks like, for sure!", it's Gary Ross.  He made the book into a film that I consider to be unlike any other.  He transformed the novel into what seems to be a fraternal twin to the novel, similar yet still different.  For one, certain scenes were omitted, probably for time constraints and because too many details will make the overall plot convoluted and laggy.  But they made the point of not having a voice-over of Katniss' internal dialogue; it really is good for a first-person point of view novel, but not for a movie that fits into multiple genres: it's a dystopian-action-war-gladiator flick!  Not to mention that Ross just went and made the film less dependent on the book, with its cutaway scenes to the Games control rooms, its ways of conveying messages of "it might be dramatic violence, but it's still a contest, with people abhorrently betting on the lives of minors," and "people are emotionally invested in surviving, not just physically," and "the Capitol is the real villain here, not the contestants."

            I'd like to praise Gary Ross' decision to omit sound during that first fight scene when all the Tributes started slaughtering each other; I agree that it's mostly visual, that it has a major emotional impact, that there's some sort of detachment in that moment, etc, but I'd like to add more praise from the view of people who have certain disabilities.  I believe that if there were sounds added to that fight scene, it'd be overwhelming, far too overwhelming for people who suffer from sensory overload from time to time (I'm not exempt from this Autistic Spectrum Disorder trait; I mostly blame my smartass hearing aids who actually amplify the loudest sound there is at the time--meaning sirens and smoke alarm beepings and things like that, and it winds up being all that I hear, so it frightens and overwhelms me, to the point where I now remove my hearing aids and cover my ears until it all passes; similarly, when someone whistles near me, I give them looks that should punch them in the face and shout, "STOP WHISTLING!"… *slaps self for squirreling too much on the one topic*  Sorry, guys, train of thought took a longer detour…) so it'd be far too much for us peeps with ASDs to deal with.  And what about people who have Post Traumatic Stress Disorders?  They'll suffer from the audio + video double whammy combo and flip out, and if they can't handle the video, they can just close their eyes.  So, yeah, it benefits multiple people.

            The book really fed interest into the movie, and vice versa, which I've never really heard of; normally, it's films just based on the book, like it's the foundation of the film--an issue you can see with the Harry Potter movies and the Twilight saga.  But to have it stand as a reflection of the novel really just piqued a lot of interest.

            I especially love the design of the set, the atmosphere, some of the Capitol-style clothing.  If there are any real-life versions of these costumes, I'd love to have them!  And no, please, no cheap knock-offs and cheap takes on certain outfits (like what I saw at Party City--I mean, really!  Take pride in your work, not make a design that allows you to mass-manufacture it!), because these garments cannot simply be faint shadows of the costume itself.  I'd rather feel I am a less-than flamboyant resident of the Capitol, rather than a cheap copycat.  And who the HELL made the furniture in the training tower suite?!  They just have to be my interior designers!  It really conveyed the whole idea of "This is Panem, these are the Districts, this is the Capitol, this is the Arena."  Really well done, guys!  I'd give the design and aesthetic an A+!

            As a for warning those of you people who have yet to see the film but already read the book:  It's definitely different, so don't expect the crew to have it done exactly the same as the novel.  There are going to be scenes missing and items that are different, so try not to nitpick.  Rather, let the interpretation guide you through a similar path of the story, one where you can still experience Katniss' terror, yet  be able to look at what's happening in the background.

            All in all, the book is a must-read, and the film is a must-see. 8.7 stars out of 10!

            P.S. HOLY SHIT!  I didn't expect Cinna to look like an alternate reality version of LENNY MASTER-BATING KRAVITZ!  *FLAILS*