Life On Hoth: When Snow Just Keeps Inviting Its Relatives

            I know I promised y'all my friend's guest blog post, but for technical reasons, he wasn't exactly able to make a draft for me.  Not to mention he has a job now, so he'll have less time to do the post.  So, I suggest that we all wait patiently for him as I share my bullshit with you to tide you over until then.  The optional theme song for this week is a Red Hot Chili Peppers "Snow" Remix.

            If you haven't read my post about the Polar Vortex from earlier this year that made just being outside completely dangerous, I suggest you PAUSE on reading this current post in order to catch up on weather issues.

            All caught up now?  Good.  *AHEM!*

            Being a resident of the Northeastern (specifically Mid-Atlantic) region of the United States does have its perks a bit, mostly because we actually get all four seasons: Spring, Summer, Autumn/Fall, and Winter actually take place here.  I've experienced heat waves, the odd stray hurricane, freezing cold and snow, as well as unusual weather patterns such as tornadoes north of me in the mountains and the unusual declaration from school of "flood days".  But right now, everything seems off balance thanks to the fuckers who are not helping us at least slow down the global warming we have inflicted upon the planet.  Not only do we have more and more dangerously hot weather every Summer (which should just be called Tatooine season at this rate), but now we are facing a ridiculous Winter.  In fact, I'm pretty sure that this is why Punxsutawney Phil, the famous meteorological groundhog of PA, predicted 6 moreweeks of winter (would should just be called Hoth season at this point); I actually did wonder why he "saw his shadow", but now I know:

WE'RE NOW GETTING FUCKED IN THE FACE BY SNOWSTORMS EVERY WEEK!!!

Yes, first it was the Polar Vortex in early January; then it was Winter Storm Pax last week (which is pretty funny because it not only is Latin for "peace," but it's also the name of some gaming conventions that happen periodically every year, with PAX Prime in Seattle, PAX East Boston and now PAX Australia!), and this past weekend it's another storm called Winter Storm Quintus, which I'm sure was named after the Pennsylvania Lottery game known as Quinto!

            Since when is it okay to advertise by having snow storms be named after what you're trying to sell?  Since when is it okay to control the DAVROS-DAMN weather?!?!  I'm frustrated and tired and coming up with ridiculous conspiracy theories, because, now, the snow isn't going away!  People are barely shoveling sidewalks, putting down salt, and not giving a fuck about bus stops I use!  And that's not the only danger!

Life On Hoth Just Got a Little More Dangerous

            We've faced below freezing temperatures, sleet, freezing rain, snow, thundersnow, rain, frostbite dangers, and driving winds.  At a couple of points, it was colder here in the U.S. than in Sochi, Russia, where the Olympic Winter Games are being held (or were held if you're reading this in the future)!  But now there's another couple of issues that are not exactly being covered in the news just yet.

            For one, we've got structural damage to buildings, which is hurting business!  Yes, I said structural damage, but only because a building in Easton, PA (or its surrounding neighborhoods) has actually started to (or already did) collapse under the weight of the snow that refused to melt!  We're also running out of room to put it all!  Seriously, Mother Nature, can't you give us a fucking break?  Or did someone steal Sean Connery's weather machine and fuck around with it, making us suffer the consequences?

            You see, deep down at its core, EVERYTHING is made of the same "stuff," which scientists call matter or mass.  And you can't really just erase matter from existence; it can be transformed from one state to another, converted into energy and back, but it can't be destroyed or removed from existence all together; it just stacks itself upon itself.  All we can do with this STUFF that is currently called "snow" and "ice" is to move it, mostly onto bigger and bigger piles of snow and ice.  We're running out of room to put the snow so it can stay out of the way!  In fact, I just recently found out from sources of mine that on Saturday, February 15, 2014, the city of Bethlehem, PA, closed off part of Main St. that runs through downtown in order to remove a giant nuisance pile of snow by way of two backhoes and a dump truck!  They even closed off the bridge that goes into that section!  Which isn't helpful considering that the historic Hotel Bethlehem (complete with its own room with a "boo") is RIGHT THERE!

            One woman I've chatted with about the weather while riding home on the bus actually asked if the snow is being dumped into the river that separates South Side Bethlehem from the rest of the city.  I am not sure about this info, but I'm kind of leery about it.  You see, streets are indeed made from asphalt, but it's also often soaked in petroleum products, like oil and whatnot.  This "street-oil" is actually what lends cause to a driving phenomenon known as hydroplaning, where the car just slides along the surface of the street in wet weather with loss of traction and some control, mostly because oil tends to float on the water that seeps into the asphalt whenever it rains and lubricate the surface even further.  So, if you're plowing snow out of the way, you're also scraping up not only pieces of asphalt but this oily residue stuff with the snow.  Which means that it might not actually be safe to be dumping into the water, I fear.

            (Also, yellow snow is an issue, but it's easily identifiable, and not as prevalent as a problem.)

            But another issue with the added mass of snow that isn't melting or going anywhere at the moment is the combined weight of it.  You see, you have layers of snow and ice and snow and ice not just landing in the streets and on top of cars, but also on top of buildings.  It's not necessary to remove snow from the rooftops—that is, unless the structure of the building is unable to hold the weight of the snow.

            Just this past Tuesday (February 18, 2014), a carousel building at the old, abandoned, historic, hard-to-restore amusement park known as Bushkill Park actually collapsed under the weight of the snow.  I kid you not, I was like, "NOOOOO!" because I actually went there and skated at the roller rink!  It's like, your favorite tree on your property getting cut down and it stings quite a bit because it was a part of your life.  At least the carousel wasn't damaged and nobody was hurt; in fact, the carousel wasn't even there: it was sold a long time ago already, according to my half-Vulcan Spockish father.

            I also heard from him that fairly recently, in the Bethlehem area, the 24-hour Wegman's off of Center St. had a collapse scare.  One day, the manager showed up to work to find out that the steel pillars of +25 roof support that are located throughout the store have started to flex "near the roof"!  I'm not making this up!  He actually freaked out a bit and said, "WE  NEED THIS CHECKED OUT!"  The fire department showed up and kicked everybody out for safety reasons!  The store was closed for 17 hours (overnight) while the employees and manager had to wait for an assessment of the structure by an inspector.  The inspector said that the place will hold the weight, despite the weirdness of FLEXING STEEL POLES (that aren't from Poland; sorry for the stupid pun), and they reopened at 2:30 PM EST on Sunday, February 16th, reassuring everyone that it will be okay.  However, I'm typing this while having images in my head of that Wegman's being the center of a story about how an inspector gave the green light on the structural safety, only to have the building collapse days later with some casualties.  Of course, this was out of concern thanks to media influence sensationalizing such stories and making it near impossible to think "Just fucking trust the inspector," without thinking about the possibility of false structural positives turning into bad news for people working in that building as it collapses onto their heads.

            So I beg you, with this in mind, BE CAREFUL!  Make sure that the tops of your cars, trucks, buses, SUVs, etc, are cleared off so you don't wind up killing people with frozen blocks of snow falling off the roof of the vehicles/shipping containers/buses on bridges only to slam into the cars trying to pass underneath.  Stay warm, and make sure you keep an extra supply of tauntauns on hand and share if people need them!

BONUS!  Ascent of the Cubes: A Way to Make Sure You Don't Go to Bed On Time

Oh, my...Davros/Cthulhu!  This poster is full of WIN!

            Just recently, I've been listening to one particular episode of the Nerdist podcast over and over (because I enjoyed it a lot), with Dr. Neil DeGrasse Tyson as the guest.  And in the episode, he described higher spacial dimensionality.  Please, allow me to share his ideas so that you may experience the liquification of your brain!

CLICK HERE TO EXPLORE THE ASCENT OF THE CUBES!!!!

            Once you've listened to that, let's take it further: if the four-dimensional cube has eight three-dimensional cubes as boundaries, isn't the five-dimensional cube bounded by ten four-dimensional cubes, which each have eight three-dimensional cubes as boundaries?  *offers tissues for bleeding noses and painkillers for readers who can't quite grasp that concept*  It's so crazy to think about!

            Anyways, I shall leave you writhing in agony like that, while I go hunt down some chocolate to celebrate a belated Singles Awareness Day by myself.  Please don't hate me for making your brain constipated.

            ENJOY YOUR FIVE-DIMENSIONAL TACQUITOS! #boobs #EXCELSIOR!

My Ass Is Frozen, Along With the Rest of the Northeastern and Midwestern United States

This entry's theme song is "Frozen" by Celldweller!

            In case you haven't been paying attention to the news these past few days, it's DANGEROUSLY COLD outside as of lately!  I kid you not, I watched the 11pm (EST) News on ABC on Monday, January 6, 2014, and they're talking about the dangers of frostbite!  Later on, I caught a new episode of The Colbert Report (with extra enunciation on the T in "Report" because I'm rebellious like that; I apologize that there are advertisements) on Comedy Central, and host Stephen Colbert, the conservative good buddy you don't want to invite to your funeral, actually covered not only how frozen the Northeast and Midwest States are but also how the news outlets are referring to it as a Polar Vortex, and how there could be an appearance of "thunder snow".

            Last I checked, this ain't typical for the Northern half of the continental US.  Also, this ain't Antarctica!  So, let's examine this phenomenon of not only freezing your balls off with freak weather that's as a result of ongoing climate change due to global warming, but also the media hype and response of the Internet in regards to the terminology!

Polar Vortex: Where People Turn Into Walking Flesh Popsicles and SyFy Gets a New Movie

            Remember Sharknado?  With the stupid pseudo-logic of having a freak tornado attack a small beachfront town with the prolonged spiral tilt-a-whirl transportation of an infinite amount of Great White Sharks that are often tossed at people on the ground to consume them in grotesque violence only to die later on because they're not in water? (WARNING!  Trailer has violence!)

            Guess what?  Sharknado has a new best friend, besides the SyFy Movie directors and producers and actors and writers.  And its name is Polar Vortex, a movie that has the same premise, but actually takes place in New York City; and instead of it being a tornado breezing through Arizona or New Mexico or wherever Sharknado took place, chucking sharks at various structures and humans fighting the laws of physics of a shark hurtling at them at top speeds, it's a tornado that destroys Manhattan, Queens and the Bronx with ice, snow, rabid zombie penguins, and even angry genetically enhanced POLAR BEARS!

            The Deep Freeze of 2014 (as CNN calls it) is already being blamed for 6 deaths, and thousands upon thousands of flights are canceled not only yesterday but also today!  Schools closed and had delayed starts in some cases, the people living on the streets are being brought in from the cold (which is a good thing--help them out, y'all!), AmTrak trains were stuck and stranded because of the snow and ice blanketing the tracks, and even the window inside my apartment that has my air conditioner in it (that I can't remove because once it's in, it stays in until I move out of my apartment, and has caulked plexiglass instead of the accordion type of shutters) is howling because of the insane winds.  Hell, all 50 states (including Hawaii) are seeing below freezing temperatures!  That's worse than spending an Ice Age on Hoth!  I swear, I'm going to freeze my ass off as I walk to and from the library and while traveling to The Underground Lair to check out how Dan and Kris are doing.  It'll take every hot chocolate packet I have to stay warm here in my supser-frozen sector here in the Northeast!

            But according to some meteorologists (weather scientists, in derpish), the frigid air is cycling like the vortex of a hurricane.  That's probably the origin of the term "polar vortex," which, in the opinion of Stephen Colbert and myself, sounds more like a fictional "hadoken" type of attack one might see as part of a Mortal Kombat finishing move!  Of course, these meteorologists also mentioned the inconceivable term "Thunder Snow," which is actually the name of my metal Arctic Monkeys cover band.  (A little Paul and Storm for you)

            But seriously, why the fuck is this happening?!

It's Global Warming, Idiots!

            Has anyone ever considered that these unusually low temperatures (that have actually reached -6° Fahrenheit in Pittsburgh, by the way) are extreme weather patterns as a result of global warming?  Or is this notification not enough to say, "Hey!  Let's not ruin our planet anymore!"?

            Or do they need to read my blog entry again?

            I've said it before and I'll say it again: get to recycling and using recycled materials, get to saving gas, redo all the restaurants' waste disposal systems, and use sustainable resources and renewable energy sources!  It will benefit everyone in the long run, even if many people blind themselves with the idea that "Global warming is a lie, let's go joy riding in my H2 Hummer, which I lined with baby seal leather and padded with baby bald eagle down!  I can afford the consequences like I can afford the platinum rims on my tires!"

            No, no you can't.  The damage is not affordable like that, asshats.  Also, shut up.

            Do it for the babies in the Polar Vortexed areas of North America, so they don't freeze to death!

Freezing Your Ass Off: The Worst Diet Plan Ever

            In the meantime, how about I supply tips to survive this weather?

Ø  Make sure you have enough hot water; occasionally run it in sinks and bathtubs and shower heads to keep pipes from freezing if they haven't already.

Ø  Keep hair dryers on hand if you have them; use on water pipes if they freeze up.

Ø  Have plenty of moisturizing lotions, ointments and lip balms in possesion to keep your skin and lips from drying out.

Ø  Make sure you keep at least 9 days of non-perishable foods on hand in case you're in the harder hit areas or the middle of nowhere.

Ø  Keep heating packs on hand, especially reusable ones!  If you don't have any, try making your own!  Sew together bean bags (with extremely durable not melty fabrics) that have lots of uncooked rice in it, with optional (and recommended) dry potpourri inside; this way, you can warm them up in the microwave as many times as much is you want, as long as you don't smoke out the microwave.  (Trust me, smoking out the microwave ain't good; I did it at my parents' house and we had to zap bowls of vinegar in the microwave, and the smell of vinegar didn't go away for months!  Or it could be that we got used to it…)

Ø  Layer up if you have to go outside!  Wear t-shirts on top of t-shirts, sweatshirts under coats, and cover up as much skin as possible!  Exposed skin will certainly be in danger of frostbite, so wear gloves, scarves, hats under hoods, etc, when you're outside, and make sure that you do not stay outside for longer than it hurts!  In the Pocono, Erie, Pittsburgh, and Scranton/Wilkes Barre regions, that maximum time is 15 minutes!  If you have to travel, use a bus or car with heating because you'll never be able to survive walking or biking everywhere.  (I don't recommend skiing or snowboarding at this time.  Maybe later this month, when it's not this dangerously cold….)

Ø  Keep your gas tanks filled and start warming up your cars up to 10 minutes before you have to leave for whatever!

Ø  Make sure you have a ton of blankets and slippers in your possession because they will become your best friends and lovers.

Ø  Do not call your mother complaining about the cold and asking her to fix it!  (Unless you want to compliment her--that works!)  However, DO call her to check to see if she's okay.  If it's your father, do it for him too!  It's attainable as long as they don't pester you about your responsibilities in your home.  Especially every morning.

Ø  Use heaters when you're home, and make sure that your fuel-powered generators and heaters have sufficient ventilation (including fireplaces).  Also, keep any and all flammable materials away from them all, because you do not want firefighters to set fire to fire hydrants in order to put out the flames that occupy what's left of your dwelling!

Ø  Dress your dogs in sweaters and jackets made for them if you're going out, and make it quick; don't do long walks together to the dog park--you'll wind up with frozen hot dogs if you do.  Also, bring in any cats of yours that are outdoor cats; they wouldn't survive.  Bring any stray animals to shelters if you come across them (unless you have allergies, that's when you have someone else do it for 10 or 20 bucks).

Ø  If all else fails, kill a tauntaun and climbinside; stay there until Thursday.  Or turn into a Wookie.  Either one is cool!  (Unintentional pun)

            I hope you stay warm and stay inside!  It isn't worth the pain to turn into living popsicles unless you're a reporter covering the weather and cursing your need to go in to work.  Good luck, reporters and journalists!  Keep plenty of coffee and hot chocolate on hand if you have to do on location reports!  *Wookie sounds*

P.S.  OMG, I posted the movie poster on twitter and got some responses!  And Jeri Ryan retweeted to me and responded!  Thank you to everyone for making my poster viral! :D

@LadyEden1337 @neilhimself @David_Tennant ok, that’s pretty epic. ;-)
— Jeri Ryan (@JeriLRyan) January 8, 2014

Also, this tweet won the Internets for about an hour or so yesterday....

This Polar Vortex is either hella’ global warming side effects or Disney has really outdone their viral campaign for Frozen.
— Katie Cook (@katiecandraw) January 8, 2014

Keep 'em coming!