This entry's theme song is "Frozen" by Celldweller!
In case you
haven't been paying attention to the news these past few days, it's DANGEROUSLY
COLD outside as of lately! I kid you
not, I watched the 11pm (EST) News on ABC on Monday, January 6,
2014, and they're talking about the dangers of frostbite! Later on, I caught a new episode of The Colbert Report (with extra enunciation on the T in "Report" because
I'm rebellious like that; I apologize that there are advertisements) on Comedy Central, and host Stephen Colbert, the
conservative good buddy you don't want to invite to your funeral, actually
covered not only how frozen the Northeast and Midwest States are but also how
the news outlets are referring to it as a Polar Vortex, and how there could be
an appearance of "thunder snow".
Last I
checked, this ain't typical for the Northern half of the continental US. Also, this ain't Antarctica! So, let's examine this phenomenon of not only
freezing your balls off with freak weather that's as a result of ongoing
climate change due to global warming, but also the media hype and response of
the Internet in regards to the terminology!
Polar Vortex: Where People Turn Into Walking Flesh Popsicles and SyFy Gets a New Movie
Remember
Sharknado? With the stupid pseudo-logic
of having a freak tornado attack a small beachfront town with the
prolonged spiral tilt-a-whirl transportation of an infinite amount of Great White
Sharks that are often tossed at people on the ground to consume them in
grotesque violence only to die later on because they're not in water? (WARNING! Trailer has violence!)
Guess
what? Sharknado has a new best friend,
besides the SyFy Movie directors and producers and actors and writers. And its name is Polar Vortex, a movie that
has the same premise, but actually takes place in New York City; and instead of
it being a tornado breezing through Arizona or New Mexico or wherever Sharknado
took place, chucking sharks at various structures and humans fighting the laws
of physics of a shark hurtling at them at top speeds, it's a tornado that
destroys Manhattan, Queens and the Bronx with ice, snow, rabid zombie penguins,
and even angry genetically enhanced POLAR BEARS!
But
according to some meteorologists (weather scientists, in derpish), the frigid
air is cycling like the vortex of a hurricane.
That's probably the origin of the term "polar vortex," which,
in the opinion of Stephen Colbert and myself, sounds more like a fictional
"hadoken" type of attack one might see as part of a Mortal Kombat
finishing move! Of course, these
meteorologists also mentioned the inconceivable term "Thunder Snow,"
which is actually the name of my metal Arctic Monkeys cover band. (A little Paul and Storm for you)
But
seriously, why the fuck is this happening?!
It's Global Warming, Idiots!
Has anyone
ever considered that these unusually low temperatures (that have actually
reached -6°
Fahrenheit in Pittsburgh, by the way) are extreme weather patterns as a result
of global warming? Or is this
notification not enough to say, "Hey!
Let's not ruin our planet anymore!"?
Or do they
need to read my blog entry again?
No, no you
can't. The damage is not affordable like
that, asshats. Also, shut up.
Do it for
the babies in the Polar Vortexed areas of North America, so they don't freeze
to death!
Freezing Your Ass Off: The Worst Diet Plan Ever
In the
meantime, how about I supply tips to survive this weather?
Ø
Make sure you have enough hot water;
occasionally run it in sinks and bathtubs and shower heads to keep pipes from
freezing if they haven't already.
Ø
Keep hair dryers on hand if you have them; use
on water pipes if they freeze up.
Ø
Have plenty of moisturizing lotions, ointments
and lip balms in possesion to keep your skin and lips from drying out.
Ø
Make sure you keep at least 9 days of
non-perishable foods on hand in case you're in the harder hit areas or the
middle of nowhere.
Ø
Keep heating packs on hand, especially reusable
ones! If you don't have any, try making
your own! Sew together bean bags (with
extremely durable not melty fabrics) that have lots of uncooked rice in it,
with optional (and recommended) dry potpourri inside; this way, you can warm
them up in the microwave as many times as much is you want, as long as you
don't smoke out the microwave. (Trust
me, smoking out the microwave ain't good; I did it at my parents' house and we
had to zap bowls of vinegar in the microwave, and the smell of vinegar didn't
go away for months! Or it could be that
we got used to it…)
Ø
Layer up if you have to go outside! Wear t-shirts on top of t-shirts, sweatshirts
under coats, and cover up as much skin as possible! Exposed skin will certainly be in danger of
frostbite, so wear gloves, scarves, hats under hoods, etc, when you're outside,
and make sure that you do not stay outside for longer than it hurts! In the Pocono, Erie, Pittsburgh, and
Scranton/Wilkes Barre regions, that maximum time is 15 minutes! If you have to travel, use a bus or car with
heating because you'll never be able to survive walking or biking everywhere. (I don't recommend skiing or snowboarding at
this time. Maybe later this month, when
it's not this dangerously cold….)
Ø
Keep your gas tanks filled and start warming up
your cars up to 10 minutes before you have to leave for whatever!
Ø
Make sure you have a ton of blankets and
slippers in your possession because they will become your best friends and
lovers.
Ø
Do not call your mother complaining
about the cold and asking her to fix it! (Unless you want to compliment her--that
works!) However, DO call her to check to
see if she's okay. If it's your father,
do it for him too! It's attainable as
long as they don't pester you about your responsibilities in your home. Especially every morning.
Ø
Use heaters when you're home, and make sure that
your fuel-powered generators and heaters have sufficient ventilation (including
fireplaces). Also, keep any and all
flammable materials away from them all, because you do not want firefighters to
set fire to fire hydrants in order to put out the flames that occupy what's
left of your dwelling!
Ø
Dress your dogs in sweaters and jackets made for
them if you're going out, and make it quick; don't do long walks together to
the dog park--you'll wind up with frozen hot dogs if you do. Also, bring in any cats of yours that are
outdoor cats; they wouldn't survive. Bring any stray animals to shelters if you
come across them (unless you have allergies, that's when you have someone else
do it for 10 or 20 bucks).
Ø
If all else fails, kill a tauntaun and climbinside; stay there until Thursday. Or
turn into a Wookie. Either one is
cool! (Unintentional pun)
P.S. OMG, I posted the movie poster on twitter and got some responses! And Jeri Ryan retweeted to me and responded! Thank you to everyone for making my poster viral! :D
@LadyEden1337 @neilhimself @David_Tennant ok, that’s pretty epic. ;-)
— Jeri Ryan (@JeriLRyan) January 8, 2014
Also, this tweet won the Internets for about an hour or so yesterday....
This Polar Vortex is either hella’ global warming side effects or Disney has really outdone their viral campaign for Frozen.
— Katie Cook (@katiecandraw) January 8, 2014
Keep 'em coming!
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