Wednesday, January 8, 2014

My Ass Is Frozen, Along With the Rest of the Northeastern and Midwestern United States

This entry's theme song is "Frozen" by Celldweller!

            In case you haven't been paying attention to the news these past few days, it's DANGEROUSLY COLD outside as of lately!  I kid you not, I watched the 11pm (EST) News on ABC on Monday, January 6, 2014, and they're talking about the dangers of frostbite!  Later on, I caught a new episode of The Colbert Report (with extra enunciation on the T in "Report" because I'm rebellious like that; I apologize that there are advertisements) on Comedy Central, and host Stephen Colbert, the conservative good buddy you don't want to invite to your funeral, actually covered not only how frozen the Northeast and Midwest States are but also how the news outlets are referring to it as a Polar Vortex, and how there could be an appearance of "thunder snow".

            Last I checked, this ain't typical for the Northern half of the continental US.  Also, this ain't Antarctica!  So, let's examine this phenomenon of not only freezing your balls off with freak weather that's as a result of ongoing climate change due to global warming, but also the media hype and response of the Internet in regards to the terminology!

Polar Vortex: Where People Turn Into Walking Flesh Popsicles and SyFy Gets a New Movie

            Remember Sharknado?  With the stupid pseudo-logic of having a freak tornado attack a small beachfront town with the prolonged spiral tilt-a-whirl transportation of an infinite amount of Great White Sharks that are often tossed at people on the ground to consume them in grotesque violence only to die later on because they're not in water? (WARNING!  Trailer has violence!)

            Guess what?  Sharknado has a new best friend, besides the SyFy Movie directors and producers and actors and writers.  And its name is Polar Vortex, a movie that has the same premise, but actually takes place in New York City; and instead of it being a tornado breezing through Arizona or New Mexico or wherever Sharknado took place, chucking sharks at various structures and humans fighting the laws of physics of a shark hurtling at them at top speeds, it's a tornado that destroys Manhattan, Queens and the Bronx with ice, snow, rabid zombie penguins, and even angry genetically enhanced POLAR BEARS!

            The Deep Freeze of 2014 (as CNN calls it) is already being blamed for 6 deaths, and thousands upon thousands of flights are canceled not only yesterday but also today!  Schools closed and had delayed starts in some cases, the people living on the streets are being brought in from the cold (which is a good thing--help them out, y'all!), AmTrak trains were stuck and stranded because of the snow and ice blanketing the tracks, and even the window inside my apartment that has my air conditioner in it (that I can't remove because once it's in, it stays in until I move out of my apartment, and has caulked plexiglass instead of the accordion type of shutters) is howling because of the insane winds.  Hell, all 50 states (including Hawaii) are seeing below freezing temperatures!  That's worse than spending an Ice Age on Hoth!  I swear, I'm going to freeze my ass off as I walk to and from the library and while traveling to The Underground Lair to check out how Dan and Kris are doing.  It'll take every hot chocolate packet I have to stay warm here in my supser-frozen sector here in the Northeast!

            But according to some meteorologists (weather scientists, in derpish), the frigid air is cycling like the vortex of a hurricane.  That's probably the origin of the term "polar vortex," which, in the opinion of Stephen Colbert and myself, sounds more like a fictional "hadoken" type of attack one might see as part of a Mortal Kombat finishing move!  Of course, these meteorologists also mentioned the inconceivable term "Thunder Snow," which is actually the name of my metal Arctic Monkeys cover band.  (A little Paul and Storm for you)

            But seriously, why the fuck is this happening?!

It's Global Warming, Idiots!

            Has anyone ever considered that these unusually low temperatures (that have actually reached -6° Fahrenheit in Pittsburgh, by the way) are extreme weather patterns as a result of global warming?  Or is this notification not enough to say, "Hey!  Let's not ruin our planet anymore!"?

            Or do they need to read my blog entry again?

            I've said it before and I'll say it again: get to recycling and using recycled materials, get to saving gas, redo all the restaurants' waste disposal systems, and use sustainable resources and renewable energy sources!  It will benefit everyone in the long run, even if many people blind themselves with the idea that "Global warming is a lie, let's go joy riding in my H2 Hummer, which I lined with baby seal leather and padded with baby bald eagle down!  I can afford the consequences like I can afford the platinum rims on my tires!"

            No, no you can't.  The damage is not affordable like that, asshats.  Also, shut up.

            Do it for the babies in the Polar Vortexed areas of North America, so they don't freeze to death!

Freezing Your Ass Off: The Worst Diet Plan Ever

            In the meantime, how about I supply tips to survive this weather?

Ø  Make sure you have enough hot water; occasionally run it in sinks and bathtubs and shower heads to keep pipes from freezing if they haven't already.
Ø  Keep hair dryers on hand if you have them; use on water pipes if they freeze up.
Ø  Have plenty of moisturizing lotions, ointments and lip balms in possesion to keep your skin and lips from drying out.
Ø  Make sure you keep at least 9 days of non-perishable foods on hand in case you're in the harder hit areas or the middle of nowhere.
Ø  Keep heating packs on hand, especially reusable ones!  If you don't have any, try making your own!  Sew together bean bags (with extremely durable not melty fabrics) that have lots of uncooked rice in it, with optional (and recommended) dry potpourri inside; this way, you can warm them up in the microwave as many times as much is you want, as long as you don't smoke out the microwave.  (Trust me, smoking out the microwave ain't good; I did it at my parents' house and we had to zap bowls of vinegar in the microwave, and the smell of vinegar didn't go away for months!  Or it could be that we got used to it…)
Ø  Layer up if you have to go outside!  Wear t-shirts on top of t-shirts, sweatshirts under coats, and cover up as much skin as possible!  Exposed skin will certainly be in danger of frostbite, so wear gloves, scarves, hats under hoods, etc, when you're outside, and make sure that you do not stay outside for longer than it hurts!  In the Pocono, Erie, Pittsburgh, and Scranton/Wilkes Barre regions, that maximum time is 15 minutes!  If you have to travel, use a bus or car with heating because you'll never be able to survive walking or biking everywhere.  (I don't recommend skiing or snowboarding at this time.  Maybe later this month, when it's not this dangerously cold….)
Ø  Keep your gas tanks filled and start warming up your cars up to 10 minutes before you have to leave for whatever!
Ø  Make sure you have a ton of blankets and slippers in your possession because they will become your best friends and lovers.
Ø  Do not call your mother complaining about the cold and asking her to fix it!  (Unless you want to compliment her--that works!)  However, DO call her to check to see if she's okay.  If it's your father, do it for him too!  It's attainable as long as they don't pester you about your responsibilities in your home.  Especially every morning.
Ø  Use heaters when you're home, and make sure that your fuel-powered generators and heaters have sufficient ventilation (including fireplaces).  Also, keep any and all flammable materials away from them all, because you do not want firefighters to set fire to fire hydrants in order to put out the flames that occupy what's left of your dwelling!
Ø  Dress your dogs in sweaters and jackets made for them if you're going out, and make it quick; don't do long walks together to the dog park--you'll wind up with frozen hot dogs if you do.  Also, bring in any cats of yours that are outdoor cats; they wouldn't survive.  Bring any stray animals to shelters if you come across them (unless you have allergies, that's when you have someone else do it for 10 or 20 bucks).
Ø  If all else fails, kill a tauntaun and climbinside; stay there until Thursday.  Or turn into a Wookie.  Either one is cool!  (Unintentional pun)

            I hope you stay warm and stay inside!  It isn't worth the pain to turn into living popsicles unless you're a reporter covering the weather and cursing your need to go in to work.  Good luck, reporters and journalists!  Keep plenty of coffee and hot chocolate on hand if you have to do on location reports!  *Wookie sounds*

P.S.  OMG, I posted the movie poster on twitter and got some responses!  And Jeri Ryan retweeted to me and responded!  Thank you to everyone for making my poster viral! :D
Also, this tweet won the Internets for about an hour or so yesterday....
Keep 'em coming!