Confessions at 4AM Eastern Standard Time on a Monday

Theme for this blog post is "First Sleep" by Cliff Martinez.

            Even as I battle my desires to keep myself awake later and later, I am currently typing this as a sort of…. outlet to vent my complex thoughts.  I say complex because simple thoughts would be like, "FOOD!  SLEEP!  SEX!" all thanks to the lizardy little brains known as the amygdala, which I consider to be the primitive core of our oniony layered thoughts, but beyond that, I have to get this out of my head, so feel free to ignore this post.  I'm sure people are like, "What the fuck?!  Did she give up already?!" when they see that I haven't posted in 2 weeks since the whole freezing-my-ass-off Polar Vortex post.  The answer to that second question is "No, I have not," because I really haven't given up, with a lack of an answer to the first question (I don't know how to answer it, to be honest.).  Sometimes it's hard to just come up with a simple blog topic to write about (hence the need to publish a Life List that, by the way, as a note to my parents, is NOT a Christmas wish list!  I appreciate the Erica loom; but to be honest, a Jack loom and its accompanying warping pegs and appropiate weaving threads would actually do the job better, if I had the space.  Though I wouldn't mind escaping to that weaving-spinning retreat we checked out, that I called "Mom's incarnation of 'Meltdown Comics'."  Remember that one, Mom?  With the bumper stickers?  And the giant classrooms of looms and spindle thingies, tucked away in the middle of 'Merican Fahmland in PA somewhere?  That Dad doesn't really care for very much?  Oh, never mind.  I'm rambling again…..).

            Right now, I will say that my parents were on an extended quest where I couldn't exactly contact them for more money.  They had to maintain "radio silence" of a sort, unless they wanted to spend $8 USD per minute, which meant "DO NOT CALL UNLESS IT'S AN EMERGENCY!".  (Yes, I said American dollars via acronym.  Hello to you too, Finnish and British and other peoples in the world!  I hope the Google translator add-on is working well for you….)  So far, maintaining my apartment without them isn't doing very well.  Though I do hope to make it so they can feel happy upon their return by having a clean apartment, clean clothes, clean everything.  I also will say that I've failed to resume taking my medications after returning home from Christmas.  Though I think I've figured out a way to resume my methods of RPGing my life.

            In case you haven't noticed or read before on this blog of mine, I am trying out Nerdism, where I practice using my Nerdy skills with help from Chris Hardwick's book, which is fittingly titled The Nerdist Way.  In it, I've learned one way to structure my life: by turning it into an RPG (roleplaying game, not rocket-propelled grenade, for those not familiar with the Nerdy lingo).  Pencil-and-paper roleplaying games have been around for decades, and it seems as though that the desire for obtaining experience points (XP) would be motivation enough for us Nerds.  It has worked for me!  I was motivated!  And then Christmas and New Year's came around and everything fell apart for a bit.  But I'm ready to get back into the saddle of the tauntaun I've fallen off of.  And once I've managed to complete all of the exercises listed in the book, I'll review it.  Soon, Big C, I shall pass judgement!….

            But anyways, I do have hopes that this new year will be better than the past one.  Despite 2013 being the Year of the Doctor with the epic 50th anniversary (and the year Chris Hardwick turned 42--I hope you remember, Big C, that 42 is the Answer!  It's your year of enlightenment, Nerd-bro!), I am glad to have a new year to start off with.  If only all the advertisers would STOP using "New year, new you," all the time!  It's overused, overplayed, and overall, too annoying to ever utter again!

            So, yes, I have quests I've appointed to myself for this year: time management, regularly MED-I-CA-TING with my prescription drugs, organization, cleanliness, Life List activities, blogging, health/fitness improvements, socializing, etc, which have been the same as I've started with my life-RPG Character Tome.  Though specific ones might include tasks the I've put as objectives on my as-of-yet still-a-draft Life List, with additions and amendments that include dressing up in costume to attend the Cons, meeting CMNeir at PAX Prime, as well as @cwgabriel and @h_e_e_l_s, and meeting Zak Bagans and Nick Groff at Scarefest (and getting them to autograph my copies of their books), chilling with Big C and Wil Wheaton at The Underground Lair (also having Chris autograph my copy of his book), making an appearance on the Traveling the Vortex podcast (with permission from Glenn and company), and even getting Internet access back at my apartment so as to not just regain a sense of sanity and purpose for myself, but also to stop driving people on Second Life so crazy with my absence! (People on SL really do miss me, Mom and Dad!  Plus, I've yet to get all the updates for plugins, programs and the operating system itself, for which I need Internet access--and hours of it, too, because it would take FOREVER to get it all done!  Don't worry, I won't go overboard this time, as I've also got some real life quests I need to complete!  So, I will not allow myself to be so shut-in all the time.)

            But anyways, I've been thinking about things, being philosophical and deep about my thoughts so late-in-the-night/early-in-the-morning and I'm trying to quash it all with music, while regretting what I did to my saucepan and what I am doing fairly poorly in terms of bill-paying.  L  I have to motivate myself into taking care of it and no matter what, I realize that I have to take that goddamn first step.  And the second step after it.  And I have to make sure that I have to do it off of a cliff so I can keep going--because if I do it on a flat bit of ground, I'll wind up being worn down by the initial inertia and loss of kinetic energy due to gravity.  If I step off of a figurative cliff that has a trampoline at the base in the splatty-landing zone, sort of, I'll keep going, because, again, inertia will be in effect thanks to gravity using all of its attractive force on me.  This is what helped me realize that what I face in terms of lack of motivation isn't really a wall, but rather a scary looking cliff that has my self-preserving amygdalae gripping the emergency brakes with iron(ic) fists of steely fear.  And so, I just have to make like Morpheus and just fucking JUMP ALREADY YOU WIMP!--at least I can hope for  wings or a bouncy asphalt landing that will help me not die a figurative death (death being failing completely).

            Also, I have been watching movies and television series on DVDs that I borrow from the library and hopefully return on time.  I hope the library enjoyed spending my $25 and change (again, USD) on the Torchwood series, though I do hope they get my next bit of "misguided funds raised by having fines" and set it aside for new computers.  Because the ones I'm using at the library are 10 years old, and nowadays, that's REALLY old, like nearly obsolete!  They're due for replacements no matter what!  And I'm hoping they get really good ones from Hewlett-Packard because they're better than Dell's cheap shitty ones.   I have an HP desktop PC and I'm happy with it (though it still needs updates and a graphics card, not a graphics driver because THEY'RE NOT THE SAME THING, DAD, THE SO-CALLED COMPUTER WIZARD!).  A side note in terms of Mac-vs.-PC: AREN'T THEY THE SAME THING?!  I mean, come on!  A Mac is actually a specific kind (or brand) of personal computer, which is actually what PC stands for!  All Macs are PCs but not all PCs are Macs!  Just don't get aggressively all "MAC IS BETTER!" at me because I will use your Mac book or Mac desktop computer or even i-Whatevers to hit you over the head!  Mostly because I'm tired of it all.  I

respect Steve Jobs and all because he's one major motherfucker in the world of Nerds, like he's of god-status (mostly due to how he kept following his Nerdy dreams) but also, he helped Pixar (now Disney-Pixar) to get the ball to keep rolling and he was also a philanthropist!  It's a shame that he passed away, but now he's everywhere, analyzing how his products are doing in terms of porn-viewing and being cum-stain resistant, and he will make notes that he passes on to the current head developers at Apple.  I would've enjoyed his products more if he was from Hawai'i and named the company PineApple Inc., but I digress.

            Anyways, I am still working on listening to the Nerdist podcast series from the very first episode from 2010.  I've managed to download up to 103 episodes from the Nerdist website, direct two mega-fans of certain celebrity figures to the episodes these figures were on (@CMNeir loves Harrison Ford and @ItsBondageLoki adores Tom Hiddleston, so I'm sure I got favor points from them on a small level.), and I'm trying to get the next batch (which will be today while publishing this blog post and battling the evil lag monster) with the benefits of picking and choosing starting with number 143.  It's because of this podcast that I learned about The Nerdist Way and I'm happy to have found out about this text.  I'm also happy to have my Doctor Who cookbook complete with a chapter on Fish fingers and custard recipes!  #random

            So, with self-improvement being one of my main themes this year, I shall bid you "adieu" and "good night" as I try to not fuck up my circadian rhythms any more than they already have.

            In the meantime, LOOK ALIVE and ENJOY YOUR TACQUITO! #boobs  #EXCELSIOR!

P.S. Later on, after drafting up this blog post, I tried going to bed, missed out on my therapy appointment, and had an unusual experience: I've been trying to fall asleep  in bed, and it didn't help that I allowed myself to be distracted (again) by Twitter, searching for song titles to go with this blog post with the theme of "I messed up, I'm up late, I need to sleep BUT no matter what, I'm GOING to make it all better!"  So, I'm in bed, and the door is slightly open so I that can sort of hear stuff happening in the living room with my non-batty ears (Yes, slightly deaf, as I cannot wear my hearing aids in bed) such as people from building management (specifically Brad) and maintenance (Jim from Flushing who fixed my toilet!) and for the building's fire alarm.  But I don't know what happened next, as I've been trying to fall asleep and it could be my mind playing tricks on me--or it could've been the apparition of a ghost.  I'm half-asleep and I see through the crack this older man peering at me in my bed (not pervy-like) from my living room (or the other side) through the cracked open doorway.  I was startled to fully awake panic mode, and there was nobody there!  NOBODY!  I checked to see if anyone was out in the hallway but nobody was there.  I was like, "W-WHAT THE F-FUCKY SHITTENSTEIN…..WHA-WHAT?!" and relayed this to my therapist; he has no idea what happened in that moment.  I have 3 possible theories as to what actually happened: 1.) I was half asleep and my fear of being caught off-guard for inspection allowed me to HAL-LU-CI-NATE the image of this older man looking at me. 2.) Someone was actually there, but I was already asleep and too late to catch them out in the hallway.  (Which is not likely.)  3.) My being half-asleep allowed me to view the full-bodied apparition of the ghost of this older man who could've been a neighbor or former tenant who died in my apartment or on the floor that I'm on or another floor in the same building.  (It's possible--I did have a neighbor who died of old age fairly recently, as it's a senior apartment building.  Whether that's grounds for there to be paranormal activity, I'm not sure.)

            Whatever was going on, I don't know.  But it was unusual.  I don't normally HAL-LU-CI-NATE and if I did, my parents could be like, "WE MUST QUESTION THE STAFF AND THE NEIGHBORS!  WE MUST MAKE THIS RIGHT AND SEEK REPARATIONS AND SOLUTIONS FOR THIS!"  Because they're likely to read this, Mom, Dad, I'm fine.  I was just startled by something that wasn't there (or something that could've been there).  Please don't freak out, because freaking out over this is NOT HELPFUL!  Anyways, I must flee because I'm sure that by the time I publish this post, the system at the library is counting down.


So, later, Dalek-dudes!