Dalekmas/Nerdmas/Sithmas Holiday Gift Guide!

            I hope you've excused me for my previous blog post about my having the universal-scale existential crisis.  I'm mostly over it now, thank goodness!  I've just been feeling dwarfed and nihilistic about our existence, how we got here and how we currently impact the universe on a less-than-microscopic scale, and just making me nuts over it all.  I'm also sorry for making you feel whatever you felt then; the feeling is still there, but only if I focus on it.  If I continue to focus on it, my philosophy will develop into nihilism, and that's not good.  I should not allow that to happen—nobody should.  That's basically defeatist programming, like "Why should I do this and why do I care?  I shouldn't care, because it doesn't matter in the grandest scale of things, which makes my actions and choices completely pointless."  That's not what I'm really about, especially when it comes to living with at least one disability.  I should make my choices matter, and I should put effort into making them matter to, at the very, very, most absolutely least, me.

            I've also had other crazy realizations that relate to a certain so-called "intelligent race" or "people".  Let me tell you something: the Borg are evil!!!!!  I mean, come on!  They're too dangerous to be interacting with anyone!  All they want to do is force you to become like them!  Where's the individuality?  Where's the freedom?!  WHERE'S THE EXTERMINATION?!?!?!  The cybermen wannabes just assimilate, assimilate, assimilate, and they have no respect for our rights!  And someone please extract Locutus from their systems!  We don't need his influence on our population!  All we need is for him to show up and before you know it, nerds are lining up and volunteering to be assimilated!  They are not safe!  Just stay away, y'all!  If you come across any Borg (not including Seven of Nine--she's hawwwt!), RUN!!!! RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!! Do not stop, do not take pictures, do not pass Go, do not collect $200, do not do anything except RUN!!!!!

            Anyways, I'm upset about the whole justice system, especially surrounding Sue the T-Rex and the subject of the documentary Dinosaur 13 (which you should watch!) and around the whole racial profiling thing, as well as the torture report (reporture?) release.  Many people are speaking out about these issues—but I don't want to right now!  It's the fucking HOLIDAYS!  We should be putting these issues off until AFTER New Year's Day (not the spending bill—Congress should just pay the Davros-damn bill already), especially the protests!  My condolences DO go out to the families of the dead victims; I just don't want to hear about more riots and more protests and to have every hour being dedicated to the horrors of our country and the world!

            I think that I've already done a Christmas Music playlist post (with apologies for broken embedded videos) so instead, I should give you a Nerdy holiday gift guide!  It's the guidelines for gift-giving for nerdy people (especially to nerdy people), chiefly if you have a nerdy friend you don't really get—they can create the connection; you don't need to understand it, but it does help to write down the details and hand it to some salesperson saying, "I don't get this thing, but my friend does.  Do you have anything that fits this criteria?"  It doesn't hurt to ask for that kind of help!

            Of course, I'm providing some of the cool Christmas Music playlist post in playlist form for your optional blog post theme song to listen to while reading!

Let's get geeky, shall we?

ThinkGeek—The Store Site Powered by Monkey Awesomeness and Unicorn Magic

            If you haven't known about ThinkGeek before, you have to!!!  Seriously, it's my favorite online retailer!  They have so many cool gadgets and things that make reference to all of these really geeky, nerdy genres and the different shows and other fun cool subjects such as BACON and Zombie preparedness and roleplaying games!

            I've never been exceptionally dissatisfied by their products.  Sure, you gotta be careful about who you send your e-gift certificate to (and make sure that the e-mail is spelled properly, even though PROPER grammatical spelling doesn't matter when setting it up—which makes e-mails weird), but their customer service is awesome, they have gift certificates, they have all this very fun stuff!

            Here's a list of the stuff I (along with family members) amassed from their depository so far (of which all are awesome):

• Butterfly Knife-styled bottle opener
• a Book of Secrets
• an LED light-up Critical Hit D20 die
• a Brewzkey key ring bottle/can opener
• Japanese abacus
• Flip Flop solar plant
• Star Wars Death Star Ice Mold (THAT'S NO PLUTO! A joke for Dr. Tyson and Bad Astronomer….)
• Science beaker mug
• Constellations heat-change mug
• Gear ties
• "You read my mug/That's enough social interaction for one day" mug
• 50-year monthly calendar (complete with leap years)
• Bacon bandages (with shitty adhesive)
• Ninja fighting nunchuck chopsticks
• Astronaut ice cream (edible, seriously!)
• Mini-duct tape in black
• Unicorn drinking horn—a MUST-HAVE! And drinking A-Treat red cream soda out of it is like drinking unicorn blood….YOU GET SO MUCH MANA!!!!
• TARDIS night light—perfect for those times you have to wake up in the night to use the restroom and aren't ready to be awake yet
• TARDIS "It's what's on the inside that counts" t-shirt
• Boxes the stuff comes in that I can use for storage!
• A "Become a Laird or Lady" kit—which I will get into later (I'm wondering if a square-foot of land in Scotland counts as an asset, despite it being a cool Kickstarter-like fundraising project. Should I also tell apartment management about this? Very important questions I must ask!)

Not only have I been doing awesome in getting my stuff in a very timely manner (four business days for me), but I've not been disappointed so far!  The customer service people are all very friendly and understanding, and they are available not only by phone or e-mail or snail-mail, but also through live-chats!  And setting up an account is free!  It's not a subscription service, and having an account will not only allow you to order quickly, but also set up wish lists your family members can see so that you don't have to flood their Facebook feeds or e-mail inboxes with links saying, "I NEEDS DIS TO FEEL WHOLE AGAIN!  Or I'll stab you with a unicorn horn!"  (Ha!  I'll never stab anyone with a unicorn horn!  Unless it's a creature powered by dark magic—THEN I'll get unicorn-stabby!)  Plus, you can get POINTS!  Similar to the shamefully canceled Subway points club thing, you can redeem these points along with a purchase of a certain amount for a FREE ITEM!  It accumulates with every purchase, so as soon as I hit 1 million points, I'LL GET SHOVELING!!!!  (I don't know what that would mean….)

            Seriously, ThinkGeek staff-members are lovely.  And they're fun!   Sure, they set up their site so they're "selling" fake products for a nonsensical amount of money (usually over $9,000!!!) on April Fool's Day (like so many awesome sites do—only they're willing to have it get made as soon as a shit ton of people click the "PLEASE MAKE THIS FUCKING THING!" button…), but they're nerds LIKE US!  But with a cool fun job!  Seriously, if they have a job I could do from home, I'd jump on!......as soon as the student loans disappear!  Sheesh, sending them into a black hole takes a lot longer than I thought!  Damn you, spaghettification and event horizon complications!  *shakes fist at the loans and troublesome astrophysical stuff*  Oh, well; they'll soon antimatter to me!  LOL!

            (If you're in a rush, there's two-day shipping!  Just make sure to order by 1pm _ST so that it gets to you on time; free shipping is available on orders over $40 or some other price, since it changes a lot!)

Link to web site: http://www.thinkgeek.com

            But, yeah—maybe it's not just a tangible object that you should get that nerdy person….Maybe just registering some Scottish land for a title or getting ownership of a star (in outer space; I don't mean Hollywood…or either of the Captain Kirks….) will be super meaningful!

"That's LADY Eden!" (When Buying Land Means Saving a Castle—And Other Cool Stuff)

            While trawling through the ThinkGeek Clearance Savannah, wearing khaki shorts and explorer hats while carrying around a pair of binoculars and a high-definition camera, I found this one AWESOME-WITHOUT-GETTING-IT-YET kit called "Become a Laird or Lady Gift Box".  Yeah, there's a kit that consists of a tin containing documents that have information and a registration form where you can register the gift in order to get what the kit offers: a square-foot of land in Scotland on the grounds of Dunans Castle (SHUDDUP, SPELLCHECK!), which allows you to use the title "Laird," which literally means "landowner"; of course, as a female member of the Scottish landowner population (with no Scottish heritage, only English—sorry!), I'd be allowed to use the designation, "Laird of Dunans," (which is not the same thing as "Lord," because "Lord" is a British aristocratic title) but it's equally acceptable to use the title "Lady of Dunans"—which is how I'm getting registered as, getting my non-developable square-foot somewhere on the estate, along with a free tour for two adults and lifetime access to the ravine on the Dunans side, along with fishing rights (by appointment), special stationery, including business cards, letterheads and compliment slips, my own email, access to a special "Lairds and Ladies Only" area of the Dunans Lairds' website.

            I'm sure you're like, "Wait, what?!  Scottish land is for sale?!" but let me back up a bit: There's a castle in Scotland (yes, the same Scotland that recently voted "no" for independence from the UK) called Dunans Castle.  In 2001, the castle was destroyed by a fire—this castle, with recorded history going back to 1590(!!!!!), was damaged badly by a fire!  Which SUCKS!  It's like Tom Wilson's paintings at this one Disney Gallery going up in flames—horribly destructive!  But it's on the rebound: the current owners of the estate took on the property in 2003, restoring and renovating it, finally opening it up to the public in 2006.  There's still a lot of restoration going on, which can get expensive.  That's why there's this crazy fundraiser going on through Gift Republic; basically, you send money to get a registration and information kit, with a form which you fill out and send back or complete online (which is quicker), and upon receipt, you get your certificate and card for proof and "directions to Dunans".  I'm sure those are instructions like, "Head East through New Jersey," and then, "Kayak across the Atlantic Ocean."  But don't worry if you are nearing the end of your life: you can pass it on to someone else; it's inheritable (provided that Dunans is informed of the changes)!  I only need to figure out if it's considered an asset or something to report to the American government or whatever, regarding income……

            Other gift tins from Gift Republic:

• "Name a Star"—something Matt Mira would possibly dump a ton of money on
• Become a Beer Connoisseur
• Family History kit
• Pet Paw Prints/Baby Footprints on Canvas
• Name a Rose—Ahem……MOOOOMMMMMM!!!!! We should totally do this!
• IQ Test and others

            This is all really cool stuff, even though Gift Republic is based in the UK and you have to do the exchange rate stuff to convert it to your currency and back, which is a total pain in the ass!  But I totally recommend that you get these if you can for family members and cool friends, because they would mean a LOT more than a simple trinket or foodstuff item.  Especially since stars last a lot more than square feet of land in Scotland, which lasts longer than our lives, and it'd be very useful to have!

            Surely, this suggestion would work very well……  Purely due to how awesome it is!  Unless
you think it's too much trouble……

The Underground Lair—It's NOT a Sex Dungeon, Sadly For Some People……

            How many times have I mentioned them?!  HOW MANY?!  Seriously, they have awesome shit!  They are doing GREAT!  They have artisan Harry Potter wands, artisan Sonic screwdrivers, artisan other stuff.  I just recently stopped in to chat a bit and it turns out that, despite the HORRENDOUS traffic caused by SHITTILY DRIVING tourists (who should PAY ATTENTION to make sure that they don't run a red light by just starting up again while stopped at a stoplight and the crossing signals were going with NO TURN ON RED signs all over the place….  Here's a real reason why you shouldn't be doing that, you fucking….tourists!!!  Also, a refresher on shitty driving…..), they are doing well!  They are still doing gaming night on Wednesdays, and it was fun, too!  I'm amazed at how they can run a business while having a day job—That just proves how awesome Dan and Kris are!

            And they should totally keep it going!  Like, here's how amazing business is: they recently ordered more red and purple sets of Roll-For-It (which come in two separate sets that can be combined for 8-player fun), along with the Deluxe edition, which is GORGEOUS!  This Deluxe set comes in a tin, an actual gift tin thing, and it has artistic pretty cards, with a velvet pouch and both sets of dice!  It's amazing!  And they sold out of it within a week and a half or so!!!  And now the red set is gone, the purple set is down to two left!  The game "Zombies!" has sold out, a $55 very old Apollo lunchbox was sold—OH MY GOD!  They weren't kidding when they said that business really picks up during the Christmas shopping season!

            They also have a website, and are willing to ship, I think, even though it's a pain; however, here's a tip: if you can't get it shipped in time, black out the price on a copy of the receipt, place said copy in an envelope, then the envelope in a box or a bag, and wrap as if it's a normal item!  But seriously, they have a lot of collectable stuff, they have a bunch of tribbles available for adoption—this store is very awesome!  Please, if you can get there very, very soon, just stop in on Wednesday or Thursday or whatever, you can get awesome vintage toys or Doctor Who things, or Harry Potter things.  It's very awesome!

            Anyways, I've done a ton of gushing about them—it's like…endless fansquirreling!  But seriously, check them out!  They have a JFK ceramic bank, and plastic Beatles rings still for sale; I'm not kidding!  Very good for collectors, very good for nerds, and it's all-around awesome!

            Sometimes, though, you can't just do one-time seasonal gifts (because they're easily used up) or gifts that are just toys or art; if it's the low-income nerd, I have one suggestion for you: household items.

For Gifting to the Poor Nerd……

            If anything, living on a limited income, like low-income or government assistance, can suck!  Sometimes, you have to go to the house wares department of a store and buy someone a baking sheet or a blender or even a crock pot.

            You see, it's about the usefulness.  What's the best gift to give to someone who is on the lower end of the income scale?  Something they can use for a long, long, long time.  Something like an appliance.  I can attest to this: I've received as a gift, so far, a crock pot, a blender, microwave-safe plates, and a Corelle divided plate that appeals to my OCD-fueled personal need of having different food items just not touch.  And I'm still using them!  It's the real gift that keeps on giving, and giving, and giving, and giving…..  In fact, Mama Squirrel once bought a BUNCH of 2-quart crock pots and just gave them out as Christmas gifts (I think), simply due to how there are many people we know who are by themselves or with one other person, who don't need a half-gallon, or even a gallon crock pot, especially because having that huge amount of cooked food would be too much for them and it would go to waste.

            But I'm serious, the appliance stuff and the Christmas bras from Nordstrom are super useful to me that they would be worth their value.  Anything that I can use over and over again, like a hair dryer, is one of the best gifts ever!  That's why I gave myself a Death Star Ice Mold; I'm using it over and over again!  LOL!

            Also, any other suggestions, just check out the following links:

•  Nerdist's site
•  Bad Astronomy blog (especially the telescope post)

            These are three suggestions that would definitely work!  You could, however, also make something, like I am itching to anticraft something for Christmas.  I have yet to buy all the yarn I would need to knit the Tom Baker Doctor Who scarf for Mama Squirrel and Papa Spock to share, until I knit a second one that the other parent (whichever one wound up without a scarf) could have, with knitting needles that are long enough to be true to the design.  That or order up the parents' own Beyoncé the Giant Metal Chicken of Bloggessian legend.  But then again, I still have to finish the one ruffle scarf and re-knit the already finished ruffle scarf I did!  UGH!  Choices!

            Anyways, that's going to be it on blog posts for now until after the Christmas holiday, unless I get the chance to post a review of the Doctor Who Christmas special THAT EVENING.  Here's hoping that I get to!  In the meantime, ENJOY YOUR CHRISTMAS CHOCO-TAQUITO!!!!

            (Also, on December 24th, Happy Birthday to Mama Squirrel!  I love you so much, Mom!  Please have an Iceland size amount of chocolate while waiting for me to pitch in a bunch of money to take you to Melting Pot for dinner, if you choose Melting Pot!)

P.S. I have a recommendation for New Year's Eve: watching CNN's New Year's party coverage, starting at 9pm EST on December 31!  And I recommend you do this too, because of Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper.  You get those two together and giggles ABOUND!

MERRY SITHMAS/NERDMAS/DALEKMAS!!!!!

MEGA-STRESS ATTACK: An Update on What I'm Doing PLUS Some Science AWESOMENESS!

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A Doctor Who Dalekmas Special Review: The Time of the Doctor

This blog's theme music is "In the House, In a Heartbeat" by John Murphy (Oxylice Remix).

            Welcome back!  I hope everyone's Christmas/Sithmas/Dalekmas/Kwanzaa was good!  Mine was meh, but I did get some pretty neat presents, including a Big Bang Theory pen that has a light that projects the word "Bazinga!" onto a wall or other flat surface, a Doctor Who themed cookbook and Doctor Who Post-it Notepads, and even a ThinkGeek gift certificate from my grandparents!  (As in the ones I visited while on holiday over Thanksgiving)  And my half-Vulcan father got a hippopotamus for Christmas!  W00t for Dad!  Anyways, thank you!  I really appreciate it, family!

            But that's not what I'm here for.  If you're a dedicated Whovian like myself, you probably watched the Doctor Who Christmas special that night.  I, too, watched it with my Whovian parents.  And I decided, you know what?  I'm going to review this one, too!

            AHEM!!!!!

            It wasn't that long ago that the 50th Anniversary Doctor Who special episode titled "The Day of the Doctor" was broadcast all across Earth.  For many, it was epic, surely one of Steven Moffat's better episodes.  We nerds surely expected the Christmas special to be able to at least hold even a birthday candle to it.

            Unfortunately, that was not the case.  Despite being 90 minutes long (including commercial breaks), anyone would've thought that Moffat would be able to whip out another ball-busting episode that would explain so much.  Instead, this one feels half-assed.  Well, perhaps not half-assed; more like 3/5-assed.  It feels like a college essay that I would manage to bullshit together at the very last minute before class.

            First of all, the intro part wasn't really done well.  The narration that explains what is going on makes the scene feel out of place, about as out-of-place as that Cyberman head.  I understand that, in the episode, there is a signal that is being broadcast to everyone in the Whoniverse who has space travel, and they all came to take a look, but it would've been more believable to me to have the Doctor detect it on his instruments and actively track it to Trenzalore on screen, only to discover that many of his enemies have gathered there.  The nudity part was a little humorous (because I'm still a little immature), but the Christmas dinner scenes just make it very confusing, with the turkey and the family and such.  It doesn't really fit in there, despite the hilarious scene of the Doctor and Clara talking about using the sonic screwdriver on the turkey, only to need a time machine on it.

            Not to mention that even though Mother Superius Tasha of the Church of the Papal Mainframe was gorgeous and amazing (even as a transformed humanoid Dalek), many of the different alien races were there for the sole purpose of being fillers; according to Dad, they didn't contribute to the storyline very much, especially the Cybermen, the Weeping Angels and the Sontarans.  It was hilarious to see the Doctor arrive on a saucer of Daleks brandishing the eyestalk only to go, "Oops!  Wrong ship!"  and then do it again with the Cybermen and Handles the Cyberman head, but it served very little purpose other than to make us laugh.  At least, we finally learned about Madame Kovarian's radical members of the Silence movement, who were once members of the Church of the Papal Mainframe, and what the creepy memory-fucking aliens really were.  But even explaining things didn't help this episode.

            There were plotholes that needed filling, like the technology barricade thing that the TARDIS could sneak through, Clara whispering into the crack to the Time Lords on Gallifrey asking to help him, etc.  And on top of that, it seems that Moffat was trying to make this installment BIG, but the episode wound up being too big in the efforts of being epic that the episode's story Moffat was trying to tell wound up being lost and convoluted.  I get that time passed on Trenzalore for the Doctor, and he aged, and that, technically, he used up all his regenerations, but the crack in the skin of reality making a reappearance is just pointless, and it doesn't help at all.  I mean, come on!  Moffat was grabbing bits and pieces from previous episodes and patching it all together into a Christmas episode, stretching it out over 90 minutes (again, including commercial breaks) and, disappointingly, it didn't work; Moffat had excellent episodes in his portfolio (Blink being one of them) but this episode is more along the lines of that WiFi episode with the Great Intelligence, and the episode with the black cubes--disappointingly shitty.  No wonder all the haters and critics chased him off of Twitter.

            However, I will be honest: I'll miss Matt Smith.  This charming Frankenstein-headed actor won me over with Doctor 11's final moments.  I mean, to have his thoughts go back to Amelia Pond, who appears to have been played by another little girl, not Karen Gillan's cousin (Really?!  You couldn't get her so you substituted in some other ginger-haired little girl with her face obscured by a child's drawings?!  Another point taken away there, Moffat!), is very touching.  But the tears finally fell when adult Amy came to him in his imagination, and said to him, "Raggedy Man, good night."  It really got to me at that point, how his mother-in-law companion (a person he really connected with, loved and cared for) said "Good night" to him before his regeneration finally completed itself.  It's like the Ood singing Tennant's Doctor to "sleep."  It just means a lot to have someone do that for you as a sort of farewell, especially if you're the last of the Time Lords in that particular Whoniverse and (almost) all alone.

STARFISH OF POWAHHHH!!!!

            But the regeneration scenes were stupid in this episode.  I mean, to have the Doctor shoot down Dalek fighters and a saucer with his regeneration starfish of energy is pretty ridiculous, but to have that happen, reboot his youthfulness and then stop just before he changes faces is illogical.  Tennant did it right: he visited all of his companions and friends before retreating to his TARDIS, saying, "I don't want to go," and then assuming the starfish position and regenerating.  But it's stupid to do the major starfish of POWAHHHH then stop it, and then change faces very quickly, so quickly that it was like, you snap your fingers and it's done--it could've been done better; it should've been done differently, to not have the flow of that part of the story be all jerky with going and stopping and going and stopping, but rather be continuous instead of confusing.

            Right now, I don't trust Capaldi as the Doctor just yet.  In a sense, each actor the Doctor regenerates into has to earn that name on screen.  It's like, you see the Doctor you fell in love with regenerate into this weirdass stranger you don't trust or know, but later on in that actor's first full episode, you can see them BE the Doctor, at which point you say, "Yes!  That's definitely him!  That's the Doctor right there!  Welcome to the show!"  He has to go through that, instead of just being some old fogey grandfather you don't really like.  You know, that grandfather you have, who says things like, "My kidneys!  I don't like their color!"  (What color do you want them to be, Capaldi?  GINGER?!  Do you want Ginger kidneys?!)  I understand the plan (according to my half-Vulcan father) is that Capaldi doesn't wind up being the Doctor for too long (perhaps for a single series, like Eccleston).  But I do hope that the series continues as long as it can go on.  I also hope that Neil Gaiman writes more episodes for Doctor Who; he should've written this one because it'd be over 9,000 times better!

            I do believe I know how the series finale's ending will go.  Here, I'll share it with you.  But you might want to take several steps back and hold tight to your socks, lunch and nuts because this is the part that will be better than Twilight…

At long last, it's the Doctor's final living moments.  He knows he is about to finally die, having used up all of his regenerations long ago, over thousands of years.  He's seen stars form and die, entire populations be born and wiped out, friends and family take both their first and their last breaths.  He's married, loved and lost people he remembers quite vividly.  Rose Tyler, Donna Noble, Sara Jane Smith, Amy and Rory Pond, Clara Oswald, each one seeming to whisper their gratitude and love into his ear, despite that it's only air occupying the space next to his head.  With each ragged breath, he grows more weary, knowing that he has mere moments to set things right.  He sees a crack in the wall, the same crack he saw on these same fields of Trenzalore he fought on to defend the helpless residents of Christmas, emanating a beautiful golden light, almost seeming to come from some sort of heavenly afterlife, and he remembers his people, his home, Gallifrey, which he saved by stashing it away into a pocket universe.  At that moment, he remembers what he has to do.  The question is asked through the crack--"Doctor WHO?" to which he responds with a very quiet unintelligible whisper.  The question is asked again--"Doctor WHO?"--and he realized that he wasn't loud enough.  He lifts his head, takes a deep breath and finally says his name, his real name, the name he kept guarded all those years, and… it felt good, like the weight of his secret was lifted off his shoulders.  The ages-old question that echoes across the universe is asked one more time--"Doctor WHOOOO?"  Frustrated, the last of the Time Lords of Gallifrey shouts his real name, bellowing it with every last fiber of his being, unlocking the seals he so carefully placed to protect his home world.  The planets tremble, the sky is ripped apart, and an orb emerges.  Gallifrey has returned to the skies, the final act of kindness the Doctor was able to bestow unto reality during his life, using his last breath to save the people who waited for the moment to return, while the ghosts of his past companions look on, smiling tearfully, before turning and disappearing into the ether.  The Doctor is dead, but his memory will live on forever, having touched billions of lives with his kindness, humor, ferocity & love.

            How's THAT for writing, Moffat?!  Of course, nobody is allowed to repost, reprint, etc. etc, without express written permission from me.  (This includes you, Google and journalists!)

            Anyways, that's all I can come up with.  Yes, there are a few moments where The Time of the Doctor was pretty good, but overall, it seems like it was a failing effort to explain where the Silence came from, the whole story and reasoning behind the question that should not be answered for at least another 20 years or so, and it was really one of Moffat's floppier episodes.  He could've been writing for Sherlock at the same time, and was possibly fairly distracted, but I do wish that he does better for any more episodes he writes for any show, including Sherlock.

            Rating: 3/10 stars

            Merry Christmas!  And Dalekmas!  And Sithmas!  And Merry Kwanzaa!  I hope you had as much fun as I did and I hope next year will be better!  Get ready for the new year, because it should be epic!

Christmas Music Mixtape--Mix It Up This Year

            NOTE: This blog post will not have a theme song, but rather multiple songs embedded via YouTube for you to sample what I believe would be the foundations for a better playlist for Christmas.  Also, I know it's another verbose blog post but hear me out: it's well worth it!

            Well, it's the time of the year again, where people purchase presents for other people in their lives, other people volunteer to help the homeless and hungry, cats fuck around with Christmas trees, retail businesses go nuts over Christmas sales, and radio stations keep playing cheesy music for the holiday season.

            It doesn't matter if you celebrate Yule, Christmas, Kwanzaa, or whatever else you feel like celebrating at Christmas (Halloween?  Because you're cool like that?), those songs on the radio get extremely annoying.  When my family and I were spending Christmas in New Jersey (part of my territory, Daleks), I'd be lucky to just pass out from exhaustion on the car ride home.  Lately, since I've been getting into music, it's been so annoying to hear those songs over and over.  I'd be like, "Can we PLEASE put on some fucking techno already?!"  Of course, that's only in my head, and since my mother tends to be only a little telepathic, she can't just instantly read my mind anytime she wants or whenever I want her to.  It'd get insane!  And violent and vulgar!  And Hulk-like angry!  *cringe*

            But the irritation got worse when I was working in retail at a store that does a lot of seasonal stuff: the Christmas Tree Shops (run by Bed Bath & Beyond).  I'm not a fan of working in retail at that place, and I don't plan on doing it again anytime soon, but the station that the place was tuned in to, I swear, only plays like, 10 tracks on repeat.  So it's the same songs over and over and over again.  I had to resort to bleaching my brain with some Swedish death metal songs as soon as I got home, just to get all of that holiday cheer out of my ears!  That plus those particular stations playing some super cheesy sounding Christmas songs like "Little Drummer Boy," and various renditions of "Silent Night" that tends to make your conscience vibrate with pain when certain notes get overplayed and over-enunciated is enough to get a Nerd/Nerdist like myself curl into a ball and pray to whatever deities are out there to make it end RIGHT THEN before they start wishing they asked for a chainsaw that they could use to destroy the fucking radio (FM, AM, Satellite--who cares?!) in a frenzied fit of "PLEASE, JUST MAKE IT STOOOOP!"

            Not to worry!  I'm here to help you create a playlist that is not only a little indie-ish (not so much mainstream stuff), but is updated enough to not sound like it was made to put little kids to sleep or have them sing in front of their parents and siblings at their Catholic school's Christmas pageant.  I can give you options and sources for music that will not drive you insane, but instead prompt the usual rhythmic head-nodding that badasses use while they listen to their badass music!

            So, let's start with a couple of bands that people will appreciate this holiday season--as long as it got played a lot more!  (I hope that those aforementioned radio stations are reading this blog post!)

Mannheim Steamroller and Trans-Siberian Orchestra: The Definition of Badass Christmas Music

            My parents and I enjoy Mannheim Steamroller because they tend to be a bit of a pioneer when it comes to doing electro-rock Christmas music.  Songs like "Celebration," and two different versions of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" (where the comma is important to identify which is which), as well as some movie-sounding ball-busting chords of "Carol of the Bells" just making that particular song my favorite Christmas "carol".  If you don't like Steamroller, then it sounds like you're a traditionalist Christmas idiot, who believes that the Christmas holiday genre only has room for music made for kids to sing at pageants of the Nativity.  Or "Dominic the Donkey," which is one of those songs that I wish was never made to sing; I had to sing it and it just…. *shudders, violent screams of donkey-cide*  NO ITALIAN CHRISTMAS DONKEYS ALLOWED IN MY TERRITORY!  PEWPEWPEW!  #EXTERMINATE!  EXTERMINATE!!!  EXTERMINAAAATE!!!!!!!!

            Ooops!  *noms on chocolate truffles*  Soorry!  *swallows*  I went a little overboard on insanity there; it's best to keep it under a certain level, like 3.14159265358979……  (Pi for Christmas--get it?)

Anyways, if you don't like this version of Carol of the Bells, you deserve to be evicted out of my land!

And how can you not like their take on Deck the Halls?

            But, if anyone is a stickler for keeping songs up to date (like I tend to be, as long as it's not Mariah Carey butchering certain ballads with overdone vocalizations and *shuddershudder*  BEEBS being that tween magnet by making songs for the season for the sole purpose of making the record labels money), they might also enjoy Trans-Siberian Orchestra.  This is THE rock band for Christmas.  THE musical artists who should do a show in MY area providing that ticket prices are reasonable and the location is not too far from me to the point where I have to wield my imaginary driver's license and drive my imaginary car (a Lotus Elise or Bugatti Veyron--I CAN DREAM BIG!) to the location.  (Translation: I can't drive!)  Though, a TARDIS would most certainly be useful in that situation, along with some psychic paper and 2 sonic screwdrivers--one mechanical and one alcoholic.

            Nevertheless, who can say no to their version of Carol of the Bells?  The version that makes me wish I can join an orchestra of my high school peers and knock everyone's socks off with my imaginary guitar shredding and minimal piano playing!  (*adds to life list draft "Perform Carol of the Bells with TSO at High School's auditorium named after my marching band director"*)

Also, I just went and searched "Trans-Siberian Orchestra" on YouTube and came up with this tune!  Ain't it just AWESOME?!

            Even Eddie the Educator Dalek informed me that TSO is his choice of seasonal listening!  Which means either I'm awesomely psychic or TSO is just that good!

@LadyEden1337 TSO IS MY PREFERRED SEASONAL LISTENING
— Eddie the Dalek (@EducatorDalek) December 10, 2013

However, TSO is not everyone's cup of hot chocolate (with whipped cream and/or marshmallows) which is why I'm digging deep into the interwebs to bring you some more of the better Christmas melodies that should be appreciated; it could be techno, trance, dubstep, rock, comedy, etc!  And if my parents follow along with these suggestions, it means I'm successful and should increase my Charisma by at least 0.5 in my Character Tome!  (That's right, Dad, not everyone wants to listen to the Dr. Demento Christmas show you have on tape/CD/your computer.  Please keep it away from me this year.)

Carillon of the Bells: A Cast In Bronze Feature

            If you do not like either version of Carol of the Bells I've listed above, you might rather prefer having a bunch of bells do it properly, along with a piano, drums, bass, and perhaps a rhythm guitar line.  For that, I bring you the works of my tweep Cast In Bronze.

What's amazing is that not only is this the second traveling carillon he has (the first incarnation was, at the time, the only one in the world that could hit the road and wow people to the point where they #fansquirrel over him a little; hey, can you blame me?  I first saw him at the awesomely awesome Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire!  He performs at Musikfest EVERY YEAR!), it was mostly blind luck (mixed with circumstantial luck) that gave Frank DellaPenna the opportunity to make his "wish" come true and bring the miracles of a carillon to a modern audience.  He was even able to compete on (or perform at) the show America's Got Talent!

            Not only that, it seems that he's also performed at Epcot!  THAT'S DISNEY FUCKING WORLD!  (Cue Dad's Vulcan-like nerdgasm where he talks about how people who don't work for Disney can perform in the parks with a difficult "audition process", and points out that even my sister with our high school marching band was able to march in the Spectromagic parade in Disney World, before partaking in the ginormous halftime show at the Gator Bowl.)  He's just all around Nerdist awesomeness, taking his music Nerdiness and making something epic out of those skills.

Website: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Cast-in-Bronze/112389912232

The Twelve Days of Christmas That Tire Us Out

            I know you know of the tune the 12 Days of Christmas, and I know that you know that the person's true love gave to them in rich Victorian fashion, 11 Lords a'leaping, Eight maids a'milking, 5 Golden (hula-hoop) rings, and a menagerie of various exotic and expensive birds.  (I know I'm wrong!  That's because not everyone remembers all the 12 things in the right order!)  But not everyone's keen about singing how their significant other got them 364 total gifts over the course of 12 days, that, by the way, needs a shit ton of storage and upkeep and boarding and what-not.  (If you were on the Faroe Islands, it'd be 15 days of different items!  Source: Wikipedia)  Which is why I bring to you 3 hilarious variations of this song!  Not 1!  Not 2, but THREE!  First, there's the classy Bob and Doug take on the traditional tune that gets a uniquely original hippie manly twist on the original lyrics:

Ain't that classy?  "A beer….in a tree!"  (*makes mental note to get Dad's favorite beer that is not Foster's, and tie a chilled can of it to the trunk of the Christmas tree with a bow tacked on top*)

            If you're too young to know of Bob and Doug McKenzie, but are not too young to listen to the radio (which is like TV but without the pretty moving lights and Internet without the interactivity), I'm sure you've heard of the "12 Gifts of Christmas" by Allan Sherman, which is my personal favorite!  Who wouldn't want a Japanese transistor radio and calendars with the name of their insurance agent?!

I love this song!  I also crave to perform it in front of a live audience at my high school with an entire adult choir!  (*also adds to life list draft*)

            Yet, if you can't stand Christmas altogether, imagine (if you would) that it's already Boxing Day and you're singing Bob Rivers' version to yourself about the 12 Pains of Christmas and how you got through them all with the grace of a drunk Mother Theresa!

Classy!  Very classy!  I suggest you pick one and laugh your knitted socks off when it comes up on your playlist!  (If you don't like any of them, try this Indian version!)

Christmas Dubstep--Because It Ain't Cool Enough Without These Chewns!

            Ah, drum-n-bass, that genre that can also be called dubstep and furthermore piss Deadmau5 the trolltastic EDM producer off.  It's a bad sign when people's mothers gets confused about what genre is what and you have to explain the difference between techno and dubstep, but when you listen to it, it's like a temporal brain bleach that helps get the real life frustrations and the expired sounds I've described above in the intro out of your short-term memory.  Which is why I've included two songs here that should be added to every Christmas season playlist.  (If you don't know how to enjoy dubstep, try this "how to dance to dubstep if you're…" video and this other video of a child doing bassface!)

            Who said that Christmas had to be Merry?!  Tim Burton taught us that it can be Scary as well, with his stop-motion animation film The Nightmare Before Christmas!  And that is the tone I'm bringing to the Christmas playlist soundscape, by adding Hedegaard's "Scary Christmas"!  And make sure to pump up the volume on this one, enough to make your eardrums vibrate like the speakers at a rock concert!

            And why does the Little Drummer Boy have to be all properly "Pah-rum-pah-pum-pum"?  Hmm?  Why can't this kid….be a fetus with a mohawk and the mad skillz to make the beats all sick dubstep beats?  Hmm?  At one point, my dad was sampling various versions of Little Drummer Boy and one version stuck out: a dubstep version called "Little Drummer Fetus"!  If you're hitting up the EDM/EBM soundscape, you might as well add this to your playlist!

That's right, wonderful readers, feel my interwebz bass (the kind that's very hard to track down)!

Give It To Me: Straight No Chaser

            It wasn't until recent years that Straight No Chaser has brought my family fresher versions of traditional songs that we can all enjoy together!  They managed to get record deals from simply having their performances go viral on the Interwebz and since then, rocketed onto the music scene as the equally cool a capella version of the awesome Cast In Bronze!  They do stick to the music sheets, but there are songs out there where they were able to add their own twist to the music!  Here's one example: the 12 Days of Christmas!

And if you want something original, how about the equally funny but totally original Christmas Can-Can?!  It not only touches on the commercialism of Christmas but also Jewish traditions!

Some of the members of SNC also come from within my territory!  WOOHOO!  That makes Straight No Chaser my HOMEBOYS!  Lol, sort of!  But at least my parents are in possession of one legal copy of their CD and I hope to listen to it again this Christmas!  That is, in addition to the songs I'm listing here!  Get it, parents?  I don't want a repeat of traumatic childhoods or retail experiences!

Last Christmas I Gave My Listening Skill Points to Benny Benassi

            Hey, look!  It's the Bennassi clan!  You know, the Benassi Bros.?  The two cousins of the Benassis that spread out all over Europe with their badass Italian dance group and EDM production skills?  Okay, fine!  If you haven't heard of Marco "Benny" Benassi, he's like, the Neil Gaiman of music production!  (They even look alike!  :O  Le GASP!  COULD ONE BE THE CLONE OF THE OTHER?!?!?!  #nerdyconspiracies)  And if you haven't heard of the tune "Last Christmas" that Wham did previously, I suggest you get your head out from under that rock and take a listen.  I've already had to listen to it over and over and over again while working retail and I was ready to get back to hiding under that rock again from it--that is, before I heard Benny Benassi's remix ofthe tune!

It gives me hope that the Christmas soundscape isn't just jingling bells and people caroling gayly and sleigh rides throughout the Christmas-decorated village of ye olde times (or kids farting on Santa's lap--that song totally exists, readers!  Take a listen!).  Not that there's anything wrong with it.  Like I said, that scene is really not my cup of gourmet mint hot chocolate.

            Hopefully, I've given you some modern options for this holiday season.  Disclaimer: This blog post isn't the rulebook for the ultimate music playlist of all Christmas seasons ever.  Instead, it's a guide to providing a foundation of epicness that can only be completed by you.  That's right!  You can tailor-make your playlist for this holiday season!  In Morpheus terms, I've shown you the door (hallway), but only you can be the one to walk through it.

            With that said, I hope you have an excellent Christmas season this year!  And Kwanzaa!  Oh, and Happy Yule to all my Pagan readers!  If you wish to share your own (non-traditional non-mainstream) favorites, feel free to share them and I'll see about adding them onto next year's entry!